To have concerns about this little boy

[ElsasGlassHorse]

OK bit of a sensitive one here, so I’ve got my seatbelt on!

A relative of mine has a DS who is a bit older than mine, he’s now 9 years old. He is a difficult child in some respects in that he tends to seek attention via negative behaviour, eg shouting insults at you, and he always has done.

A couple of years ago, when I first met him - they had been living abroad until then - I noticed that this child talked a lot about lavatorial matters (I am being vague because I don’t want to attract Herberts). He would always ask if he could watch me change my baby DD’s nappy and then when she got older, he would constantly reference it, shouting stuff at her like, “You wear poonappies!” He would also try to accompany my DD6 and my DD7 into the bathroom when they needed the loo, and would go so far as to be sly about it, eg hiding behind the shower curtain.

So his parents told him in no uncertain terms not to do that, and we made sure we were always with the DDs and kept a close eye on things whenever we saw them, which is maybe 4 times a year or so. I thought he had grown out of it, although he still does some very age inappropriate things, like shouting sexual swear words.

But then we went to stay with them over half term and he was up to his old tricks again but this time asking the girls and his own younger sister to go into the bathroom with him when he or they needed the lav, and barging in pantless when they were playing Barbies telling them to look at/touch his willy, and then laughing when they screamed.

My cousin knows about it and they told him off and told him to stop it right away. But her view is that he’s “just being a boy” (what does that even mean anyway, and besides, I don’t know any other boys who do this!). However she says the school have never said anything about it so I assume he doesn’t do it there.

So, AIBU to be increasingly concerned about this pattern of what seems to be escalating behaviour, and should I be trying to talk to my cousin and her husband about seeing someone about it (and who?).

Or am I overreacting and should I just make sure my DC are OK and let them deal with him?

It feels more than a bit creepy tbh, but then he is only a 9 year old child.

TIA!

Absolutely not "just being a boy" behaviour and is seriously concerning for his welfare and other children around him.

This needs refering on to social services or his school safeguarding lead.

Don't talk to the parents as they could easily be the perpetrators or know who it is. It can't be normal to see that type of behaviour in your own child and ignore the red flags so it leads to the theory that they are complicit in the abuse.

Another possibility is that he could be given unsupervised screen time and consuming extremely inappropriate content. If he's been watching porn from a young age just for the forbidden thrill of it, then that would also be a form of abuse via neglect.

The behaviour reminds me a bit of a boy from our school. He was the only child to older parents and was given virtually no boundaries growing up. He had his own computer much earlier than anyone else, at a time when it was still a luxury for the entire family to share one internet access. He used to brag to everyone about the x-rated stuff he downloaded online, showed them to people when they went over to his house and he would also do weird things like flash other kids on the playground. I never got the impression he was a victim of SA but developed deviant behaviours as a result of having zero boundaries and enabling parents (they were wealthy and his mum adored him). He was basically the "weird kid" at school but ended up with a relatively normal life.

Poor little boy.

Agree with all PPs

Also a mum of 4 boys and I've never encountered this in them or their friends. I'd be very careful to keep your daughters away from him while this is being looked into, and worried for his sister. This isn't normal behaviour at all. Sending hugs - what an awful position to be in :-(

"But her view is that he’s “just being a boy”"

And that's how he'll get away with it as his behaviour escalates. Indecent exposure, flashing, assault, rape, that's how it'll progress unless his behaviour is dealt with properly now.
I grew up with a cousin like this, whose parents said he was just being a boy. Now I'm age late 40s I'm still affected by what he inflicted on me over years, starting with "harmless" pulling his pants down around me (it wasn't harmless btw, I hated seeing it).
By all means seek advice and pass that on to his parents, and to his school if you know it. But keep your daughters well away from him.

Not normal. Is he accessing stuff on the internet that isn’t suitable? Although it can be an indicator of sexual abuse it may not he helpful to jump to that conclusion. How much access does he have to the internet?

agree with all PPs saying this is a safeguarding matter and should be reported- to local social services if you are not sure of his school, and definitely do not tell the parents
however, although this behaviour is indicative abuse may have happened, its not definitive. Its very unusual behaviour for a child his age. But in a younger child it would not be so unusual. You would expect it to be a phase and for him to grow out of it. But it needs an expert to look into it.

"Being a boy" might be dancing about nude for two mins in a silly way while drying after a bath.
What you describe (esp directing at visitors) is outside 'usual behaviour'.

I think you have to report this because although you can keep your DC safe, because you don't see him often, I fear more for his sister because his mother in particular seems blind to the problem and so his own sister would be at risk from him. He might be being abused himself or he might have been abused in the past either way he needs support and guidance to stop this behaviour.

Finding it funny that it upsets the girls is way beyond "boys being boys".
Whether it is the videos, abuse, relates to things he has overheard or none of the above, there's a risk to himself and others if it continues to escalate.

I'd tell the school everything you've said here. They may well have other concerns recorded. Social services would contact them anyway to find out, so it would only mean that what they see and what you see can be shared together in the first call to social, could speed things up.

Don't accept that it's 'being a boy.' Boys and adult men aren't held accountable for their actions because of this tripe.
I have nephews this age and whilst they certainly think that willies and bums and poo are hilarious, they also understand boundaries around toileting etc.
Being sneaky about it suggests that this boy knows what he's doing and isn't just being 'silly.' He hasn't grown out of it either; as you said, the behaviour has escalated. The asking to touch it is very worrying- where has he seen that? What is he possibly subjecting his sister to? For both their sakes, I would report it and obviously keep your girls away.
I have a friend whose brother sexually abused her as a child. It caused so, so much damage.

Absolutely do not have your dc around him anymore. Personally I'd report to the relevant services as a safeguarding issue and then cut all contact.
It sounds harsh but your children's wellbeing and safety is paramount and he is already behaving dangerously around them.

@User5426462 the unsupervised internet access is what I think the issue is most likely
to be. He’s always got his nose glued to an iPad or an Xbox or some sort of screen. I don’t want to sound judgey of my cousin but I think that needs a lot more boundaries and I think they need to spend more time with him rather than letting the devices bring him up, hard to think that about your own family and I always try not to judge other parents, but this just… isn’t quite right!

some really useful stuff here re social services thanks again all. I’ll look up the team in their area 💔

I do not believe my cousin or husband would do anything to their children

Sadly you can’t be sure. Speak to social services ASAP but I would also make contact with the NSPCC for advice on what to do to support your dc too.

I’ve worked with children around this age for 25 years I also have an 8 year old son. I have never seen behaviour like you described. I wouldn’t say it’s normal at all. Report to social services.

*I do not believe my cousin or husband would do anything to their children

It’s not unusual for the most unlikely people to be secretly bad people. You don’t know everyone who has contact with your nephew and you don’t know what he watches online. Lots of kids have social media and internet access without restriction. This boy needs help immediately.

This

It's not like child abusers wear a t shirt saying 'child abuser'
They get away with it because people don't suspect them

Absolutely what everyone else has said, not normal at all.
Boys talk about farts and sing songs about poop but nothing like you’ve described in your OP.
Another vote for you not having any idea what truly goes on behind closed doors. Very disturbing indeed. Also; don’t tell the parents. Report it and keep out of it

First and foremost I would make sure your children are never around him. If the cousin asks to come over or invites you to her place, then simply say "I am really sorry but your son's sexualised behaviour is upsetting my children, and causing me concern, so we won't be able to see each other until this has been sorted."

The second issue is where and whether to report this behaviour and needs serious consideration. But your primary duty is to your own children.

I am sorry you are faced with this horrible situation.

This is definitely not normal behaviour. I dont know a single child that behaves like this. How awful - I wonder what might be going on behind closed doors to perhaps cause this.

Very unusual behaviour, bit more extreme than the usual giggling at farts. As others have said could be sexualised due to abuse or it could be a sign of undiagnosed learning difficulties or neurodiversity. Which for some children can manifest in difficulties understanding boundaries and fascination with certain things.

Just to give a different perspective, (I’d still report). I went to school with a young boy who did this (I was 7, he was 6). He would chase after the girls, exposing himself etc you can imagine I won’t elaborate. He was diagnosed as having learning difficulties.

I would definitely report it but I'd also keep my children far away. If this child has or is being abused that is horrible but your child has to come first