Ex is back again and wants to see ds again...please tell me how you would handle this!

[userzH]

Ds is 5.

The timeline goes like this:

Sept 2023 - ex left me after he was being abusive. He tried to come back but I refused.

Zero contact with ds for 3 weeks

Start of October 2023 - ex sees ds for a a couple of hours 3/4 times until end of October.

End of October - police is called as ex tells me js going to kill himself and it would by my fault.

Zero contact with ds for 6 weeks.

December 2023 - ex sees ds for the first time after the police involvement for 5 hours. He introduces his new gf to ds in this visit

He then has ds every other Saturday for 4 weeks

Ex then cancels 2 Saturdays in a row meaning he hasn't seen ds for 4 weeks however he had ds once for tea for 2 hours.

Ex then claims his mental health is bad. In total he hasn't seen ds for 6 weeks.

I have never stopped contact.

He has text tonight to say he is ready to have ds again. I've said I need to see an improvement. My gut says I can't just hand ds over to him after 6 months of complete inconsistency.

I've told him we can meet up the park and he can see ds for a couple of hours but even that I'm not happy about. I need to somehow build up the trust but I don't know how to do it. School are involved and social services have been - for the welfare of him and ds.

Ex claims his mental health is better now. However he has huge narcissistic traits, I don't trust a word he says.

My gut feeling is that I can't just hand ds over to him like nothing has happened. I really love my son so much and I don't want him to be anymore hurt than he already has been.

I also feel I need some firm boundaries in place. He can't just walk all over us like this.

He absolutely destroyed my mental health yet I would never (neither would most) usual that as an excuse to just abandon my child.

Sounds like he needs to show an extended period of stability before you engage in any convo about regular contact…

I sincerely feel for you, I get how hard it is to have this kind of stress in your life when all you want your kids to have the presence of both their parents. Sometimes though, you have to know when to just leave it and do not blame yourself for this. Otherwise the toll on you is too great and you’re no good to anyone if you’re not looking after yourself. You as a mam need to be in the best headspace possible to raise your kids and if he’s negatively affecting that there comes the time you have prioritise you.

My child’s father sorted himself out eventually, so it can happen. Took time and he had to get support for himself, no one could do that for him. He’s still not a particularly nice bloke but he’s a good dad and what’s more is I’m not anxious af when DC is with him.

Thank you all - you are right. I am in tears as I type this because I feel so scared of this man and so used to trying to please him so he doesn't turn abusive.

My son also loves his dad and I don't want to be the one stopping it but ultimately you are all correct. Today I feel dreadful and it's not worth it anymore. I haven't been the one that started this and I need to remember that.

I have emailed my solicitor about this. I haven't contacted social services as I'm scared I'm going to sound petty - I read up on this stuff all the time and know you have to prove you've tried which I have.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I have a really close relationship with my son and I hope nothing will ever break that.

I just want my son to grow up and be ok.

My ex has 2 other children. His daughter I was very very close too but I fear she's taken her dad's side. Her dad has treated her awfully over the years and was very abusive towards her but she can't see what he's like. She recently slept with a man twice her age (she is in her teens) and has poor boundaries when it comes to men. I worry for her so much however there's nothing i can do to help her anymore. She is closer to her dad than she ever has been. Her mum had a restraining order against my ex when they separated which is something I found out not too long ago.

His son is 9 and has chosen not to see his dad anymore. He has a different mother. She refuses to speak to my ex.

My son is 5 - looking at the relationships with his older children, I need to protect my son.

I feel like such an idiot marrying this man. He is very charming. But then abusers always are.

I just wanted to come back and update on this thread.

I ended up blocking my ex husband. He carried on sending me some unnecessary emails and still hasn't seen ds and nothing has been arranged.

He said some nasty things about my older children and I couldn't deal with it. He also told me he 'never wants to speak to me again' so I blocked him and told him to contact my solicitor.

He ignored that and emailed me sa few days later to say he's sorted child maintenance - we will see if that happens. However absolutely nothing was mentioned about ds.

I feel bad for ds as we are now further back than we were before but I just can't tolerate being spoken to like dirt when I am only looking out for my son. I have to have my boundaries.

I suspect he will email me next week asking to see ds again though I really have no idea.

Just ranting really - though I do feel much better that he is blocked on my phone.

Block him on your email, OP.

If he really wants contact he can go via the legal channels. He was told to contact you via your solicitor and chose not to.

You do not have to answer or acknowledge him in any way. If you can't work out how to block, simply click 'delete' on his email without even reading it. You are not obliged to open his emails simply because he decides to send them.

Thank you - there's a couple of typos in the last post. He text me with more not nice messages so I blocked him.

I will block him on the email or just not log into it. It's an email address I set up for us to use a while back when communication was difficult.

I just feel very bad for ds - he misses his dad. But he is just such a toxic person. If he can't meet with ds in the park then he clearly isn't preparing to 'go the end of the earth' for his kids like he always claimed.

Just coming back to this thread again.

Ex emailed me again asking me when he was going to see ds. The following day I already had an appointment booked with an advisor from my local domestic abuse charity.

She told me to email him back with some dates and times he can see ds providing we FaceTime a few times first. My email was pretty blunt - I told i would set up a tablet for ds to use for FaceTimes meaning he would stay blocked on my phone.

I sent this on Tuesday. I felt uncomfortable doing it but I was basically just following advice. I gave him 4 dates in April he can see ds for 3 hours each time and the last one being for longer. I told him if he ca be civil and stick to these dates then context would resume as it was before.

I also told him if he stuck to that, we could increase contact to one day every weekend.

I told him if he was unhappy with this then he can contact my solicitor instead of me.

He hasn't replied so far.

This is really making me feel ill now. For some reason I feel massively guilty. I know I'm not the issue.

Last night ds was taking to his aunty and he was talking about his daddy. He said 'my daddy, you know who I used to see'. He's referring to him in past tense now.

This whole thing is breaking my heart. For me I want him out of my life. For ds, I want him to have his daddy. However it's clear his dad only wants him on his terms.

I'm just ranting again sorry x

There's no way I'd be handing my son over to someone who's threatened suicide. You've been reasonable and offered supervised contact. If he isn't happy with that he can go to court, they wouldn't be very impressed with him if he approached contact they way he has

Hold your nerve. You have given him options and it’s now up to him. I can understand you are sad for your little boy but you are doing the right thing for the long term,

Thank you. It's just a horrible situation.

Unfortunately my ex isn't able to take accountability for anything he's done - he just places blame and constantly plays the victim even though he is responsible for everything. People like him don't ever change and that's the main reason why I'm trying to protect my son and also myself.

He once sent a text to the mother of his son telling her to kill herself - he uses suicide often as he lost his own dad to suicide. He refers to himself as a 'victim of suicide' yet will go around to threaten others with it.

Yet he is incredibly charming and can fool most people too.

He keeps hoovering you back because he wants a response. You give the response he so desperately craves and so the vicious cycle continues. I'd stop communicating with him at all. If he's serious about seeing your child he will go to court. But be warned, even if he does do that, it doesn't mean he'll stick to the order. My ex did this on repeat. He's now disappeared and we have no contact. I've dealt with this via therapy for my son.

You can show you have made a lot of effort to try and maintain contact and he hasn't bothered. You can't hand a child over to a man who uses suicide as a threat. Stop engaging with him.

Yes I know thank you. I have tried and I need to remember that it shouldn't be just up to me to put the effort in.

I don't under why I feel so guilty about it all. I'm still in therapy so will talk about it in my next session. Though I think it's because I hate drama - will usually do anything to avoid it. But to avoid this means just letting my ex walk all over us and that's not ok anymore.

@userzH You feel guilty because you're a parent. We all want what is absolutely best for our kids. It took me a long time and a lot of counselling to realise that having no dad was far far preferable to a shit dad who constantly let them down or wouldn't or couldn't advocate for them. In my case, my ex allowed the OW to be utterly vile to our autistic child. He believed her when she said he wasn't autistic, just "attention seeking". He was simply incapable of being a decent parent. I tried and tried and tried, even made my own application to try and ensure regular contact. It was all utterly pointless. Concentrate on making your child a confident little person. You are more than enough.

To add, they are so very good at manipulating these situations. I remember standing in court while my ex was all emotional and how our son was "his world" and how important it was for them to have a good relationship. Blah blah. He was awarded regular contact that I had already agreed to via CAFCASS. When I got home, I had an email waiting for me to tell me that he was cancelling contact for the entire summer holidays as they were going away. He'd not mentioned this in court at all. I protested and was told "tough shit". It was all about control. You have to stand firm with these arseholes because they don't care how much damage they do.

He would have to take me to court at this stage.

@TheFormidableMrsC thank you for your advice. I am sorry you have experienced similar.

I don't think that ex would take me to court - though he might. Unless his new girlfriend wants to play step mother then he definitely won't as he isn't capable of looking after ds alone. He just can't do it. I can't imagine him want to spend any money on it either.

He always used to threaten his ex with it but he was never going to do it.

I just find the whole thing mind boggling - I can't quite figure it out. But he is a narcissist so I suppose I never will be able too.

I would have bet a million quid on the fact he wouldnt bother going to court, shows how much effort he's willing to put in. The fact he's inconsistent with contact arrangements, should hopefully keep you focused on why you are doing this. I think you probably feel guilty as he's making out you are stopping him from seeing his son, when in a round about way you are, but only on the days he can be bothered to ask to see him (when he's in the mood and no real consistency) I also don't think he will keep it up with a new gf on the scene.

Sorry you're going through this op. I'm afraid I'm going to upset you, but from own experience I also think it's better to get yourself prepared for things that might come. I was in a very abusive relationship. The police was involved several times and one of the incidents I was badly hurt by ex with my child presenting. Ex took me to the court and still got regular contact. Court also stopped me using contact center, which we used as a handover place, saying it was unnecessary trips for a young child. Surprise, surprise, I was assaulted again during another handover.
I understand how hard it is. But the system is broken so you probably need to play it cleverly. Follow solicitor's advises, make your offers look more "generous" etc. As when I said I don't want to stop contact but I was worried about our safety, and suggested to still use contact center as handover place, judge thought it sounded too protective and unreasonable...
I really wish you all the best. Xx

Thank you for sharing your experience. I absolutely hate living like this as I'm sure you did too. It's not fun. I'm sorry that your abuse continued.

I suppose it's just a waiting game to see what happens. I definitely haven't stopped contact and I hope that shows. He won't see it that way though. Probably accusing me of being controlling. It's just horrible.