Dh leaves me feeling so confused

[Dontknowwhatsglongon]

Had a quite stressful couple of days with Dc being taken to A&E, all ok now. We both took dc last night to A&E and then I went back today on my own with dc, v tired and quite worrying time. Dh had to work today, but I kept him updated with messages, plus my parents and a couple of good friends, all very supportive. Got back after a long day at dinner time, Dh came home after work and was all on edge, out of nowhere he started to say how I shouldn’t get all panicked about it and panic him and Dd. He spoke like this for a while. I wasn’t panicked, although I do get worried/anxious when it comes to Dd, I don’t show this and am practical and calm. I was so tired and didn’t understand why I was getting the criticism and I started to cry, I just felt utterly deflated and tired after a day of watching my 5 year old have CT scans and worrying about her. Dh then got really angry at me for crying, started storming around, then sat down and forever to look at me and was telling me to stop crying and giving me the most nasty looks, I had to go in the kitchen as felt so upset. He came in and was getting angry at me, saying I shouldn’t have cried, I said I was crying because of what he was saying, he said he wasnt blaming me and I was crazy etc. I just stood there feeling so upset and confused and even a bit scared by the look on his face.
I still feel really strange and just so low
Did I misinterpret was he was saying, should I have not got upset?

*Started to look at me

I still feel really strange and just so low
Did I misinterpret was he was saying, should I have not got upset

Are you familiar with the term Gaslighting @Dontknowwhatsglongon?

I’m confused too. I don’t really get what you’re trying to say. But anyway. No, he shouldn’t make you feel upset and more shit after you were naturally worried about your daughter. He’s an arse.

I don’t know what your normal relationship is like so take what I say with a pinch of salt. When DD is hurt Dh gets really flustered and panicky, I deal with it calmly because I’m communicating to her that she’s fine and also when something bad happens I tend to just slow down and focus very tightly on the problem. I find it difficult to deal with Dh in these circumstances because it feels like he’s too panicky and I find it a) distracting b) unhelpful c) I think it’s going to freak Dd out when what we need is her calm so we can fix the problem.

I’m not criticising you, after one a&e visit with Dh panicking and Dd turned out to be ok just needed time to heal Dh ate something and I was looking at him thinking “how can you eat, I want to vomit right now”. So it’s not that I don’t feel anxious or scared or worried I just don’t express it in the same way and I think it can cause conflict.

Oh, @Dontknowwhatsglongon . I think you probably know this is wrong.

First of all, he berates you for “panicking.” The NHS doesn’t hand out CT scans just because someone is panicking. They will do a very, very thorough exam and they will observe, but they will not put a child through a CT scan without reason. So you’re not wrong to have been worried about your DC. And he doesn’t even know if you panicked your DD because he wasn’t there.

Then, as a result of the fact that you’re exhausted, you’ve been worried all day, and now he’s angrily berating you, you start to cry. Instead of comforting you, he gets MORE angry at you for crying, and just keeps getting more and more angry and tries to yell at you to make you stop crying? The only people who stop crying when they’re being yelled at are people who fear that if they don’t, they’ll be hit. Usually abused women and children. This is so very wrong.

This is why you feel strange. This is why you feel low. It’s the opposite of everything that someone who loves you is supposed to do. And he never realized he was wrong and stopped; his anger against you just kept growing and growing.

I think you know that he’s wrong, and I hope this is one bad day and not a pattern with him. Either way, what he did today was emotionally abusive and it cannot happen again.

I hope you feel better soon, OP, and I hope your little ones feel better as well.

He was getting angry at me too, because he said Dd would hear me cry and it wasn’t fair on her (I always hide tears) but was just so upset, but he was the one who had upset me

He may be feeling his own fear or worry about his child but instead of expressing that directly he is expressing anger at you. This is not unusual among some men who will project things onto their partner and then get anger, because anger is the only culturally acceptable emotion for men to express. From what you say he is also likely to have internalised a competitive way of relating; in which men use comunication to dominate rather than understand, so by putting you in the 'one down' position, eg. by criticising you he soothes his anxiety by feeling dominant.

If he doesn't calm down and apologise for his dickish behaviour, next time he has this kind of outburst try to see him as a child in an adult body having a tantrum. Just calmly call out his behaviour by saying something simple like "cut that out" and leave.
. Don't talk on and on, or try to explain, since engaging with him when he acts like this rewards his immature behaviours/adult tantrum. Just say that one line and walk away to give him some space to be with his own feelings. It is not your job to do his emotional work, nor is is it your job to be his emotional punching bag to alleviate his anxiety.

The reason I suggest being direct and shutting down your involvement in the situation is because pandering to this kind of dominating, angry emotional outburst by apologising or trying to explain distracts him from his deeper feelings. You could also simply say "I'm here to listen if you want to talk about your worries about our child" then leave and give space to allow his own feelings. He should be able to work it out and come back to you and apologise after some reflection.

If he can't do this he probably needs professional help. These issues are not likely to be resolved simply by you being a loving partner as he need to learn new emotional skills and beliefs. Just be clear is not your job to fix. His feelings are his to resolve. I'm so sorry you are going through this worry with your child. Focus on caring for yourself and finding others who can support you and let your DH have some space to figure some of his own feelings out.

And if he persistently criticises and blames you, then I totally agree with pps that this is emotionally abusive behaviour.

@Janpoppy He does it a fair amount

So where do you go from here? Can you speak to The National Domestic Violence Helpline?

@CadyEastman Is it domestic violence though?

@5YearsLeft is right. Its obvious in the very first post and becomes more obvious with each post.

I wish posters would stop trying to excuse horrendous behavior as somehow reasonable. No matter how anxious or frightened the dh was he should not have berated OP or followed and threatened her to stop her crying in the kitchen.

Yes, OP, this is psychological abuse even if it has not yet burst into open domestic violence. Try to keep posting here for support and start to reach out for support in real life. There is no excuse for the way he is treating you! You are not responsible for his shitty mood, his supposed fears, his aggressive behavior or anything else. You are doing your best and the fact that he makes you doubt yourself is unconscionable!

Yes it is. He doesn't have to be hitting you. Everything about how he treated you yesterday is wrong and wholly inexcusable and you've been left doubting yourself when he's the one in the wrong.

As another poster said the NHS don't do scans for no reason.

Do keep posting and start to think about how you're going to protect your DD.

I agree with everything pikk wrote. He was wound up, stressed and angry and felt entitled to attack you when you had been in the hospital dealing with all the stress of a sick child. That's outrageous. Already vulnerable at your lowest point of exhaustion, emotional and physical, understandably this broke you and then he further attacked you for daring to be upset and crying. That is abusive twice over, treating you as lesser and putting you in the wrong.

You have to stand up to him and draw that line in the sand. Don't apologise for your feelings of outrage and upset. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are not a punchbag for his anger and frustrations and that you will not be berated and abused in such a manner again; either he treats you with respect and consideration like a decent husband and father or he won't have a wife and family. His choice.

Have some friend or family around you for support and comfort or go out with them and leave him to cope with children and household.

@Abitofalark Hes now saying he didn’t say anything wrong to warrant me being so upset and that I got so upset over nothing and that I reacted badly and he was trying to stop me crying because of Dd

Am really sorry to read that and to see how defensive and in denial he's being, blaming you for his attacks, once again trying to put you in the wrong.

You have to steel yourself to stand up and refuse to let him away with that. If you don't do that now, nothing will change and he will know that he can carry on doing it without challenge or consequences. It has to change and you are the one to insist upon it. Don't cave in or be deflected. He will learn that you are not a pushover but are strong and capable and to be valued and reckoned with. Tell him yes indeed, you reacted badly to being attacked when you were exhausted from dealing with a sick child and in expectation and need of the support and comfort of your husband.

Ask him if he is going to listen and hear you or is he just going to keep denying and blaming? And if he's not going to hear what you have to say there is no way for you both to go forward, but if he is you will have your say and tell him exactly what you have just been through and what you want to happen - e g acknowledgement, recognition and respect.

As you've written it in your opening post giving chapter and verse of everything that happened beforehand with the sick child, everything he did on arriving home and how you felt (that moment of attack when you are at your limit and can take no more), recast your post slightly, as if addressed to him, set it in paras or bullet points as a crib sheet and confront him with it: read from it - here is what happened, here is why I'm upset and have every reason to be - and tell him he shouldn't have been having a go at you in the first place and then when he sees how that upset you, to further put you down for being upset and even now to try to put one over on you that it is all nothing really and you are in the wrong, yet again. Let him be very clear that you're not having it, it's abusive, you are never going to be treated like that again and that's your line in the sand. Do not back down. And do talk to or see some friend or family around you for comfort at this time when it is still upsetting and raw.

YES. Emotional violence IS violence. Get yourself and your child away from this man before he ruins both of your lives.

Can’t believe how it’s all been put on me as if I’m being too sensitive and all he said was that I needed to calm down

Is it domestic violence though?
Rephrase it. DV is now known as DA. Domestic Abuse. And yes he did abuse you, and sounds like he has for a while. Emotional, mental, psychological, coercive control, financial, sexual and physical are covered under DA. You don't have to tick box them all.

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

Sorry that's me who confused things by saying Domestic Violence. It is of course Domestic Abuse and your Husband is an abuser.