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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Those who exs have buggered off and left the kids....

28 replies

woodenleg · 09/03/2024 14:26

How many chances did you give your ex to see your kids?

How did you handle it?

When did you realise enough was enough?

Also how do the courts handle parents who dip in and out of a child's life?

OP posts:
Taylormiffed · 09/03/2024 14:30

He had a year of chances. On calendar and email. Messed me around constantly. It was ridiculous and I didn't want it continuing when the dc's were old enough to realise. Then he stormed our of mediation and that was it.
That was 14yrs ago and he hasn't seen them since.

ParrotParrot · 09/03/2024 14:31

Many, many chances, repeated chances, countless! Even when he disappeared for 2 years I still gave another chance. Not sure on courts as he has never taken me to court.

Original poster
woodenleg · 09/03/2024 14:48

Thank you. I'm just wondering what to do. We've had months of him being in and out of ds life. He's back again and expecting me to just hand ds over like he's done nothing wrong.

I've had enough of living like this. Life is better without him for me and ds. However not sure if I can live with the guilt of stopping contact

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 09/03/2024 14:50

How does DS react? What is the impact upon him? Is he ok with it or upset?

ParrotParrot · 09/03/2024 14:52

How old is your child? How long is no contact? My ex hasn’t seen the kids in a year now I’ve tried my best but some people just don’t want to be fathers.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 09/03/2024 14:52

Children, older children will decide if to see or not see and at those times you cant do anything to stop them

Original poster
woodenleg · 09/03/2024 14:56

Royalbloo · 09/03/2024 14:50

How does DS react? What is the impact upon him? Is he ok with it or upset?

He's 5. He's been very upset. Having well being sessions at school. Ex knows all this but doesn't seem concerned. Hes very self centred and full of excuses. Police involvement between myself and him when our relationship ended. School are aware of this.

Contact has been on and off for almost 7 months now.

Ex cancelled the last 2 visits. Then said he wasn't gong to bother - I have a few emails from ex over the last few months saying he won't bother. Now he wants to have ds for the day next Saturday.

I have no doubt he will turn up. But I do have doubts that it won't last and ds will be back to square one again.

OP posts:
Original poster
woodenleg · 09/03/2024 14:57

ParrotParrot · 09/03/2024 14:52

How old is your child? How long is no contact? My ex hasn’t seen the kids in a year now I’ve tried my best but some people just don’t want to be fathers.

He is 5.

It's almost 7 weeks since the last contact. The last contact he saw ds for 4 weeks on 3 separate occasions. Before that was another 6 weeks of no contact.

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 09/03/2024 14:58

If it upsets him I'd stop it and ask for a regular formal agreement detailing when he will see him. Get him to pick up from school and if he doesn't come you have more witnesses and he'll have to go to court.

Original poster
woodenleg · 09/03/2024 15:02

Royalbloo · 09/03/2024 14:58

If it upsets him I'd stop it and ask for a regular formal agreement detailing when he will see him. Get him to pick up from school and if he doesn't come you have more witnesses and he'll have to go to court.

He refuses to pick him up from school - he's self employed and could do easily however he won't. School are also aware of everything and there's red flags against his name (not literally) but he isn't currently allowed to collect ds from school.

Obviously id allow this, id just need to arrange another school meeting which ill try do on Monday.

I could say you can have him certain days from school but i know ex will refuse this. Suppose that would help if it ever went to court through.

OP posts:
PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 09/03/2024 15:02

My dc have an inconsistent dad. He always was and he always will be. I felt, for my dc, that it was better for them to know him and see him intermittently rather than not. So I kept his inconsistencies away from them, they wouldn't know he was having them until he turned up to collect them - he would regularly forget to pick them up etc. They're now older teens, he is still inconsistent but they know him, they laugh about the way he is, they aren't angry or damaged, they know what he's like and that's that.

Honestly life became so much better when I just viewed him as a babysitter and stopped caring about how little time/money/interest he was able to give.

Original poster
woodenleg · 09/03/2024 15:46

PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 09/03/2024 15:02

My dc have an inconsistent dad. He always was and he always will be. I felt, for my dc, that it was better for them to know him and see him intermittently rather than not. So I kept his inconsistencies away from them, they wouldn't know he was having them until he turned up to collect them - he would regularly forget to pick them up etc. They're now older teens, he is still inconsistent but they know him, they laugh about the way he is, they aren't angry or damaged, they know what he's like and that's that.

Honestly life became so much better when I just viewed him as a babysitter and stopped caring about how little time/money/interest he was able to give.

This is why I have been trying to do. I don't view him as a parent in the slightest. It is going to be absolutely impossible to co parent with him so I don't ask him for anything at all. I will never rely on him.

It's just that guilt I suppose. My son is only small and I just want to limit any potential damage. I know that's not always possible however my ex was extremely damaging towards me and I am still recovering.

Stopping contact feels like the best thing but then I'd feel absolutely terrible for doing it.

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 09/03/2024 15:53

I did 6 months of nagging, asking him to see him regularly, told him after the 6 months it was now in his court. He saw him once in 3 months after that but continued to send abusive messages to me that were aimed at both of us. I told him I didn't think he was a good influence on our son and until he could separate his feelings for me from his feelings for his son, he couldn't see him.
He contacted me a year later to ask to see him so I told him he needed to show some commitment. He sent three cards over 6 months and I've never heard from him again. 11 years and counting....

Toomanysquishmallows · 09/03/2024 15:57

My eldest is 25 , he stopped seeing her when she was 5 . She never asks about him , contact was very sporadic , then it just stopped . It was a relief to be honest . There was never a court involved.

Skethylita · 09/03/2024 16:08

A year to get his name on the birth cert and start contributing.

He saw them once, conveniently forgot to bring his ID when we were booked in to see the registrar to get his name on the birth cert, after that he was asked to do this via embassy by my government (I was a foreign national).

I gave up after a year. He sent me the occasional message saying how much he loved and missed the child, but the love never went as far as offering to help raise or even just financially support them. As far as I know he is now dead.

PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 09/03/2024 16:15

woodenleg · 09/03/2024 15:46

This is why I have been trying to do. I don't view him as a parent in the slightest. It is going to be absolutely impossible to co parent with him so I don't ask him for anything at all. I will never rely on him.

It's just that guilt I suppose. My son is only small and I just want to limit any potential damage. I know that's not always possible however my ex was extremely damaging towards me and I am still recovering.

Stopping contact feels like the best thing but then I'd feel absolutely terrible for doing it.

Show quote history

I think it's a very tough call to make whether sparodic contact is better then none.

I knew that even though ex was shit he wouldn't bail completely and worried about the dc turning 14/15 and finding him (even easier with fb etc nowadays) and then blaming me. I didn't want them to have that loss and as I treated him like a fun babysitter, their attachment to him is that of a fun uncle rather than dad. That worked for my dc and for me - 10 plus years later we all get on fine, do birthday meals out etc but again he's like a fun uncle. I don't think they'd notice if he turned up or not but when he does they feel happy.

If you can stop wanting him to do school runs and be consistent, grey rock him and just see yourself as a single parent it can work. But if you're dc are getting upset and you're not able to help them view him in that fun uncle mode then it's probably not best for them as they'll always feel let down.

Milliemoos5 · 09/03/2024 16:54

My 22 yr old had a completely inconsistent dad and it’s affected him really really badly

my 18 yr old had a dad who hasn’t bothered seeing him since he was 2 years old and he’s not affected whatsoever about it

in my experience, zero contact is far better than inconsistent contact

Toomanysquishmallows · 09/03/2024 17:03

@Milliemoos5 , I completely agree with you .

Original poster
woodenleg · 09/03/2024 17:52

Milliemoos5 · 09/03/2024 16:54

My 22 yr old had a completely inconsistent dad and it’s affected him really really badly

my 18 yr old had a dad who hasn’t bothered seeing him since he was 2 years old and he’s not affected whatsoever about it

in my experience, zero contact is far better than inconsistent contact

I agree. This is the point I'm trying to get through to my ex. He is inconsistent and that's going to affect our son more than it would if he wasn't present at all.

I've bought my son books on separating parents and trying to explain everything to him as best I can but how the hell do you explain why daddy is there one minute and then gone the next?

Ds is happier when he doesn't see his dad at all. It's when he starts seeing his dad again that his behaviour changes and it's probably because subconsciously he knows that 'daddy might be gone again soon'

It's just shit - and it's all his doing.

OP posts:
SpringtimeBunny · 09/03/2024 22:28

Far too many. It was 8 years ago that he left and I've quite literally BEGGED him to be a father but ...crickets...

Original poster
woodenleg · 10/03/2024 09:33

I just hate the pressure of it all. I'd rather he just go away and leave us alone. Either than being there one minute and not the next

OP posts:
RareTraybake · 02/06/2024 09:51

My ex left for another woman. My baby was 18 months and disabled son 6 years old. He has gone on to have a girlfriend and 2 wives separately, creating 3 more children in the mix. Felt awful for my children having strange women in their lives at a moments notice. None of whom have my child's bestwelfare at heart whilst in their company. Their father did make an effort with them at his convenience, also went missing to Cornwall for 2 years to become a surfing bum , no contact for 2 years. Kids are adults now and are totally different to him. They have seen the mistakes he made and think he is a fool. I didn't voice my opinion of him until my children were in their 20+ age, as I didn't want to trash him to the point they hated him. Just gave them the truth, told them how heartbroken I was and traumatised he left them. I just wanted them to have a father present. All very sad, had depression anxiety for 40 years just trying to deal with new baby, sons disabilities. Fighting education authorities for my disabled sons education, dss for his disability benefits, fighting his now employer for his disabled rights at work. All this single handedly and living on benefits as too ill to work. It's a nightmare. Now 62 years old, reflecting on everything after a cancer diagnosis and wondering what the hell I did to have this much happen to us. I'm just glad I made the decision to take the high road, love them as much as I could, and let them know they will always be the loves of my life.

ARichtGoodDram · 02/06/2024 09:59

The impact will depend on the child imo.

i have twins in their mid twenties and one is very impacted by their father’s messing around. She has health issues and it’s taken a lot of work on her part to get to a point where she doesn’t feel like her not being perfect was the issue. She kept in contact with him, and actively tried to keep it up in periods where he wasn’t interested, until she was in her late teens.

Other isn’t impacted at all other than she has very high standards for guys she dates. First sign of anything that reminds her of her father and his selfishness and they’re gone. She feels she didn’t miss out on anything and the only person who has missed out is him.

i do think they’ve been helped by the fact their grandparents, his parents, have been amazing and built their own relationship with the girls. To see that his own parents don’t agree with his behaviour means it’s not been all down to me to show he was in the wrong, and was back up for me at the times he said it was my fault.

BloodyAdultDC · 02/06/2024 10:01

Court can't force an unwilling parent to have contact with their kids, so you taking him to court won't be worth it.

If he took you to court for contact, he would likely be awarded it - BUT he still cannot be forced into keeping to the contact he requested.

Better to find a way to manage your DC's expectations. I stopped mentioning Dad at all, nothing about when he was supposed to visit, nothing about any plans he'd make as when he failed to show up the kids didn't have any knowledge or expectation. Your DC is 5 - doesn't need to know the ins and outs, just answer 'i don't know' or 'its up to Dad' when they ask when they'll be seeing him next. Try and make a plan to do something else should he not turn up - a distraction, or diversion. Plenty of free stuff to do to take DCs mind off their dad.

My ex went from eow to twice a year if they were lucky. Both adults now, and it has affected them, but they have worked out how shit a parent he is/was all by themselves.

ARichtGoodDram · 02/06/2024 10:04

and my ex took me to court )unnecessarily) and got a court order for EOW and a Wednesday night.

It took me three attempts and 5 years to have that order removed despite him turning up less than a dozen times in those years. He’d turn up, we’d be out (after 6 months of being home every other weekend in case he showed) and a tonne of abuse would follow. Usually because he had a new girlfriend to impress.