AIBU to have felt uneasy about this man?

[Stopsmotheringmeeeeeee]

This is rather long, sorry!

Yesterday a man came round to carry out an energy survey on my flat. He was lovely and friendly. However..

For what was only around a 20 minute visit, he made a fair few comments which began setting off alarm bells the more he spoke.

I'll try to remember the order of events!:

My 12 year old daughter arrived home from school not long after he'd arrived. He greeted her and was nice & friendly, as he had been with me.

Then we were chatting, and somehow the topic of kids being addicted to their phones came up- he compared it to being a kid in the 80s, out on bikes all day til after dark and the risk of being 'molested by perverts' (said with a chuckle). I didn't think too much of this.

Then somehow - can't remember how (not sure it was directly related to the last comment) he brought up Jimmy Savile. Cue another jovial comment about avoiding being molested by him.

He went into the loft (I've never been up there) and said there were a few strange items up there- an old bag and a vanity case. He then went up again to have a look inside them, without asking me. I don't think this is that odd- but having reflected on everything else I thought it was a bit strange.

Then I mentioned how stressful it is having to tidy up for people viewing the flat and he made some comment about having to pick up knickers off the floor. Then started going on about how 'shocked' he was at the contents of an old lady's airing cupboard - knickers etc. Because of course that's an inappropriate place to keep them.

THEN his face turned serious and a bit disgusted as he said 'what I really hate though is seeing "lady's things". I looked at him wondering what he could mean and he elaborated about seeing knickers & thongs hanging up and said "I'm too old for all that at 50" (I had some granny pants - and my daughter's - hanging up in the bathroom - I had tried to have them fairly hidden but still).

Then finally, as I was waiting for him to leave (and stop talking) he said something about how he wouldn't come into the property if I wasn't home and it was just my daughter at home, as he's not allowed to do that with under 18s and it's to protect himself.

Then, as he was off, he knocked on my daughter's bedroom door and said nice to meet you.

Now he's emailed over the invoice and says "it was lovely to meet you and your daughter".

Now of course he is quite probably not a paedophile- and I'd normally think he was lovely & friendly - but all those comments in one short visit i just found off.

Also- after my daughter had just got home and he asked if he could go in her room, I thought she was quite rude in her response so I had a word with her. Then after he'd gone, she shuddered & said she really didn't like him and there was something about the look he gave her when she first saw him.

I'm really not one to cry "paedo" - but am I reading too much into this?

Thank you all for your comments - it's reassuring to know that most people would find this off too. @TheMessiahIsMySister
@samqueens @PurplePansy05 (I'm sorry about your experience) and others who have ment gut feeling, and teaching my daughter to trust it- I couldn't agree more. All my life I've been the absolute WORST for being a complete people pleaser- going all out to put others at ease.even when they've been inappropriate or just plain dodgy.

I'm determined to teach my daughter to be the opposite (and to be fair, I think she's managing that all by herself with her attitude!!)

It's true I don't need to see him again - (yes it was for the epc).@Spitalfieldrose

I'm now.creeped out about the loft!! But he wasn't up there long and I was kind ofstandon underneath the whole time. (Argh it's past my phone's bedtime!!)

To the poster who asked why he went up again- he'd just come back down the ladder and was telling me about the things up there, then just said he'd have a look inside them and went back up- without checking that was ok or anything. Just a bit odd.

Check that loft and your DD's room tomorrow, OP. It'a probably OK, but his behaviour was very odd. Better safe than sorry.

You need better boundaries and to assert them. So much of this is wrong. Stop making excuses for his behaviour

Creepy and inappropriate and not professional

No! Don’t dismiss your feelings as overthinking! There are more red flags here than in a red flag shop on red flag day.

Why would a normal nice man say this: “he said something about how he wouldn't come into the property if I wasn't home and it was just my daughter at home, as he's not allowed to do that with under 18s and it's to protect himself.” What kind of man says that?

Of course he was friendly and normal at first. Of course he was.

Your daughter had him sussed and you were going to tell her off for being rude! We should never make kids put the feelings of creepy adults before their own accurate perceptions and their natural tendency to want to repel people like this.

He might not be someone who ever does anything bad, you’ll probably never know, but he sure as hell is a person who has some very unpleasant thoughts.

Yes! And stop being a “people pleaser” with people who make you deeply uncomfortable and do inappropriate things. You say it was a bit odd - it wasn’t, it was utterly abnormal.

You say you’re determined to teach your daughter to be the opposite, yet you were going to tell her off for being rude to a dreadful creep, and I bet she didn’t say anything really rude. You really do need to learn to be stronger and to stand up for yourself, otherwise you’ll never be able to teach her to do the same.

This must be the survey for the energy performance certificate for selling a house or flat.

He shouldn't be involving himself with your daughter's arrival home and greeting her. If unavoidable, a brief nod or hello to be polite, without stopping his work, is all. And of course he shouldn't be making a point of going to her to say goodbye. It's not his place to do that.

In this case, I would be inclined to inform the estate agent that you felt his demeanour was a little presumptuous and unprofessional - a touch intrusive in a stranger's home. To protect yourself, it may be prudent not to go into all the details but if pushed to give some clue, could mention the loft thing.

When a man is in your house it's a sensible precaution to set the tone as a bit reserved and businesslike from the start and if he is being pushy and overdoing the friendliness steer him back to work and don't follow his lead.

YANBU to trust your instinct, @Stopsmotheringmeeeeeee - from what you've laid out in your OP, he didn't start being inappropriate until after your 12 year old came home. I would think that's when your red flag radar went up, yes? Until then, he was just some nice, friendly bloke...?

Report everything he said/did that you found odd to the EA... and tell your daughter a huge 'well done' for having stood up for herself. (Did he wind up in her room, even though she said she didn't want him in there?)

I'm a single mother with a daughter (although she's twice the age of yours) and whenever we had workmen come out, and she was at home - they stayed out of her bedroom (and mine, to be fair). Because that is how their company policy protects them from false accusations.

Having said that, many years ago when DD was perhaps 3 or 4 (she's 27 now), we'd not long moved into a flat - and the boiler packed in. The bloke that turned out to fix it was around my age, very chatty, a little "blokey", but he kept telling me how he and his girlfriend lived in X road, and commented on my tan, and nothing that actually set any alarm bells ringing. Just trivial little bits of chat as I was in and out of the kitchen trying to keep DD and the cat out of his way. Until the next day, when there was a knock on my front door and I'd not long washed my hair, my DD should have been with my ex (which in hindsight, I realised that he'd overheard me telling her the previous day) - and he's standing on the doorstep. Having pushed the balcony door open so hard that it broke the cheap lock. Did I 'need anything doing'...? He'd 'popped by to see if I was alright'. And I'm like WTAF is going on, here...?! Before my survival instinct kicked in and I slammed the door so fucking hard that it hit him in the face, locked it to the point of even forcing the old sliding bolts at the top of doors across which had been painted over, I was that scared. Then I called my ex, my very hefty male best friend... and my father (ex-soldier, not someone you want to be scaring the only daughter of...) and we had new locks installed on the balcony door once the police had been out to look at them. Within hours. Because yes; my ex was so anxious about mine and DD's safety when he wasn't with us (we were 22 or 23 at this point, he was about to go travelling, still lived with his parents for half the week - long story), that as he disrupted his day out with DD to get back to me (and I was sobbing with actual genuine fear), he called the police and reported... I think it was a potential break-in with malicious intent. Now, it could have been entirely innocent - just some nice bloke thinking that I was entirely on my own with a small child, who might need help moving the heavy bits of furniture, or stuff being built/shelves put up... and very little freaked me out back then - but it was his comment that I looked pretty with my hair up in the towel, 'all wet, like that' that made me slam that door in his face. It was the way that he said it... and he knew that I'd be on my own. It took a very long time for me to feel safe in that place after that, new sturdy locks (the balcony door into the communal stairwell essentially became our front door) that when my ex wasn't home, I had friends staying - or my father would pop in randomly for cups of coffee... To this day, I dread to think what might have been.

Always trust your gut.

God, that sounds awful, @contrary13

Uneasy? Bloody hell, it's a team semaphore performance of red flags. Report the hell out of him, he should never be allowed into someone's home again.

@contrary13 Christ. Well done you.

Yeah he sounds mad

Women's knickers? Give me a break, ugh

I'd report him tbh

Is he meant to come around again? If not, say you want someone else.

Eww. That's a lot in 20 minutes! (does he even get much work done with that much chatting then rooting through stuff in your loft which has nothing to do with his job?). Why does he have a problem with seeing "ladies' things" in ladies' houses, does he really think he won't see people's stuff in people's houses?! "Picking up" knickers off the floor... why does he even need to touch them, if they're really in his way can't he tell the owner and get her to pick them up? Sounds like he just wants an excuse - any excuse - to talk about sex and related stuff. I wouldn't be happy with his behaviour either.

Obviously you're not unreasonable to feel
anything!

But I'm summing this up as a weirdo who didn't DO anything - I meet at least one a week.

Yes. Girls and women need to be able to be curt and shut situations down. It’s important that you model that for your DD, not following a tradesman around nodding while he goes on about women’s underwear.

I would put a bet there's history of sex-related offences there, whether it's a former convict or not of course we don't know, maybe not yet, maybe no DBS, maybe he hid the truth from the wider umbrella company he presumably works with, maybe he's seeking opportunities...I definitely have loud alarm bells ringing. I think you both need to pay attention to whether you ever see him again, especially near where you live, stay vigilant, stay away and report him.

@Estellaa I was thinking that too. Why did he need to go poking around in the loft a second time? But how would a camera pick up anything through a ceiling & loft door.
Creepy as hell to be rooting through the loft & it's contents

Check he hasn’t left any cameras.

Use this to spur you on to be more assertive with workers OP. "I'll pop back up to have a look" needs an immediate "No don't do that", for example. Going to knock on Dd door, needed you to jump in quickly and stop him. You'll be prepared for the next one.

Was he doing an Energy Performance Certificate (EPC) assessment? All EPC assessors have to be accredited through official schemes whether self employed or not. When you get your certificate through, there will be a section with contact details which says which scheme he’s with and how to contact them. You could complain to them as well as the estate agent.

This. Everything he's said and done is screaming predator at me. Don't allow him back in your home again.

He'd poke it through the ceiling, it would probably only need to be tiny.

You really need to report this to the estate agents. It's shocking behaviour on his part.

Look at the size of this hidden camera.

https://www.reddit.com/r/h3h3productions/comments/13wexre/i_found_a_hidden_camera_in_a_public_womens/

OK, that's scary!