AIBU to think I need new friends?

[WhoNeedsEnemiesWithFreindsLikeThese]

I struggle to make friends. I don't think I am weird or anything,. I just don't think I have the girl code.

I do have a best friend, but she lives 1.5 hours away. We talk weekly, and meet up once every 3 months. She is like a sister to me, so I am not that weird eh? Also, at work, I have really good friends. I love these people, and the feedback from my manager is that I am very popular, and respected. I don't hang out outside of work with them as we all work in a city centre and come in from all angles and live miles away from each other.

It's the "friends" I have outside of work, that I struggle with. I live in a very posh area and these are the people I meet via DC's school etc. I am in a large group of women that we socialise with e.g. lunches, cinema, dinner. It all seems very superficial. We have been friends for a decade and meet at least once a week.

Recently I was in a very bad road accident. I got run over and I was in hospital. This experience made me feel both loved, and treated with indifference. People who I thought were just acquaintances at school and in my daily life were really shocked, and offered help, sent me presents and bought me flowers etc. I was really touched. However, when I said to my other group, school mums, that I had been in an accident, they literally went "oh dear, sorry to hear that. Anyway, about Little Johnny's lost rugby boot" and then someone else put up a cat meme about some bollocks. Only one of the group actually contacted me directly to ask if I was OK.

I'm still seeing people in this group, but I just feel like it is superficial bullshit, and that they are actually not a very nice bunch of women. Some of them are massively full of themselves. I am trying to enrol in other things where I live. I took up a hobby last year and have met some lovely people.

I still feel a bit lonely though.

Anyone else struggle with female friendships?

You clearly have social skills and the ability to make friends . This school mum group don’t seem to be ‘real’ friends, just people you see for activities.

I read Ask Phillipa in the guardian sometimes. I’ve been musing all week on something she said recently - it was to accept people for who they are but place them where they belong. Make realistic decisions about where they fit into your life, based on who they consistently show you who they are, rather than on who you want them to be. I’ve found this a very helpful insight with a close relative who’s given me a lot of grief.

It sounds like the school mums are good only for passing time with and mostly not very caring…and if you want closer friends, you need to look elsewhere. It does take time but it sounds like you absolutely do have the ability.

Hope your recovery from your accident is progressing smoothly. Accidents and illness do seem to highlight who our ‘real’ friends are.

Hope you feeling ok op. Yes people not that sincere now I find. Maybe one two good friends thats it. Others quite flaky. Im trying join few hobbies and branch out

I like that Keepongoing, that is a good way of looking at things. Sorry to hear you are getting grief off your relative.

I do think developing new hobbies is the way to go Mary46. I decided this year that I wanted to make new friends. I am being much more proactive than I have been before. I am "putting myself out there". I am meeting someone I work with, and get along really well with, next week for lunch in the city. I've thrown myself into the hobby a bit more and I plan on joining another hobby that I want to do. I've decided I am happy to do things alone, as when I get there I meet others in the same boat.

I have a DH, and he is great, and my DC are now teen to adult, but DH works long hours, so I have a lot of spare evenings.

It certainly is the case that illnesses and accidents show you who people really are. I was really quite surprised at the lack of empathy and compassion I received and it just confirmed that these people are self absorbed and superficial. One person who knows some of these women did say to me recently that they don't really mix with them as you can't get past the laquered veneer to real friendship.

I guess sometimes I just feel "is it me?" because I see them getting along well with each other. It's a bit like that show Motherland, with me being one of the lesser characters that no one would notice if I didn't turn up. There is definitely an Amanda or 2 in the group.

I know I found that too. Very shallow. A family member dropped me once she got info out of me. Very insincere. You would need a thick skin these days!!!