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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to travel with family

6 replies

Qwertyme · 06/03/2024 21:44

My grandmother passed away recently and my mother and uncle's want to return her ashes to her place if birth in a European country.

There is an expectation that the grandchildren and great grand children will also go. However, for myself and our family it's likely to be a significant amount to pay for this as we are all adults and there is talk of going for 3 to 4 nights minimum. With Fuel, parking, air fair, accommodation and food etc it will be around £1,500-£2,000. Maybe more as traveling in October half term due to work commitments.

When I said I wasn't sure we could afford it she indicated that she might give me some money she's inherited from my grandmothers estate, however she hasn't said how much or if this will be more than the trip is costing us, just "that you might have some money by October"

However to secure cheapish flights (not particularly cheap imo at around £250 each) we need to book this asap and we have literally no disposable income after topping up uni fees. I am managing to save about £100 a month but this was for a holiday fund for our family week away in August. I've current got about £1,100 saved.

I adored my grandmother but I've said my goodbyes to her at her funeral. I don't particularly want to spend such a large amount on a few days away. 1.5k usually pays for a week away for us as a family.

I don't know how to tell my mother that I can't justify the cost. We as a family probably have the biggest outlay as other family members are singles or couples and without children (apart from one cousin who has a child under 2)

My children are older teens but we are supporting them in further education so we'd have to pay for 4 adults.

I don't know, I probably abu, as the cost will probably be covered by the money my mother intends to give me.

OP posts:
SherlocksDeerstalker · 06/03/2024 21:48

Absolutely not being unreasonable. This is not about your grandmother with the best will in the world, it’s about your mum and what she wants, which sadly doesn’t trump what you want. Which is a lovely holiday with your own family. Youve already said your goodbyes.

Direstraightsagain · 06/03/2024 21:49

You can’t go unless it’s funded. Try and do it as kindly as possible for your DM. She is being unreasonable to expect you to go but might not realise it yet as she’s grieving and has a vision for the funeral. However, with the situation you described you can’t justify it. Maybe propose you do something here to remember her as well as them flying over.. a family day/meal/open house.

rookiemere · 06/03/2024 22:20

I simply would not buy any flights until she has given you the money to do so. This may sound harsh but it's more important that you have a family holiday than spreading ashes when you have already been to the funeral.

It sounds more like something your DM and Duncle should do by themselves than involve everyone.

Scaffoldingisugly · 06/03/2024 22:26

My aunt once asked me to go away with her to a religious retreat (her dm. my dgm had recently died...)she paid.. I went as a carer..
When we got back she said she had used my inheritance from dgm to pay my share... Don't be swayed by the lure of financial help op.
Grieve at home your way.

Kitkatfiend31 · 06/03/2024 22:42

You certainly don't have to go. Putting yourself in debt is not worthwhile. You could just go yourself if you think that would be a good family compromise?? Or just say sorry can't afford it.

Moobz · 07/03/2024 08:25

Just go alone for 2 or 3 nights.

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