Hi all - I don't know if this is the right place and I'm a bit nervous to even ask...
I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my first child and about to have a meeting with a midwife to discuss my birth options. I have come to the realisation (after copious amounts of research about pros and cons of both) that I really don't think it's best for me to deliver vaginally. From aged 15-20 I was subjected to a very brutally sexually abusive relationship (rape almost daily) intertwined with coercive control. I am undergoing specialised sexual assault counselling and take Sertraline for depression and anxiety.
I find the idea of being out of control when my vagina is involved very very triggering with multiple new people touching, handling and looking. I know you can ask to keep exams to a minimum, but emergencies happen and I cannot control that someone won't read my notes etc. Whilst I know it's natural and they are professionals, I just know that if I can sometimes get worked up into a state when DP and I are intimate, then I KNOW I will have huge problems with this.
I don't want to risk my first encounter with my baby being one where I have spiralled and disassociated like I used to have to do during my assaults. I will not be ok. I'm already starting to panic.
I don't know how to bring this up with my midwife. Part of me thinks she is just going to say that I need to deliver normally because I chose to be a mother and what did I expect, I don't want to appear selfish like I'm putting my needs in front of my child but i'm really really really starting to panic.
How do I ask and make sure I'm taken seriously? I'm not very good at standing my ground and still feel a glimpse of shame the assault happened and the feeling I should just get over myself and put my baby first.
Sorry for the long post, I'd really appreciate anyone's advice on this.