To be terrified DD might have ASD?

[Helfs]

DD is nearly one, and since DH was diagnosed as an adult a few months ago I’ve gone into a rabbit hole around early signs of autism.

When DH received his diagnosis our GP did say they’d let our HV know as there can be a genetic element and they would therefore send out some support and guidance on things to monitor in DD between her 1-2 year checks. As they’d not be able to diagnose or do anything until then.

I didn’t think much of it until she recently started moving her fingers strangely, googling it, it looks like stimming, then she started squinting a bit more than normal - so of course I did the stupid thing of googling that as well.

It has got to the point where it’s consuming me. Although DH scored pretty high in the testing, he is minimally impacted by his ASD, holds down a good job, and although you can tell there are ‘issues’ in terms of large social situations etc. is pretty ok in all other areas (if you didn’t know he had ASD you’d probably just assume anxiety)

My younger brother however is the opposite end of the spectrum, very severely impacted and still needs care at 27 years old.

Growing up seeing how my brother struggled it really is worrying me. And I don’t know whether it’s normal to worry about this or not as she is our first baby (and likely our last too - as if she does have ASD I could never bring another child into the mix based on how badly my brothers diagnosis impacted me growing up)

If you went out with the intention of spotting red cars you would probably see loads whereas on a normal day you wouldnt register or notice seeing any. I think you're too focused on something that you cannot change or prevent. Enjoy spending time with your baby instead of looking for signs of ASD, this sounds like it's consuming you.

I think your post is worded poorly and comes across like having a child with ASD would be the worst thing in the world however its clear you are worried.
Step back and get some perspective on the situation.

I was going to suggest counselling op. If something overtakes your mind so badly then you do need to address it. I'm guessing you can't just stop looking at tik tok otherwise you would have.
Is your mental health good otherwise?
I ask because I had consuming thoughts when I had post natal depression. There were things I couldn't stop thinking about.

Op i know where you are coming from. I have been there, and well , maybe i am still there. The Paed' said he thought dd was asd, because she didnt have any gestures, wasnt particularly interested in toys in a typical manner, no words.

there is no genetic element of it in my family. But i have a best friend who has 3 asd dc, who are currently 9,12,13. 2 girls,1boy. And she told me, not to worry, as especially how far her own kids have come.

And for the first time i am a little bit relaxed about it all, as im kicking off early intervention. I enrolled on a SLT course, Im more interactive with her at home. And its yielding great results already. Shes affectionate, smiley, doesn't have any sensory issues, sleeps eats well. and is a rather typical toddler, but doesn't talk yet and stimms too.

Do things that will empower you to navigate through this. I did and its made me feel better, especially from feeling a pit in my tummy all the time and crying for her future.

Have you ever considered that you might be autistic, particularly if your brother is. You are certainly hyper fixing on this particular issue.

Your daughter is here now, there is definitely a chance any child you had could be autistic with it being on both sides of the family. It would make sense to parent her with this in mind and how wonderful that you are already aware of the possibility and professionals are already on the case and aware so that she won't be in her teens if she does require an assessment.

My daughter is autistic like your husband she is very low support needs, learning to balance her energy levels is generally the trickiest part so that she doesn't get overwhelmed. Parenting a child with high support needs is without a doubt a life changing challenge, but anyone of us could require similar support through accident or injury at any point in our lives. I bet you don't go around terrified you'll be in a car accident and require support like that so don't be worried about your daughter.

I agree with @Jellycats4life

Also, have you consider that you might be hyper focusing on the topic in part because your also ND?

My dad and sister are autistic and I was worried my children would have it too. Then as they developed as normal babies/toddlers that fear slowly went away.

Then fast forward 8 years later and it turns out one of my children is most likely autistic/adhd and the other has adhd/dyspraxia and dyslexia. Both of them have only started displaying "symptons" these last few years. Both perfectly "normal" as babies and toddlers

I dont think theres any harm in researching and finding ways to best support your DD if she matches up with the symptons. I wish I'd known sooner for my kids

Honestly op, I know some happy successful autistic people and some miserable unsuccessful neurotypical people, why worry about whether she has autism rather than whether she is happy?
And I say this as the mother of an autistic teenager who is going through a very hard time at the moment.
Anyway there is nothing you can do, it’s not like you need to find out asap so she can take anti autism pills.

To add - I was diagnosed with ADHD last year and I'm awaiting an autism assessment. Noticed a lot of similarities in myself

My son never slept and I used to struggle with baby groups. I just thought I was a crap mum (but my second child is so different and not getting consent sensory overload so I know now how much easier is can be!) other than that he stimmed in a gorgeous way and was incredibly repetitive when he started playing.
His speech and development in pretty much all areas were spot on. No concerns at all.
social communication was diffirent and he struggled with being ‘appropriate’. This only got worse as he got older. Now as a four year old he is very different to his peers. But he’s quirky and loveable and popular in his own unusual way. It helps to be on top of everything and a very supportive nursery/school. And yeah he stims like mad but it keeps him happy.

Terrified? That makes it sound like autism is a disaster, life threatening, years of hospital admissions, operations etc.

Yes there are somethings about being autistic that arent fun...... but there are often lots of pros too. Some of us have superpowers.

Not all autism is the same...... if you've met one person with autism you've met one person with autism. And yes it can be difficult (my ds for example can be a challenge but hes also very often absolutely awesome) its not a life sentance and certainly not something to be terrified about.

I’m autistic and not offended at all. My youngest may also be autistic, well actually it’s highly likely, and I’m so upset about it. It’s a harder life in an NT world, it understandable OP doesn’t want that for her child.

I think the problem lies more with you and your over thinking.

Of course it's normal be be worried- all parents worry about their kids.
However, I think you realise you need to step back a bit if its becoming all consuming as you can't change the outcome- but understand that's easier said than done!
She may or may not have autism
And IF she does she may be like your DH or DB or anywhere in between.
Possibly counselling may help you as it sounds like you may have had a difficult childhood due to your brothers disabilities and your husbands diagnosis has reopened those memories.
Enjoy your wonderful daughter and try not to worry too much - as a fellow overthinker i love this quote-
"I've had a lot of worries in my life most of which have never happened"- Mark Twain.

My dd was diagnosed at just 2, she is very severely affected by her ASD. I won’t lie it’s hard-every day is a struggle but every now and then I see tiny glimpses of progress and it keeps me going. You do cope and it becomes your new normal it’s not something to be scared about

I was going to ask this too, OP.

When my kids were babies I spent a lot of time obsessively focussing on/researching things e.g. routines, reflux... and as they've got older all sorts of other things including autism.

I wish I'd just chilled a bit more but I think as an ND person myself I struggled with the uncertainty and lack of control, and when I don't know something I get sucked into hours of research to try and make it make sense.

Both my kids are ND, and they are delightful humans. They are both very different from each other too. You don't know how your baby will be when she gets older. Worrying about it won't make a jot of difference at this stage. It's good to be aware, so you can get support later if you/she needs it, but there's no urgency to try and fix it or get any definite answer.

The thing is op, I mean this with kindness what if she is? You can’t change it so stop the watching of tick tok etc if you notice more as she gets older of course highlight it to hv etc but she is who she is. I didn’t have any idea my ds4 (now 12) was going to be asd and struggle as he does, but thank goodness as I enjoyed his baby and toddler years he was happy and if there were signs I didn’t notice them, but it wounding have changed things today.

He would have still had a a diagnosis and we still would’ve struggled. enjoy your baby op, these years are short, too short to be worrying yourself sick, knowledge is power but only if you use if constructively - you’re aware of the link, you know what to look out for now step back and concentrate on giving your daughter the best early years as you can whilst keeping an open mind about possible diagnosis later on. It may never happen is you’re going over the top with trying to find something that may not be there.

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, take time for yourself, speak to people if you need to and just take care of your little family

Did you stop to wonder how offensive your post title is?

Terrified?

You are lucky to have had such measured responses.

Just noticed a missing word in my post. I obviously meant to say that having an autistic PARENT massively increases the likelihood that a child is autistic.

Whenever I meet parents of autistic kids I always try to spot which one is the autistic one. Sometimes it’s both. ND people tend to flock to each other even if they don’t have a clue that they’re ND. That was certainly true of me and my husband.

I wish I'd just chilled a bit more but I think as an ND person myself I struggled with the uncertainty and lack of control, and when I don't know something I get sucked into hours of research to try and make it make sense.

I definitely did this too @mimblewimble.

I sit for hours every evening on TikTok watching videos of autistic babies to see if there are similarities.

How do you know whether any of these babies are actually autistic?

I totally understand your fears but you need to take a deep breath and step back. Your DH has autism and he leads (in your own words) a perfectly normal life - he has a good job, he's married, he's a father. Not everyone with autism ends up needing life-long care (or indeed, any care at all).

The reality is, with ASD on both sides of the family the genetic likelihood is already there. There’s no point hyper fixating at this point, just take it day by day. I didn’t actually start suspecting my eldest was autistic until he was 18 months - no speech but amazing problem solving skills (he started speaking at 2 and has ASD without a LD). My second son did start using words at 1, but by 2 and onwards it became very apparent he was autistic and has learning difficulties as well. By the time my third came along I’ve not decided from day for he’s also autistic, but given that brothers (and dad) are, it’s simply kept in mind when looking at progress/development. All three are wonderful kids, autism isn’t the end of the world. I’d even be controversial and say ADHD is a more difficult disability to support my kids with (at the moment) but at least life is never boring!

Theres literally no point worrying about if your daughter is autistic at this point. If you must google, look at early support and intervention, sensory play, speech development methods - they’re all basically what a parent should be doing with a toddler anyway.

It’s normal to worry, however you are worrying for nothing right now as there will be no way of knowing. Enjoy your DD, try to put it to one side.

I'm autistic with an autistic child and I don't find the word terrified or anything else she has said offensive.

This is a scared mum coming here for some support, please stop jumping on her for the language she uses.

I don't think it's an abnormal thing to worry about. You want your child to be ok.

I have ASD, same as your DH fine in my career but pretty severe social issues.

My DH has adhd and has struggled a lot with it in all aspects of his life.

We decided not to have children simply because we didn't think we'd cope.

Only on Mumsnet are you not allowed to worry that your child might have autism without being made to feel that you're somehow prejudiced or overreacting. I think we all know by now that autism is a spectrum disorder and some people are more impacted than others in terms of navigating their way in a predominantly neurotypical society. The unknown is scary.

And asking someone if they will love their child any less is ridiculous. It's not about whether you love them, it's anxiety about how life will pan out for them. My youngest has OCD and Crohn's Disease. I'm allowed to worry about his future. Nobody with (or without) either of those conditions has ever berated me for that worry. My 15 yo is awaiting an autism assessment btw, so I'm not completely ignorant of being in that specific situation.