Struggling to find sympathy

[PixieAndProsecco]

I'm not sure this is an AIBU but it's nice to let it out.
My parents have just informed me that they are separating, they are 60 (DF) and 59 (DM).

This doesn't surprise me, they have had an unhappy marriage for more than a decade (pushing two) and have nothing in common.
What has hurt in this is that my DF has had an emotional affair for around two years, meeting up with the woma two or three times.

Now, I know I should be angry at him but I can't be.
He has spent the better part of 15 years, to my knowledge but possibly more, being emotionally abused by my mum - she insults him, belittles him, dismisses him, is rude to him. She has physically assaulted him too.

From what he's said this affair started as two friends who could empathise with each other due to having similar circumstances (caring for a parent who then died). During this time my mum made him feel guilty about helping his parent, threatened to leave him because of it and continued to emotional and physical abuse.

How my dad has gone about this is wrong, however since the decision has been made its the first time I've seen him visibly seem lighter in my adult life.

My mum is in hysterics all day everyday, can't believe someone would do that to her and how my dad is the devil.
After seeing the abuse I am finding it so hard to sympathise with her. Yes he's went about this wrong and there is no excusing that but I don't think you can treat someone so poorly for so long and then be surprised when it doesn't go your way.

I have empathy and feel bad that she is upset but I cannot get on board with the vilification of my dad because I know the history.

Even typing this makes me feel broken as I know my dad is in the wrong, and two wrongs don't make a right, but I just can't get to that sympathy point.

I don’t think you need to be this involved. Just step back and remain neutral.

You feel the way you feel. No need to be so hard on yourself.

You’re allowed to feel however you feel about this situation.

There is no good guy / bad guy. Relationships are complicated.

Im sorry you’re hurting. Divorce is hard for children, even when they’ve grown up.

Your dad isn't in the wrong in my opinion. Your mum abused him for decades.

I'm glad he's escaped and if an emotional affair is what helped him to do that, then it was the right thing to do.

Your mum doesnt see herself the way you do / the way she is.

Your parents marriage is seperate from your relationships with each of them.

Try not to get involved. Eg "he's my Dad, so I dont want to hear this, I love you but I love him too".

I was talking to my sibling about the matter and they ended up in tears because they "felt so bad" for DM.

When I didn't react that way they didn't react positively. I was unsure if I was broken.

As for not being involved I am trying to led my DF a supportive ear as he is needing to move out whilst also trying to help my DM eat and drink and function. I have made it clear though that the minute there is a nasty word said I'd be done for the day.

you don't sound broken! I'm glad your dad has found someone who is nice to him - good for him!

Was your mother abusive to you and your sibling too?

It can be really hard to say, hear or sometimes even think anything negative about someone who's abusive, especially for children of abusive parents. It can happen if you've witnessed abusive too, not just to those who were direct victims.

Abusers often play themselves as the victim too and it can be really hard to see them as they are.

I'm glad you're there for your Dad OP.

Have you asked yourself why your mum was like this. Are you sure that this the first affair your Dad has had?

Well, good for you. But I agree with a pp that your relationship with both of them doesn’t need to centre around their relationship to one another. Protect yourself where necessary.

She has a lot of unresolved trauma and was brought up around abuse/had an abusive parent, an unbroken wheel apparently.
It doesn't excuse her behaviour but it's a reason for it.
Nothing my DF could or did do would have changed that.

I think it’s hard sometimes when you’re in a marriage, especially a long term one, to really know if it’s a good or bad one. Or to see that its gone from good to bad/healthy to unhealthy. Perhaps your mum was unhappy but didn't think it'd come to what it has. Everything else aside, your parents were bound together by lots of things and lots of time, and your mum is likely in shock.

I think the best thing to do is just be there for her and try to keep things general, sympathise with her without telling her that she must gave known he'd leave eventually. She has massive adjustments to make and will be feeling overwhelmed. Most likely in time she will come to see that he was right and she will be happier.

You're getting very biased answers OP I think due to the fact that there is so much ignorance about male victims of domestic abuse.

If you'd posted that your mum had been abused for 15+ years by your Dad, I don't think you'd get a single reply saying to be sympathetic to him let alone ones asking what she did to deserve it!

I think physical cheating is unacceptable as people clearly know they are crossing that line. However IN the case of emotionally abusive partners, emotional affairs are very easy to understand. If you aren’t getting any emotional support from a partner human beings will naturally gravitate to someone who gives them that, it’s not human to live without any care and affection. And when you’re just nurturing a connection, it’s not the same clear line that it is unforgivable if they’ve crossed it. Obviously it might be unforgivable to the ‘cheated on’ but i would be supportive of your dad op. I hope he’s happier soon.

You need to take a calm consistent line of ' if people aren't happy, they need to try and sort it out.' Make it clear to your dad that you understand his actions and don't blame him.

Can you spend a day with your mum, talk to her, let her have her wave of weeping & outrage and then ask her what she is scared of.

Is it the humiliation of being single at 59
Is it because she loves him & is desperately hurt
Is it because she has never lived alone and is scared
Is it the thought of losing her home
Is it generally financial
Is it a control thing

If you can get her to tell you that, then you can try to help her.

Good luck to your dad. Everyone deserves a bit of happiness.

This!

@senua 's post inferring that OP's DF must've done something to warrant the abuse, simply because it's coming from a female, is abhorrent