Who’s being selfish here?

[Ginspirational]

I’ve had a full on few days looking after DD as DH worked on the weekend. My mum and sister invited me for afternoon tea on Saturday and originally I asked if he would stay home with DD whilst I went.. all fine. Now my sisters DH is going too (she’s 38 weeks pregnant) and I just mentioned it to DH and he’s suddenly outraged that they are not invited.

I explained I really need a break - I haven’t had any time off in between work/looking after DD and could really just do with an afternoon to eat lunch without a toddler hanging off me / running riot etc.

He thinks that this is now a family affair and they should come.. I’m desperate for a break. Who’s being unreasonable here?

Have a break in the morning instead?

He is being selfish and unreasonable. The fact the other husband is there doesn’t mean a toddler should be - and he’s needed to look after said toddler.

He just doesn’t relish looking after his own child and knows that at the lunch you’d end up being the one getting up and down etc.

Afternoon tea with a toddler is not relaxing - for anyone. I'm past the toddler stage and would be looking forward to a child free, cake centred chat if I was your DM and DSis.

He can sulk all he likes. It's not child friendly.

Yeah - have the morning to yourself then all go out as a family.

Neither parent gets to unanimously decide they're not actually a parent to a child when it suits them. It's not like your DH was playing golf all weekend, he was at work. He could probably do with a break too.

Yes, he’s being selfish. The other DH is there possibly because OP’s sister is 38 weeks? Whether that’s the case or not, OP’s DH is trying to get out of solo parenting his own child.

OP, tell him straight - he is staying at home with toddler as agreed.

No point going at all with a toddler.

Sorry @shenandoahvalley I should’ve mentioned - he goes for curry nights every 2 weeks.

He is basically telling you that you don’t get to have a break. BIL coming is just the excuse he wanted.

This would make me even more adamant that you are going and he can stay.

Tell him he can have afternoon tea next week on his own.

And assess how much more child free time he has compared to you .

I know very well that it’s because he would usually go to MIL’s house but she’s having a hysterectomy on Thursday and so he’s literally going to have to solo parent for once. Sigh.

I could ask that he takes her out on Saturday morning and we compromise and all go in the afternoon but there will need to be a change of venue.

Tell him no more furry nights if he continues to act fuck witted.

PLEASE don’t compromise.

He needs to learn to solo parent.

If you can do it, he can do it.

So he lazy parents then? Expects women to do his portion so he doesn’t have to?

I would be straight and say you need a break more and if he can’t step up, he can’t go to his nights outs either

Ah, well if he gets child-free adult time then so should you. Very not cool.

(This all brings back memories! My DH would argue that him going out with his mates after work is better than me going out during the day because the kids would go to bed at 7 so I'd have the whole evening alone. He'd parse out single hours like that. Fool. Now that the grunt years are behind us and they're delightful, funny, interesting humans people actually look forward to spending time with, he can't get enough of them. And I never miss an opportunity to point out that they probably turned out that way because of all the one-on-one time they had with me when they were little.....)

It’s so frustrating. He is a great dad and he is very hands on when it’s the 3 of us, and she loves him. Yes it’s bloody hard work doing it on your own but he does it so rarely, he can manage a few hours. I normally cave in these situations but I think I’m going to stay strong - it’s potentially the last time in a long time that me, my mum and sister will be together without a baby or toddler in tow.

Doesn’t sound like he deserves them tbh.

Well I'd definitely not be tolerating a DH having furry nights ...

He’s not a great dad, OP. Great dads can take care of their own kids by themselves without batting an eyelid.

Stay strong.

😂

I was going to say, curry nights and furry nights are off the table 🤣

Ah, he does. He's come into his own now that they're older, and they very much need him in their lives. He's all the things to them that I'm not. He just wasn't great with the baby/toddler age. Neither was I, tbh!

Glad to hear it! 😊

Is it a chance to see BIL that he hardly see and gets along with? If that is the case, then by all means, make it a family lunch, but carve out some time with just you mum and sister afterwards. Send the men and toddler off to a park afterwards, so you get some girl time.

Thanks all - we spoke like adults, eventually! I agreed to take DD out in the morning for a couple of hours to give him some time to himself and then I will go and enjoy my afternoon tea in peace - huzzah.

This is my favourite typo ever.

Glad you’re going. Still feels a bit mean of DH though, very transactional - you can have your two hours in the afternoon but I have to have exactly the same in the morning of the same day. What about the curry nights, do they not count?