What makes a good dad ?

[susansaucepan]

To ask what makes a good father or mother in your eyes ? What are the hall marks, behaviours or traits you would have wanted in your own parents or your DH/DP

Is your husband a better father to your kids than your father was to you (and your sibling(s)?

To me being physically and emotionally present and engaged in the DC life is very important to me . That means I go to every parents evening , every doctors appointment, every dentist /optometrist appointment and book them . It means I know who their favourite authors and stories are . That I know their favourite clothes , toys and what comforts them or upsets them .
I do every bed time and every morning routine even when working full time /sick/pregnant/post partum etc/studying etc

I organise and fund all play dates , birthday parties , activities and clubs as well as do the picking and dropping . I know their best friends names and their parents . I maintain these relationships and ensure small gestures of kindness are returned such as birthday presents , picking up one the friends along with DD if their parents are running late etc .
I facilitate all family visits , holidays , days out down to a simple library visit , going to the park etc

Their father on the other hand wouldn't know who their best friends are , their teachers names , what they may want for their birthdays , their favourite book , their swimming stage or what they are learning at school. He has never done home work , a day out without me ,booked a doctors appointment or enrolled them on an activity.
He has never taken them for a bite to eat without me , not even a McDonald's drive thru. I have never seen him sit on our livingroom floor doing a puzzle or construct Lego . He would never think to take the kids for a walk or anything leisurely.

This evening DS was trying to tell him a joke and he didn't even look up from his phone and I actually told my DS not to waste his time talking to someone who is not listening .
It sounds like a cruel thing to say to a child but my heart was actually breaking watching it . He just isn't bothered. It's not just with the kids , he is the same with me . If he is given a practical task like pick x up from school today or Y has a doctors appointment on Monday he will help but it's never his initiative .

Am I expecting too much ?

My own father worked long hours but would do at the very least be present at appointments , parents evenings , check homework , help make decisions, give advice , do shopping , tell us jokes and stories . He had hopes and aspirations for us . He painted the house , grew vegetables , fixed bikes , sorted the car . He was not perfect , wasn't a great cook etc but he cared . He cried the day I moved out :(

Sorry it's a long one but would love your experiences

That is besides just loving your child unconditionally ofcourse .

Time
Interest
Presence

I expect my husband to be as involved in the children's lives as I am.
And I expect he is able to sort the same stuff and run the house if I leave for a weekend away with a friend.

Of course there are things that each of us is more informed about than the other but in everyday life we are equally aware of doctor, dentist, hairdresser, leisure interests, homework, play dates, friends and whatever needed.

My husband is. Did sometimes night feeds though I tried my best to do them all. Always took the baby and made her laugh when she would cry and I could not know make her stop crying. Took the baby for walks, changed nappies, looked after while I finish a college course, played with her and helped with all things really. We have an only child and no sibling to play with. He is father, play mate, supporter and best friend of me and her. I just found a caring man who loves kids and teaches them also

Being present and engaged with family life. My husband is fantastic and is living his life with us instead of around us. My husband was like yours. He has our DD every other weekend and while he parents while she’s there he’s not gone to a hospital : parents evening in years. That’s why he’s now my ex husband.
My husband has actually booked the day off next week to go on the school trip with my dd his step daughter. That’s what makes a good father. One who shows up.

Putting their child first so playing the unicorn flying game even if you're tired or hungry or would rather sit down, or just don't want to.
Taking an interest in their lives and what they like.
Listen to the child and take them seriously - exdp doesn't listen to DD and she has some epic screaming meltdowns because he just ignores her or if they're in disagreement he'll just ignore what she's saying and carry on with what he wants.
Enthusiasm for being a dad rather than trying to avoid having to do any drudgery associated with parenthood and/or spending any meaningful amount of time with the children.

To treat the mother of their children well

My dad was alright. A bit of a Disney dad, but I've always known he loves me.

My ex is terrible.

He doesn't hit you or the DC and only shouts if you deserve it.
Helps in the house sometimes.
Gives you some money for the housekeeping without you having to ask more than twice.
Um, that's it.

Have I been on here too long?

Edited to add a smiley

He works such long hours so I don't have to and he is still the most attentive father. He's the one at the park pushing them high on the swings and playing tag. I can see he's tired but he still wants to be the best dad he can be. They talk and he listens. He bakes with them and plays football in the garden. Hes interested in all they do in school. I genuinely could not be prouder and he's a fabulous husband to me.

@MerryChristmasToYou are you okay ?

I hope that is not your reality. That sounds thoroughly awful 😢

Sounds like you might need to think about a serious conversation. Your DH needs a wake up call or he might lose everything.

I won't go into details but my DH is more than 50% parent to DS. I'd say given I've just been promoted and I'm pregnant, he's doing pretty much 70-80% right now.

My dad was a bit of a rubbish husband only in as much as he played football several times a week and training, his job was shift work so meals always had to be catered for around him. He did absolutely no housework at all but did the gardening and decorating. Mum and dad had a stereotypical marriage. On his death bed he held my hand and my mum's and said he loved us and she replied that's the first time you've said that in 50 years. Always the great romantic. 😀
But he was a great dad. When my first boyfriend dumped me after a week, my mum had no sympathy but my dad listened to me and held me when I cried. Because he was often out of the house, he would pick a day in the holidays and he and I would just have a day out together. Mum got a day off so she was happy to chill at home, she absolutely could have come if she wanted to.
When I was little he would bath me and taught all the old music hall songs. Not many kids in my school knew all the words to " my old man said follow the van" it was a special time.

@susansaucepan , it was a jokey interpretation of some of the 'He's a great dad' posts on MN. Your DH could become that imaginary dad by taking the kids to the drive-thru MaccyD EOW.

Your DF sounds terrific and like a lot to live up to but your DH sounds like a passive stranger living with your family.

My ex husband was/ is emotionally / physically unavailable to our kids. When they were babies I did everything and worked too. His hobbies/ needs/ career always came first! Still do!

He was only ever interested in stuff they did if it aligned with his interests. DS1 (now 21) interests/ academic leanings broadly mirror ex so all good they’re. Ds2 (now 17) has always forged his own path and chosen what he wanted to pursue and is amazing in his chosen sport/ academics.

Ds2 said to me age 10 that he was sad his dad wasn’t interested in watching him in his matches. I have done all the training runs, lift shares, driven 150 mile round trips etc to facilitate his sport and I know he’s thankful.