How to get rid of resentment

[Totallyanonymousplease]

As per the title... I love my DH but feel quite resentful a lot of the time.

I earn 2 x what he does in a well paid job in a senior role. He has a fantastic job which he loves and is somethings lots of people would like to do (musician). People always go "oooh" when he tells them what he does. His job means he is out at least 2 times per week in the evenings and the other days not home until after the DC are in bed. Home working not an option. He does drop off both DC to school in the mornings.

So I juggle my job and all the afternoon/evening childcare. Due to my seniority I can be very flexible and no one questions where I am or why I'm not in the office. I am never able to stay late at work, go for drinks after work or do anything ever without checking his schedule first and in most cases arranging a baby sitter. I do all the actual parenting in the week. If you asked him he wouldn't know what the children do or where they go each day after school.

I want him to be happy and he loves his job but this set up just seems wrong... he is unlikely to earn any more money from it whereas I still have great career progression opportunities. He can only do this great job because I am picking up the slack at home and he has the quality of life he has because of my salary. (People always assume he earns more than me...probably not relevant but it does grate sometimes.) It just feels like after school drop off he is "done" and goes to work and goes to lovely things in the evenings (although he will remind me that it is still work) while I am actually earning the money and sorting everything out. I am proud of him for his job and there are some perks for the whole family (going to gigs for free etc).

I really don't know what the answer is... I think leaving him would not solve the actual problem as he wouldn't be able to have the kids in the week - and I do love him very much and we have such a fantastic time together. I have mooted him getting another job which he didn't reject out of hand but has (rightly) questioned what kind of office job would have him after doing this for such a long time. And I want him to be happy. Before DC we talked extensively about doing everything 50/50 and I trusted that we'd figure it out together but I don't think he ever had any intention of changing his work to accommodate doing everything 50/50.

Any advice mumsnetters? Do I need to reframe my thinking and be happy and grateful that I have a happy husband and get to spend lots of time with the kids? My job is pretty incredible in that is is well paid and very very flexible.

Maybe I need advice to letting go of resentment... help!

It's not fair for you to keep going like this, shouldering all the burden of parenting and house stuff, and earning twice what he does!

How much free time do you get each week? And for much does he get?

When he's out working in the evenings, is he actually performing or just attending eg gigs?

Why don't you ask him what would happen if you gave up your job and did something you'd love to do, but which was poorly paid?

Why is it fair for him to do something he loves if you are doing everything else?

I can understand your resentment OP, as it must be hard to always have to be there for the kids when they do actually have TWO parents. However, as you've realised, as a single mum things would'n't be any better, and you'd probably miss the social life and perks that his job brings too. You're also in the very privileged position of having a very well paid, flexible job, so quite honestly I think perhaps although life seems hard right now, your best bet is to swallow it, as children aren't so young that they need you to be around forever, and once they've reached the stage where they can be left, you might be really glad of the opportunity to still go to gigs for free.

I can relate to this. I’ve always been the higher earner. I’ve got a good career and good pension. DH has had his own businesses but never made much money. Followed his interests, retrained to something else that he fancied. Has been able follow his interests and never worry about financial security responsibility. When we had DC it was supposed to be 50/50 but obviously when I was on Mat leave I did most of it and when I went back to work part time that continued. It’s taken 11 years to get to the point where it now feels fair but I feel like I’ve had both domestic responsibility and financial security.

Eve Rodesky’s book ‘Fair Play’ has really helped. If you google there is a website and videos. It helps to show all that invisible work that often falls to women as the ‘shefault’ parent.

I think I realised that whilst it was resentment, underneath that, was envy. I wish I’d had the same freedom to explore what else I might have done. I’m now making sure I take time to follow my interests and that I get self care time. It feels selfish but it’s only what DH has done the entire time.

If you earn a lot more than him, can he not drop a couple of evenings in the week?

Can you start by agreeing one evening a week where you can stay late? Say you need to for work?

Thanks so much for the replies. @Cordeliacordyline I think I will check out fair play. Also yes to being a bit selfish I think. He wants me to go out more which would mean getting a babysitter in the week which I feel guilty about but he doesn't.

He can't really drop anything without it affecting his entire job... To the poster that said underneath the resentment is envy... I think that's right. I envy that he has so much freedom. In some ways though I think he is envious that I have a great career with great prospects so maybe it goes both ways. I think he would like to be the main "provider" but it hasn't worked out like that.

I actually really like my job and it's exactly what I wanted to do when I was younger so I can't say that I have sacrificed enjoyment at work for this, or that I envy his career.