Would you approach parents if school won’t ?

[Millymollymaisy]

Hi just looking for some feedback

my child is in year 3 with quite a nice bunch of kids. A few weeks ago he experienced a nasty episode from another child where they had been playing with some other kids and then my son noticed everyone was running away from him, being quite brave in my opinion he asked why? The ring leader said because you’re stupid and nobody likes you. Very shocking and very nasty but school dealt with it same day and as kids do they moved on.

yesterday i collected my son from after school club he came out in floods of tears. Turns out he and the same child had walked together from one area of the school to another, this child was sliding on the bannister and my son said wow that’s cool all of a sudden a switch again and this child comes right up to his face and screams shut uppppppppp! Before this child was saying a lot f swear words.

My son has ASC so navigating friendships is a little more taxing for him but I think the most upsetting thing is this child seems to switch from being friendly to being horrible in a second .

I did not realise at the time when he was walking to my car in floods of tears that the child and his mum were parked in front of us. If I have known I think I might have approached her for a word about what’s happening. Some friends have advised against it some say maybe a direct word would help? I’ve emailed the school about this as I’m concerned it’s two incidents in a short space of time and it’s starting to feel like it could spill over into bullying if not stopped.

this child also excludes others in the playground he will makes games but not allow one or others to join. My son told me last week he saw a mutual friend of there standing sad in the playground watching others play and he walked up and said ‘ it’s —-‘ isn’t it ? And the other boy was sad and explained he wasn’t be allowed to play.

I know kids fall out and become buddies like the wind but I’m concerned that it may continue

Yeah in my experience I’ve absolutely had no choice as schools are really bad at dealing with bullying!

My daughter was being bullied after I’d complained time and time again in her teens secondary school! In the end nearly had her eye taken out so of course I rang the police for assault stressed to the school many times it was going to far! So by the power of social media I contacted the mother and I’m glad I did she was raging with her daughter.

The mum explained that she was aware her daughter had been bullying (multiple pupils!) but the school had really down played the incidents and because she was continuing to attend school mum kind of thought well she isn’t being excluded or expelled etc so how bad really is it? Still had words with her but…..yeah wasn’t fully aware.

Don’t approach the parents at this stage. It’s not worth it. They could be nut jobs and make it worse.

The school will be well aware of the child’s issues. You’ve emailed which is good. Talk to the teacher at drop-off too. Tell your child to stay away from this child. Explain that the child isn’t being very kind etc. Work on boosting your childs self-esteem - talk about all the lovely friends they have, and how many people love them, and who they can play with instead, etc.

this child also excludes others in the playground he will makes games but not allow one or others to join. My son told me last week he saw a mutual friend of there standing sad in the playground watching others play and he walked up and said ‘ it’s —-‘ isn’t it ? And the other boy was sad and explained he wasn’t be allowed to play.

I would focus on this angle when you discuss with your child. How kind he was to comfort his friend, and that was the right thing to do. How this unkind boy is doing it to everyone - how horrible is that? But it’s not just your son. This boy doesn’t know how to play kindly. Etc.

This.
Don't approach the parent. You're not going to be able to approach the parent of all the kids who give your son a hard time for the rest of his school life. There'll be plenty, trust me.

You're better off preparing him that some kids aren't nice or friendly and it's best to do x, y z. Like keeping clear of them, and sticking to a wide range of friends, and going to an adult when things get out of hand.

It hurts when other kids are horrible to yours

Never approach the other family. If great they will be powerless to help their three year old behave better and will already be doing and modelling things that work. If awful they can be utterly toxic and your child can end up excluded while you get hostility. To school every time.

By asking if you should approach the parent your assuming they are going to respond favorably and kindly, what if they don't, then you will have two problems.

Sorry year three not three - still too young to be controlled from a distance if behaving like this.

IMO it's almost always better to go through the school. Parents tend to get very defensive when their child is accused of bullying and it doesn't usually end well.

Yeah - an argument in the carpark over the kids is the last thing you want. Because, apart from anything else, it will become personal.

From the schools point of view: At the moment your son is one of a number of children experiencing this child's bad behaviour. The school will try to mitigate the kid's behaviour and you can engage with them about it on a the basis of how your son is being affected - but they won't disclose much about the other child's behaviour plan, as is correct. You don't know what the background situation is.

Once you go to the parent you insert yourself into the problem in the school's eyes, as you'll have escalated this into an adult to adult conflict off school premises, which could potentially directly affect the situation between the children in the classroom. Much more complicated! Does that help make sense?

Actually this is a really good point! I’ve never thought of it like that when I approach a situation because my eldest kids dads family ARE nuts with a reputation hence ex! So people tend to link that with the kids surname so I haven’t really looked at it like that I’ve always had more of a “well thankfully your dealing with me and not dds dad banging on your door” attitude because I’m sane 🤣 I like to think!

But I think a plan does need to be put into place as it can easily go a bit too far! Even if the school schedules so they don’t cross paths tricky I should imagine with playground etc school discos but if they exclude problem pupil from these events and hand out detentions at a year 3 level I think that’s enough to get it in to there heads they need to change there tune.

If you do approach them bear in mind that the school has probably told them a completely different story to what you understand and they may even believe your child is the aggressor. Also consider that the school will do nothing to address the bullying situation and will actually do things which make it worse.

I would probably approach them but take the position that everything is a complete mystery and you’d like compare your version of the story with theirs, and take it from there.

Thanks , I think I won’t approach like people have said the outcome could be even worse . I emailed his teachers and copied Senco as school as been a very happy place for my son and I would hate to see it change . My son totally gets it’s not just him and I’ve explained that for someone to call others names maybe that’s how he sees himself and it’s not a reflection on him. Completely right there will be more of this in the future so I’m mindful of that . Such a shame on all sides and when the child wants to be nice he can be it’s the quick switch that is bothersome. The downside to me is I’ve invited this child to a upcoming party and he’s accepted ( before these incidents ) fingers crossed he doesn’t ruin it

Oh God it was so simple back in the day. I was pretty much "On It" every time we played tag and was not a fast runner and threw a strop - so in the end I just walked off in a mood and they could find someone else to be "On It" as by then I was past caring