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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let her go away with BF?

19 replies

AllGoodNamesRGone · 05/03/2024 20:53

So, probably just looking for some perspective here and if I really am being unreasonable.

My 16 year old DD has asked to go away (in UK) for a week in the summer with her boyfriend and his family.
Both me and husband have said no.

Issues we have are:
*We don't know him or family well enough (we have invited him round but wasn't really given much of a chance to interact with him - them, not us as we tried 🤷‍♀️)
*Met the parents once for about 5 minutes on the doorstep
*She has pets, so is responsible for them, me and dad work long hours and we don't mind occasionally, but she already has a couple of weeks away before summer with college when we will be looking after them
*she has a part time job - commitments again
*she has been getting bad grades at college, is not pulling her weight round the house and attitude is quite awful lately - so I think, doesn't really deserve 'another' week away this year
*we already have a summer holiday planned and I have booked and paid for weekends away in the summer too
*they've only been 'going out' for a couple of months

Am I (or we, my husband and I) being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 05/03/2024 20:58

She needs to take responsibility for sorting care of her pets and time off work but at 16 stopping her going isn’t really going to work.

vxa2 · 05/03/2024 20:58

YABU

Tigertigertigertiger · 05/03/2024 21:01

You are being so unreasonable

Lizzbear · 05/03/2024 21:03

Seems like it could cause a problem. I'd say yes 🙌 if she promises to try harder with her grades

NamingConundrum · 05/03/2024 21:03

It's the summer. Let her go conditionality. Job is fine, it's what holiday is for. At 16 I don't really think 'i don't know the parents' really flies, she isn't 6. Pets - what will you do if she goes to uni elsewhere? Really pets are your responsibility. She can go if she still goes on your holiday and her grades are up to scratch. Give her time to bring them up. If they're not above a certain level she doesn't go. You don't give her money towards it, if she wants to go on holiday with BF like a grown up she funds it herself like a grown up.

DinaofCloud9 · 05/03/2024 21:05

I'd let her go.

Dartmoorcheffy · 05/03/2024 21:07

She's 16, you can't really stop her unless you want to end up having a bad relationship with her going forward. You csn tell her she needs to buck her ideas up and she will need someone to take responsibility for her animal's while she is away though.

Littlebitpsycho · 05/03/2024 21:08

Are you being expected to pay? Or is she paying with her wages? Or is the boyfriends family paying?

If you are expected to pay then YANBU, tell her she can go if she sorts care for her pets and sorts out her grades and attitude.

If she is paying for herself, and she can arrange care for her pets then i think YABU. The attitude at home is unfortunate (and I wouldn't stand for that) but the grades are her problem, she'll soon realise when she doesn't get onto whatever college course she wants because she didn't get the grades. Consequences 🤷‍♀️

Bex5490 · 05/03/2024 22:45

I’d want to meet him and his family properly first. Could you make the first move and invite them round for a cuppa or food to talk about the holiday?

If this relationship lasts, it might be a bad start with his parents if you don’t let her go without giving them a chance.

penjil · 05/03/2024 23:06

Why do you need to know the parents? What's that got to do with anything?

If you met them for 5 mins on the doorstep, surely that should give you a quick opinion?

zeibesaffron · 05/03/2024 23:06

I would let her go on the understanding that grades and attitude improve.

WhateverMate · 05/03/2024 23:10

She needs to ask her employer for time off work, pay for the holiday and sort out care of her pets.

Then I'd let her go.

She's 16 and you've got all these weekends away planned and a Summer holiday but to be honest, she's growing up so how much longer do you think she's going to want to go away with mum and dad?

SKG231 · 05/03/2024 23:17

If she has a job then I presume she is paying for the holiday herself and therefore you’re being unreasonable.

shes 16 not 5, it doesn’t matter if you have only met the boyfriends parents once. What else do you need to know about them? You aren’t heading over an incapable small child.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 23:22

penjil · 05/03/2024 23:06

Why do you need to know the parents? What's that got to do with anything?

If you met them for 5 mins on the doorstep, surely that should give you a quick opinion?

My kids went away with their friends (not boyfriends/girlfriends)

We met the parents properly first

Upallnight2 · 05/03/2024 23:22

I mean, I moved to another continent at that age, so I'm going with you are being unreasonable. So long as she sorts out pet care etc. She's old enough for a holiday with the boyfriend

Universalsnail · 05/03/2024 23:34

You are being unreasonable. She's 16.

HanaJane · 05/03/2024 23:43

They might have broken up by the summer anyway! I would let her go as long as she sorts out pet care and can get the time off work

Ebony69 · 05/03/2024 23:48

Wow. I’m amazed at these responses. No damn way would I allow my 16 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend. And especially within the context of bad grades, attitude, etc. As for the poster who questioned the need to meet his parents beforehand.. .. You really don’t see the need? My view is that it would be negligent to allow her to go off in the care of strangers. I can only think it’s a cultural difference.

BannnnaSplit · 06/03/2024 23:43

AllGoodNamesRGone · 05/03/2024 20:53

So, probably just looking for some perspective here and if I really am being unreasonable.

My 16 year old DD has asked to go away (in UK) for a week in the summer with her boyfriend and his family.
Both me and husband have said no.

Am I (or we, my husband and I) being unreasonable?

Hmmm, Being the parent isn't easy, especially when you're having to be the " bad guys " by saying no for whatever reasons.
I'm in two minds about this situation.
Firstly she's only 16, but is she emotionally/ socially mature enough to go away? Only you can tell.

I agree that she needs to learn responsibility for pets etc. but at the same time, she's still under your responsibility, in your home as a minor and a dependent...
so perhaps it's time to talk like an adult with her, and suggest she finds appropriate solutions for the pets, and explain why. If she shows maturity, and tries to find solutions then I'd be more inclined to let her go even if you have to be the one looking after the pets.

Perhaps you can have another meeting with the bf and his family?? Invite them round for a bbq?? Or dinner? Or something that will get you all able to enjoy each other's company and get to know them more. Yet again... this shows a level of maturity and respect.

The bad attitudes need to be addressed.
Your concern for her education also needs to be raised, however, she's 16 !! We have been there once too!!
Be careful not to come down too hard, as this may only make matters and relationships worse... and the last thing you want is too much secrecy as then you won't know if she is ok/ or not

Providing she can show that she's showing a change in attitude etc and realises that she's being supported by you then I'd probably let her go.

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