To ask for a hand hold. Don’t know how we are going to cope

[Soph922]

My BIL has been fighting cancer for 2 years. He’s been in the hospice the last few weeks and the doctor came to see him and said it’s very likely he is now in his last couple of days. Everyone has come to see him and be with with him. He’s in a very very deep sleep now, unresponsive . He is only 62.

My Dsister is the same age and has early onset dementia. She doesn’t understand how poorly he is and has been denying it for many months. Whilst we are here now with him, she is talking about the caravan holidays they will have in the summer. It’s heartbreaking. She is in the moderate stage but has denied carers and shouts and swears at them. She wants family there all the time though and will call when I’m at work and want me to be there. We visit and help out as much as we can. She is wanting to leave the house late at night by foot, which isn’t like her at all. I’m worried about how she is going to cope when he is gone. I just don’t think she will

They have two grownup children, in their late twenties. One lives 150 miles away and had to get a train in the early hours to be here.

Just looking for a handhold as I don’t know how we are going to cope moving forward

@AlwaysTheRenegadeThank you. So sorry to hear to that your DF has been unwell. I hope you get some answers soon xx

It’s just so so sad. They have been together since they were 18 and lived a very happy life together xx

This is so very sad to read.

Wishing you the strength you need to get through this.

I hope her adult children, who will soon be grieving, are also able to make practical and sensible decisions about their mother's future needs. Or that they allow you to guide them.

If you don't have health POA maybe you could get it before she declines Further. I've seen this with my Auntie who when my Uncle died unexpectedly of a sudden heart attack her dementia worsened overnight. She refused to believe he had died despite viewing his body. My other Aunt moved in with her to care for her but she only coped for about 4 months before she couldn't manage my Auntie with dementia because she started to get violent. SS were really good and did an assessment and she went into a home. She self funded from sale of her house for about 3-4 years then when her finds dropped below threshold SS funded. You need to get SS involved asap, because they don't work quickly due to backlogs.

Does she still have capacity to sign and understand a power of attorney? I can’t emphasise enough how important it is to have both the financial and the health ones. It is easy to do yourself.
what have her children said?

What do the adult DC want for their DM?

Support them to contact SS and get a capacity assessment for their DM. Is there a power of attorney in place?

Speak to someone at the hospice as they may know who is best placed to support the DC.

I do understand how incredibly difficult things are. Went through similar when my DF died, DM went downhill almost overnight.

Just seen your sad update. If she's cannot understand that he's sadly about to pass away (whether that's grief or dementia) then you may need to confront the fact she may not or cannot accept that he's died, or will forget he's died (which might accelerate her wandering to look for him). DAunt was like this when her DH of 65yrs died. DUncles passing basically accelerated her decline. Sorry to be so blunt.

Although it sounds like you'll all be rallying around to support her in the coming weeks it might be a good idea to find out about whether any of her DC have health POA for her or arrange asap whilst she can still consent to it. Otherwise seeking deputyship is a lengthy and expensive.

I really feel for you as your family's situation is so tough.