Need a handhold - parents evening

[cadburyegg]

Feeling sad tonight after being told both my y1 and y4 are behind at school.

I was expecting y4 with maths but it seems he struggles so much with writing now (he just finds it uncomfortable/hard work) that they have given him a laptop to work on. Maths is coming on but not the main concern. He is on spelling interventions too.

Most of a shock was my y1 who has always seemed to be up to speed. Apparently he is behind in counting, reading, forming sentences.

I have been given some tips to work on at home. I feel so guilty because I just don't have a lot of spare time with them. Their dad won't do any academics at all with them on his weekends with them so it's all left to me. I know that's not an excuse. It just seems so overwhelming.

Any tips please?

On the plus side my y4 is settling better (has always struggled with separation anxiety) and i was told my y1 is a sweetheart and has a lovely nature, very well behaved etc.

My DC were behind, poor writing etc. Both have dyslexia and dysgraphia. They write slowly, misspell words etc etc. They needed laptops and extra time in exams.
DS1 is in the final year of STEM degree at a Russell Group Uni on track for a good result and DS2 is doing science and Maths A levels.

If you had seen them in KS1 and some of KS2 they would have been struggling and behind. However, targeted interventions do help at their age.

Look at something like Dancing Bears to build phonics skills.
https://www.soundfoundations.co.uk/product-category/dancing-bears/

Audiobooks to help with the structure of narrative, grammar and language.

Work on fine and gross motor skills. Big arm movements and fine activities like threading beads.

Ask the school how they plan to help.

Bless you OP, of course you’re down about it, any good mother would be. But some positives: they both have teachers who care, have identified issues early and are on track to helping them. And more importantly, you are raising confident, kind boys - a credit to you. I don’t have any practical advice because my DCs are younger than yours but it’s such early days, I’m sure it’s not necessarily an indicator of their long term progress. Good luck and do not blame yourself.

My son was on or below expectations for much of primary school. So much seemed to be related to handwriting (he never did get his 'pen licence'!) and was frustrating as I knew he had more in him. Did get better as it went on but we were kind of set up to expect him to be an average achiever.
His first parent's evening at high school I nearly cried as it was like they were describing a different child. He is in top set for most subjects and for Y9 options has been pushed towards the academic pathway. It's night and day. Partly maturity on his part but a big part I think was that he seems to have found his place - he is much happier with the separate subjects and different kids in lots of his classes. He is also a nice polite kid who helps out (not at home but hes 13, we can't expect everything).
It's so hard but focus on the positives, they are obviously trying hard and behaving well. Focus on reading together and separately at home, breadth of reading is the biggest single indicator of success. It'll all be fine x

My DS was behind most of primary until his final year when a fantastic teacher realised his writing (motor) skills were holding him back.

He really struggled to translate what was in his head to paper and it impacted his confidence.

At the time DH and I were so worried.

He got a laptop and the change was amazing once he got used to using it. His writing is still crap to be honest but it's not been not barrier in the long term as he on track in his last year at Uni for a first class degree (in Maths) and been accepted for an M.A. at Cambridge (also having a very pretentious internship under his belt).

Something we could never have foreseen after many primary school parents evenings when we were told he was massively behind.

So my advice is to not assume anything. Focus on "the now" and getting your children the support they need without worrying too much about the future ( easier said than done).

Post primary things just started to slowly fall into place. As he used his laptop, his stress about writing reduced and he could free his brain to do well academically.

FYI we also suspect my son is (moderate) autistic but he has never been tested. He knows this and also decided not to get tested independently of myself/DH.

A formal diagnosis is great for many people but as a family it wasn't a path we wanted to take (would have been different with a more complex/severe presentation).

*😂 prestigious and not pretentious internship

That's a top class typo 😂😂

Make it into fun. Get a pack of cards , play simple games to help with numberd Get junior scrabble to help with letters, reading and spelling.

I struggled with writing when I was a child. I had dyspraxia which wasn’t diagnosed at the time. It meant I had very poor fine motor skills and couldn’t hold a pen properly or write very well. Teachers said I was behind as well because I struggled to get any work done. It was very frustrating as I actually had a good understanding of most subjects, I just couldn’t write. I did okay with education in the end. I was never extremely academically gifted but I did A levels and have a degree. Eventually getting a diagnosis helped as I was allowed additional time in exams and assignments.

It sounds like the school is doing the write thing giving your child a laptop to work on. This will help him a lot if it’s mostly writing that he struggles with. Your children are still so young. There’s plenty of time for them to work on the things they’re struggling with and catch up to other children. Just follow the school’s advice and support them in any way that you can. There’s no need to feel guilty as it really doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong. Children just learn at different paces and have different needs.

I'd say focus on literacy and maths,
but make it fun, rather than homework

So do rhyming games i.e.what rhymes with round? Pound, sound, found.

Correct their grammar every single time. Without fail. Repeat the correct sentence back to them. Every time.

Same with maths - it I've got £5, apples are 50p each, how many apples can I buy??

Don't worry. My son found writing really difficult because his joints in his hands were really hyper mobile and he has dyspraxia - an OT referral might help?

Y1 is just a baby. Don't even worry at all.

Fwiw both of my kids were 'behind' especially ds. He's now applying to nest Unis in country with excellent grades. A lot of his friends were 'behind' and haven't gone down the academic route but are training to be joiners / mechanics / electricians

My youngest son never met any of his expected levels academically all through primary. I just told him to always try his best, and what ever grades he got i was proud of him knowing he was trying hard. In year 6 he passed all his Sat's.
He left high school with b and c grades and started his first job at 17 and is still there 4 years later.

Re: practical things we just supposed his use of the laptop.

We got him a kindle with text to speech to encourage him to read without being stressed (this worked really well as he could follow the speech with the words on the page).

We did a lot of art/painting at home to help fine motor skills without the pressure of writing. This was fun and easy to do. No pressure but was really helpful. Also Lego. Putting together small models was brilliant in this respect and good fun.

His maths was a strong point so we encouraged this. There are loads of good resources on the internet for primary maths.

I suppose the overall theme was not to assume that his experience at primary would define his life.

It helped that my mother had been a primary teacher and was clear that development is not linear. The children who are superstars at primary are not always the ones getting into universities and the ones who are "behind" more often than not, catch up with their counterparts and can exceed them.

It's tough though as a parent. I remember coming out of a parents evening sobbing. He was 2 years behind etc

Fast forward and he's academically outperformed every child in that primary class. So don't assume anything.

Oh OP that is hard to hear, it sounds like the school are putting somethings in place to help.

The biggest most evidence based thing to do to support learning is to read with them ❤

The feedback I about their personal progress is lovely, and much more important than the academic side of things ❤

One of the most important things you can do for both boys is to keep their self esteem bolstered around academics. Children who become anxious about being 'behind' cannot access material as well as those who are relaxed and curious. Read to them lots, use audiobooks in the car, remind them that you're so proud of what you heard about then being well settled and good behaviour.

Of my 2 oldest, one was 'behind' in elementary and one was a super academic teacher's pet. They're both in high school now, and the second is outperforming the oldest by miles. That slower start and extra repetition seems to have given her much better foundations and a far better attitude to challenges.

I just wanted to say thank you for this post. My Y4 girl with some extra needs is WT in maths and has been for a while. Keeping her upbeat about trying her hardest has been my policy, but sometimes I wonder if I should be getting tutors etc. Reading this post was a useful dose of reality.