Overheard Mother-in-law being unkind

[Lastrolos]

Was at the funeral of my DHs uncle and my MIL was talking to other family members we don’t see often and I don’t really know well and I over hear them talking about me and my DH. They ask the classic question, “do you think we will have any more children” (we have a DD, 2 at the time) and MIL replied, “I’m not sure they could cope with another one”. She is nothing but kind to my face so I was somewhat shocked to hear her say that. She has never had our daughter, I have asked for no help and to be honest, she’s thriving and well cared for so it’s not a justified comment. We are financially stable and loving parents. What on earth was she thinking?

I've heard people say that, as in a joking sense. No one should be asking anyone if you're having more kids, therefore I think her reply shut them up.

Do you have the sort of relationship with MIL that you could just ask her what she meant by that? Or could your DH ask her?

She could have been implying something unkind but it’s not worth stewing over unless you understand what she meant.

That’s just weird and ridiculous.

I get it’s a classic question 🙄 but it is still a ridiculous question to ask MiL considering it is none of their business and it was ridiculous of MIL to answer.

A simple “I don’t know” is an easy answer than saying you think someone can’t cope regardless if that is true or not.

I agree, it could have been a way of deflecting a personal question. I think it’s depends how it was said.

I wouldn't read too much into it especially if she's usually kind. Who knows what she meant. Maybe she meant no one could cope with more than one or maybe she felt uncomfortable being asked something so personal and just blurted out something or maybe or maybe she wanted to shut up the asker. Or maybe she genuinely thinks you can't cope and even thst doesn't have to mean that she thinks you aren't doing a good job or whatever.

When you say dh's uncle would that be miles brother? If yes, then I think you really need to cut her some slack.

But yes, as pp pointed out “I don’t know” would have been a better answer!

Yeah, that’s not kind op. I wonder, though, if it was a knee jerk response and she said it without thinking? What’s your relationship like with her normally?

No it was her BIL who she didn’t have a great relationship with but none the less emotions would have been high because her husband just lost his brother, I do understand that

I suspect my MIL might think it of us 😂

We turn down offers of help because otherwise she'd be on top of us all the time (we see her plenty, but prefer it to be social).

Our house is a bit of a well-managed pit at the moment, not her own show-home style, but it's clean, laundry is done etc.

Storm in a teacup, not worth falling out over. Move on.

If your 2 year old is a typical toddler, perhaps she was just making a joke and more about how exhausting / loud toddlers are, rather than putting you / DH down?

That's nasty. I know how it feels cos my MIL is all nice to my face but slags me off to the hilt behind my back (I know this because if she does it to dh he shows me the messages). Your nbu to be upset.

I'm not sure I would interpret that as 'nasty', just a deflection. I mean, my own MIL definitely thinks we only had one child because we 'couldn't cope with' more, but as she had five children by the time she was 22 while living on fresh air and small change in two damp rooms above a shop, I tend to discount her ideas of what's normal or advisable.

It's an odd comment but not unkind. You are reading too much into it.

Could you cope with another one? If the answer, unequivocally, is yes, don't let her comments bother you. If not, she's obviously picking up that vibe.

Maybe she was just trying to close down the conversation?

Do you parent very differently to your MIL? Or is she perhaps a neat freak and you're a bit more lax with tidying (or vice versa)?

Sometimes people can believe that someone isn't coping well with parenting because they do/did not manage their DC's behaviour in the same way. My own MIL is lovely but she is very organised (the type to iron underwear) whereas I don't even iron apart from maybe once or twice a year. She is diplomatic in front of me and says 'we're all perfect mums in our own way'. I know she probably thinks I'm struggling to cope though! The truth is that I prefer to spend my time out and about with my 3YO and 4MO, so I choose to be more lax by her standards.

Thank you all for your replies. I realise now I misquoted her and what she actually said was, “they can’t cope with the one they’ve got” which I think is a slightly different connotation and a kin to telling others that she’s not cared for adequately. But as I say, that’s a completely unjustified comment so it was unfair to represent us that way in front of a table of other parents. And I do think it was unkind because we are patient, loving parents and our DD is very happy. Just makes me wonder what else she may say about us when she thinks we aren’t listening.

Yes we parent differently, perhaps she views our differences as me not doing a good enough job but that does make me feel sad. I will talk to her about it though and of course move forward, I never suggested falling out over it. We all say things we don’t really mean from time to time.

That does have slightly different connotations.. and isn’t a nice thing to say. And to be honest I’d be furious if I overheard my MIL saying that.

What does your DH think about it?

How odd, if she doesn't even help with dd I'm assuming she's basing this statement off your time spent together socially?

It's a nasty thing to say. Can you think of any occasions where anything's happened that would make mil think this? Has dh perhaps said anything to her?

I'd be wondering what conversations dh has been having with his mum.