Driving lessons

[harveyluna789]

How important is learning to drive? We are at a bit of a crisis point with my DD. She is struggling so much 40 lessons so far and hating every minute. My DH says she is dangerous and refuses to ever take her out in his car so we have bought her a car and even in her car he shouts and screams at her BUT here is the bit in all this which I think is important and I need proper opinions on what to do.

At 17 my parents forced me to learn to drive I had 104 lessons and it took me 2.5 years to pass my test and I would say for that 2 years I was a nervous wreck - my dad like my DH refused to have me in his car so my mum took me out - she says now it was the most nerve wracking thing she has ever done BUT eventually I passed my test. I had a car for a year but anytime I drove anywhere would sweat buckets and feel sick. This anxiety would start the night before I had to drive to work - I would then be anxious all day at work worrying about the drive home and then I wouldn't sleep because I would worry about driving the next day. It was an all consuming anxiety but 1. I knew what caused it and 2. I had to just suck it up because without driving I couldn't get anywhere.

About 8 months after passing my test I went on holiday for a fortnight and my anxiety completely lifted as I didn't have to worry about driving anywhere for 2 weeks - as soon as I came home and knew I needed to drive to work the next day my anxiety came back with a vengeance. I carried on for about another year and I made the decision to move into the town and sold my car and have never driven since and my anxiety has never returned. I got so much abuse from everyone - driving is a a life skill and by giving up I am not going to be able to go places or get a decent job. Agree - it has made my life much tougher , especially when the kids were small and I have only been able to have jobs that are walkable or on a bus route.

I have never really spoken about my driving anxiety to DD because I didn't want her to have a negative view on driving but she wants to quit it doesn't help that this week she drove through a red light and almost mounted the pavement. I asked her what it is she finds tough and she says "it is the having to be super aware of your surroundings, change gear, watch the road, turn the wheel all at the same time - exactly the same as my issues and that she feels sick thew whole time she is in the car which she feels stops her learning to the best of her ability. We talked about changing instructors as hers shouts which my DH says to her actual face that no wonder "because she is a driving disaster" but when I struggled and I wanted to change instructors the instructor to me and my dads face that it wouldn't matter because "I was one of the worst he had ever seen" so my dad made me carry on with him - this was after 50 lessons and 54 lessons later I passed first time!

Problem is she is going to uni in September to do teaching and really to be a teacher she has to be able to drive.

I hate seeing her like this and I just want her to quit and be happy but like when I learnt everyone is saying it is a life skill and she just needs to persevere and she won't always feel anxious and I am always getting told that if I had persevered the anxiety would have subsided the more I did it but I honestly don't think it would.

My son is dyspraxic and looking back now I think I am too and that is possibly why I struggled - my DD has no other dyspraxic symptoms but I now suspect dyspraxia is the cause.

There is the option to perhaps try in an automatic which I tried about 10 years ago but the anxiety came back and I gave up yet again.

I know driving is a very important life skill but in this instance should we keep on forcing it or let her quit. Obviously I completely understand where she is coming from but DH, and my parents who have never had any driving issues say she needs to persevere and not give up like me.

Thoughts and opinions please!!

If she doesn’t want to drive you can’t force her. She can still be a teacher, my friend is a teacher and doesn’t drive. However, she would be relying on taxis or good public transport to get to placements.

No more lessons with parents and ask around for recommendations for a new instructor. One who is patient, kind and encouraging. How you dh is being is awful. Driving gives much freedom and independence.

I don't drive ( l do have a motorbike licence) used to ride a lot.. ( wasa motorcycle instructor)but myself and my two daughters went abroad.. holidays and days out in the UK.
Two bus rides to high school.
We live in a city so easy to get from A to B..
My daughter is taking her son on a caravan holiday next week.. no car/ driving involved.. train and bus.
It's either something you really want to do and enjoy or not .
My eldest past her theory.. was put in for her test.. then decided she doesn't even like driving .
I'm lucky my sister loves it and we go all over together..
But nervous drivers should not be driving.. it's too dangerous.

Yelling won’t help so she needs to stop going out with her dad as that is not helping . Change instructors , get recommendations for an instructor who is good with nervous drivers . My daughter started learning at 17 , had 4 lessons and gave up as she didn’t gel with the instructor. We started again last year , picked a lady instructor who claimed she was good with nervous drivers and she passed with less than 40 hrs instruction and very minimal practice ( started mid Jan passed early Oct manual car) . That said my son is an assistant head teacher and he knows plenty of teachers that don’t drive .

I think she does need to press on with it to be honest. I absolutely hated learning to drive and I had so many lessons. It took me at least 18 months, but I did pass first time by some miracle. I hated driving for a long time, would only drive places I knew and avoided motorways at all costs. But the more I did the better I got and the less anxious I became. I don’t really mind now and I have a 45 minute commute that involves busy motorways. I’ll also drive big distances to unknown places now I’ve got a car with a satnav. I do still worry about parking though. I hate really busy car parks, I’ll actively avoid parallel parking and still worry about the parking situation if I’m going somewhere new.

One of my DS had an instructor who made him very very stressed and was of the opinion he couldn’t concentrate for more than 15 minutes . After far too long and much expense he gave up, and then a couple of weeks later he wanted to try again with a friends instructor, and it was the making of him, a world of difference. They need an instructor that suits them.

Thank you. Lots of good replies. Yes - not driving has hindered me in alot of aspects of my life but i couldn't deal with feeling constantly anxious all the time - and I decided I would rather feel well and happy than be constantly anxious. Maybe if I had given it more time as my confidence grew the anxious feelings would have subsided but I will never know.

I think it is very difficult for people who find driving easy to know how debilitating the anxiety can be.

We bought her a car because my DH refused to take her in his car and the driving instructor said because she is really struggling she needs lots and lots of practice but DH is thinks she is unsafe and was worried about his car but now he is the same in her car because he constantly thinks she is going to crash. I may see if my cousin can take her out in her car because she is very calm.

Driving is important but I have managed without it. I think she has to decide between living with the anxiety but having the freedom or calling it quits and not having the independence that being able to drive brings.

What an absolute prick of a husband you're got. Shouting at a scared child.

Swap her to automatic and you take her out. You have a license and can sit with her. Literally anyone is better than a shouting twat.

It's a useful skill but it would probably be good for her to have a break and think about if she wants to pursue it later. The brain actually rewires over time. There was something I found hard at 18 (physical activity, not driving) and when I tried it again in my 20s I found it much easier - no practice in between.

Dad shouting definitely won't help. Most schools are in towns or cities so public transport or car sharing could well be available. And maybe we will have driverless cars at some point.

I am a massively anxious driver. I started lessons and stopped a few times through my 20s because of the anxiety. Just before covid hit I started learning again in an automatic with the most chilled instructor ever and it did make a massive difference to my ability to drive. I had to stop lessons due to covid but picked it back up again in 2022 and passed 2nd go last April (I am mid 30s).

My DH and DPs were dead against me going automatic because they felt it was too limiting but it just reduced the coordination required to a more manageable level for me. I still hate driving especially on an unfamiliar route but it is very freeing to be able to do it when needed now and the anxiety is less than when I first started lessons.

Finding a different instructor with an automatic car might make all the difference so I'd suggest that before throwing the towel in altogether but I'd let her take a break from it first.

I'm 36 and still can't drive and have such driving anxiety but I really want to do it. Not for myself but for my kids. To be able to just take them anywhere I want to. I've actually been looking up hypnotherapy to see if it helps. Literally desperate. I've been having lessons on and off but due to anxiety and then the general cost it's been stop and start.

I thunk you should still encourage her but maybe try auto or a new instructor and don't let dad take her because that sets you back. Being shouted at. I know.

Is there any reason YOU can't go out in the car with her? You have a valid licence. After 40 lessons, she is competent enough to not need you to take over and drive, and okay, you may not be able to give her any driving advice, but just sitting there calmly and encouraging her would be much better than going out with her dad.

It depends on your circumstances, where you live etc. I live in a big city with lots of public transport and I managed until I was in my thirties. I passed my driving test in my 20s but I was so anxious I didn’t really drive afterwards and lost any skills. I got lessons again using an automatic and the anxiety is gone, I have a car, but it’s only because I need it for work and school runs now. I didn’t NEED to drive prior to now.

Let her drive an automatic- I didn’t pass my test in one but have driven one since and despite being e very nervous driver at the start will go anywhere now! It is a game changer and you don’t won’t her go limit herself like you have done. Driving is freedom and I’d encourage my daughter to do it any way I could.

At a time when our public transport is so expensive and services in rural areas being cut, I'd say it's pretty important to be able to drive.
She may just need a break and try again in an automatic.
I say that as someone who's DD struggled with terrible anxiety learning to drive and very nearly gave up. She initially learnt in a manual - didn't get out of the driveway twice during her lessons as tearful and her instructor said she was unsafe. Just couldn't understand why it wasn't clicking for her and we spent a fortune on about 60 lessons and 2 different instructors. Even spoke to her GP as she was desperate to pass before starting uni and I think that just added on the pressure. I took her out on a couple of occasions, it was nerve wracking and she picked up on that so it didn't help her at all. She failed her test 3 times and took a break. Didn't even think about an automatic previously as her Dad and I only ever drove manuals, but then she had an ankle injury so it was automatic or nothing. Don't know if being that little bit older (3 year break) or down to the automatic but starting again she was so much more relaxed and passed easily. Now drives all over the country and 2 years on is so confident and one of the safest drivers I know.
If she hadn't been able to drive she would have missed out on job opportunities and restricted to where she lives (train station, bus services) so for DD it has been essential.
Incidentally DH & I now also drive automatics (unrelated reason) and wouldn't go back to manual - autos so much easier.

My teenage dc has a provisional, but is yet to book any lessons as they simply don't want to yet. They fully intend to drive in the future.
I would take a break from your dd learning to drive. She may find it easier in a year or 2.

It's really hard when you just don't 'get' driving. I did pass as a teenager but was always an anxious driver and didn't get a car/drive afterwards. I made sure I lived close to where I worked and did public transport which took much longer than driving would have.

I'm now a sahm and have managed on buses but it takes me e.g an hour and 2 buses to get to soft play which would be a 10 minute drive. I am doing 'refresher lessons' with my husband at the moment to try and get back to driving but I find it very hard to judge road posititioning, width of the car and still find it overwhelming sometimes all the things you need to do at once (mirrors, gears, steering, speed). I know I make mistakes that must annoy other drivers and I don't know whether any of these things will ever get easier as just don't 'get' it and would not feel confident driving on my own

I guess the question is, will she ever want to drive independently even if she manages to pass her test?

Not sure why she needs to drive to be teacher? I only passed recently in my late 30s after having kids and moving somewhere more rural and driving has made life easier - I coped fine and never felt the need to drive really before kids. Happy walking a lot or taking public transport - started cycling a few years before. Depends where she lives.

i also learnt in an automatic to make life easier and had a very calm female instructor. Maybe take a break for a few years or change instructors.

No wonder your daughter is anxious with your DH treating her like that.

My DD didn't want to learn to drive at 17 either, we encouraged but she just wasn't ready so left it until she was. She learnt at 19 - no idea how many lessons until she passed. Almost certainly more than average but passed and happy driving around now.

I learnt at 23 as there was little point before that (lived in a city and couldn't afford a car). Very glad I did then as shortly after passing my test I got a job which would've taken ages to get to via public transport (and walking) and been a massive pita vs a 15 min drive.

Driving doesn't have to be an 'important life skill'- I learned at 17 and was terrified at every point, I never felt fully in control of what I was doing. I stopped lessons as the uni town I went to was easy to get around on foot & public transport, and never picked it up again. At 43 I have my life set up perfectly - in a town with great transport, I can walk to work, my kids' schools, the shops, doctors, dentists, and am within 20 on the bus from restaurant/cinemas etc

My partner drives, but I don't need him to. I appreciate lifts when they are offered, but don't rely on them or expect them. I don't ever intend to drive, and I don't feel like I'm missing out at all. I think this obsession & expectation of driving as a requirement needs to shift so that it's a 'nice to have' for days out etc rather than a necessity which means people get so lazy that they won't even walk half a mile to a shop.

Her age and learning to drive doesn't match up with other threads about how she is applying to sixth form and can't be left alone for the weekend.
Or is this another DD who wasn't mentioned in the being left alone for the weekend thread?

You should stop the lessons and let her learn when she is older.
You do not need to drive to be a teacher as long as you live somewhere where there are a lot of schools easily accessible by public transport. University placements will take into account whether people can drive or not. Worst case scenario she might have to stay in an airbnb for a few weeks if a placement is not accessible.

It's highly unlikely that your daughter is a bad driver OP. Driving is mostly about confidence and hers must be shattered with all these men shouting at her.

The things she's finding though are NORMAL.

I was a shit driver - sexually assaulted by my very first driving instructor as a teen. I stopped learning, left home, then started again with the loveliest, most patient instructor. Was hard going as first especially with the past trauma but he was so patient, and I progressed well.

He took me on back roads first, concentrating on two gears, then turning, parking, before finally taking me out onto busier roads. it took 20+ hours of lessons before the road but he was super patient. Nobody is expected to concentrate on all of these things at the same time easily when beginning, it comes with practice. You will hear people bragging about 'only' having a few lessons but they never mention the hours and hours of parental car practice.

A family friend of my then boyfriend's took me out for some practice just before my test (instructor was on holiday).. he was terrible. Constant yelling, put me down, told me I was a danger. Undid MONTHS of good work. I was crying by the end, failed my test in the first 5 minutes. My instructor was shocked, he asked my why my driving had deteriorated so badly.

Anyway, I put that behind me, carried on with instructor, had some hypnotherapy, which helped. I passed my second test. On the most difficult route, with an examiner known for harshness. In fact, during the test there was a cyclist coming the other way.... cars behind were beeping me, I ignored them and calmly waited for him to pass before overtaking. Examiner was impressed.

I'm now free as a bird! I need to drive for work but I can do anything. Drive to hikes, drive for events, I still take public transport but if there are strikes or anything,. jump in the car and I'm there!

Please don't be a coward. Please defend your daughter. Don't let another woman's life chances be restricted by angry, rude, borderline abusive men. Who knows. Even you, confidence might a problem rather than dyspraxia.

Change to a more pleasant instructor or an automatic. If THAT fails, then maybe consider giving up. But not under these circumstances.

p.s. my instructor was soooo nice I did break down in the car a couple of times and he let me off free of charge for the remainder of the lesson. And he kept telling me I would eventually pass. He never showed any anger or frustration towards me. I'm tearing up now thinking about him now he was so patient.

For goodness sake! It’s just not ok for an instructor and your husband to be shouting at the poor kid. No wonder she hates it, and no wonder she doesn’t have any confidence. As her mum, protect her. Take the pressure off. Plenty of people, teachers included m, don’t drive. If she doesn’t learn now, that doesn’t mean she never will. Leave her be to find her own place, don’t tell her about your experience and for goodness sake stand up to what is after all emotional abuse from her dad and her instructor.

I suffered with social anxiety as a teenager and was not ready to learn (and couldn't have afforded it). I learnt at 21 after having spent three years doing a 1.5hr commute to work by bus everyday and passed first time. My daughter is similar and has chosen not to learn yet (she's currently at Uni) but probably will later when she's ready. My soon to be 17 year old son can't wait to learn and is already on a waiting list with an instructor.
I know at least 3 people who have never learnt for different reasons and it's not held them back, I think you just need to accept certain things need more planning or you need to be more flexible, e.g. relocating for work.