Feel cruel

[boysfootballteam]

My DDad lost his lovely partner after a long illness last year. He is in his 80's and reasonably fit. He has never been able to drive due to medical reasons. His partner did all the driving. Since her passing he has become increasingly needy. I love him very much but he expects either myself preferably or my DH to go to see him every day or go out for lunch with him. He will call me in the morning to say you will have to take me here dentists opticians etc. I know life must be difficult for him at the moment but I feel he thinks I should always be available. The lunches out are also affecting my weight and finances I do suffer with anxiety and this adds to it. I do have a DB but he lives in Canada

Are there any social groups or clubs you could suggest, so he’s seeing other people frequently so needs you less for daily visits and lunches?
See if there is a social prescriber at his surgery or in his area, they can advise what is available, but there are often U3a, social clubs or weekly lunch clubs or something available.

Don’t feel cruel - looking after parents as they get older is challenging. Especially as you probably have other responsibilities to look after.

Can you meal prep for him and set out at the beginning of each week what you’ll be able to do for him and the days you can be there in person so he knows in advance?

Literally like a timetable. This way he can tell you what he’s got coming up also and there’s less uncertainty.

We do this with my grandma.

Are there any other kind neighbours, friends, more distant relatives who can drop in or offer support?

Say when you see him on Sunday...say. see you Tuesday....
Then start to space out further but do enlist neighbours to invite him for a coffee or encourage him to invite them over. He needs to build a support network which includes you but not exclusively

It is so difficult isn't it! That is why, as my DH and I have got older and less healthy, we have had discussions about how we would cope if either of us were on our own.
How about suggesting he takes a taxi for appointments or for a weekly shopping trip, ask him if he would like you to do an online grocery order for him. Find out what help he can get financially or otherwise. Make a standing arrangement to see him once a week, or whenever suits you.
My mother was the opposite - she just would not ask for help, so I asked her if we could come and eat our evening meal with her when we did our weekly supermarket shop, as she lived very close by. It meant I could pick up a few bits for her, and we took it in turns to cook. It meant that I could ensure she had food in and that she was eating properly.

You're going to have to be firmer with him.

Firstly I would find out what actual appointments he has booked for the week that he NEEDS you to take him to, and work around those.
Tell him that you'll see him on those days and maybe go for a coffee after/lunch occasionally.

Secondly I'd have a look at social media pages in the local area and find out what's available that he can get to independently (there may also be a ring and ride service?)
In my small town we have a community cafe that's really popular with the older folks, as well as a day centre that does a two course lunch three days a week plus activities for pensioners.

Plan the week and be busy doing other things on the days he has no appointments.

Thank you ladies for all your advice I am definitely going to investigate some of your suggestions

He is obviously missing her terribly. In the first year I would probably see him every other day and then phone on the days I did not see him. He’s lonely and it’s very early days. I’m sure once the weather warms up he will start feeling more confident. He’s utterly bereft now.