To not get DS(3) to tidy his toys up?

[Springtimesunshinesun]

DS is 3, and is being quite challenging at the moment. He’s very well behaved at preschool and usually fine when out and about but at home can be quite defiant and difficult.

I know he enjoys helping to tidy at preschool and at groups we go to but at home I have to cajole and threaten and to be honest it takes so long I may as well do it myself.

So - should I stand firm or is this a pick your battles sort of moment?

I would heavily encourage you to try and replicate nursery. Use a song play it on your phone, race each other etc. it will help reset him. Children who are behaving challenging can benefit from routine, and having set patterns of activities.

Challenging behaviour can stem from so much but generally frustration is in the mix. Blasting a song focussing his mind on a race are all ways to break the cycle and reset. To be honest I find it works with 99.9% of children.

i think mine must be the 0.1%!

@Springtimesunshinesun possibly there has.to be the one,😂

Mine hated the idea of not winning me. How is their vocab can they communicate their challenges? Or is communication an issue. ?

I found it helpful remember at three they will change so much in such a small period. You know your child best, at one stage I resorted to playing loudish dance music in the morning because the eldest would get up to dance 😜

Another vote for pick your battles. We encouraged and made a game of tidying at 3 but the majority of the time he didn't do it and we let that go. DS is now 5 and a half and he loves having 'jobs' to do. For example, unloading the dishwasher (we don't put anything sharp in it it), putting a wash on, tidying, hoovering. He likes to know that it's an important job and he is really helping out (and he actually is!).

Meanwhile, getting into power struggles with a 3 year old on a regular basis is a sure fine way to escalate tensions. You can use age appropriate approaches and recognise when to back off a bit.

I used to do the game style tidying, or give a choice - which would you like to put away first? The blue car or the books?

It’s such a good technique but never been effective for my DS. I’ve used it at school though (teacher.)

I used to work in early years and the tactic which usually works best is very specific instructions "pick the book up, put it in the shelf" is much more effective than "tidy up the books". Also, making it a challenge "how much can we do before the end of this song" (there are a few tidy up songs on YouTube). Once the song is over tidy up time is finished even if it's not perfect. Every time there is an improvement give a small reward (or sticker on a star chart) so that he is encouraged to do it the same next time.

My advice would be to start as you mean to go on. If that means you don't want your child to clean up after themselves at home, and that works for you, then great. However, if you start at age 3 and they know that they can only play with one thing and then put it away before starting with something else, then that's ok too.

I wouldn't be hands off by any stretch even at age 3. Kids need to know to keep their play areas tidy and clean up after themselves.

Use a reward chart

I’d encourage him to help you tidy and if he joins in say thanks but if he doesn’t it’s not worth a fight. He’s only three, it’s a long game teaching these skills. I know from experience that some kids (including mine) are more open to learning and doing tasks by copying as opposed to being ordered.

He hasn’t been massively motivated by reward charts. I think it’s just not immediate enough and I’m not sure he understands the concept of when you get X no of stickers you get a reward.

I think it’s probably one of those things best shelved. As I don’t want to be in a constant negative cycle with him, which I fear I am right now.

With DS1 it pretty much depended what the house was like. If there was a couple of things out then I wouldn't fuss about it, if we'd made a train track stretching out the length of the room then it would be a joint effort, usually along the lines of "right, are you putting away the straights or the curves? Should we start with the trains?". Or minimal bribery "if we get this done quickly I think we'll have time for a book before I need to start tea." He seemed fine if I was also tidying, would throw a strop if he had to do it himself. Now at 5 he's pretty good at tidying up after himself.

At that age it ahould be a game - lets put the cars to their sleeping place/oh dear someone might get hurt standing on a car lets make it safe/don't want your favourite cars broken lets put them somewhere safe. Do it together, combine it with a race, or lets do this quickly then we can go to park/have a snack etc

never wait until it is an overwhelming mess, build the habits early.

it is definitely not too early to start introducing the concepts while still not saying tidy up.

My DS is 3. Sometimes (2 or 3 times a week) we put the Blippi vechicle music playlist on and he plays with and then tidies whatever vechicle toy is mentioned. I tidy other random bits and keep an eye on dinner while he does this.

agree with the posters saying tidy up song - we recently found out the song nursery use and our two year old has never been happier 😂😂 she’s been known to tip Lego onto the floor just to have the excuse to tidy up to the music!

@Springtimesunshinesun 😂every friend I have that is a teacher has had similar issues. It is like they are immune to parent teacher superpowers😂.

They all have come round now at age 8/9.

I'd do it casually. Leave it a few days then When you're tidying up hand him a toy and ask him to put it in the box. Anouther time ask him to do a couple. Also pick your days if he's really struggling don't bother

Oh god tell me about it. Class in a deprived area of eleven year olds, no problem. My own child who has been sang to, read to, loved and experienced the world since day dot, complete arse 😂

I think it depends on two things:

Does it matter to you? Is this something you want to teach him now or are you happy to wait til he's a little older?

And

In the list of toddler battles how much does this one matter to you really?

Different things matter to different people.
I feel strongly that picking up after yourself and looking after your belongings is important. I was brought up in a tiny flat, and we now live in a very small house. If there's mess it feels like it's 5 times the mess! We have to keep it organised and tidy.

My 2 and a half year old tidies up but there are a few things that make it easier.

-We do you rotation so there are never too many toys available at any given time anyway. It's quicker to tidy up. A 3 year old can't manage to tidy a huge jumbled mess of toys.
-Toys are organised in soft rope baskets by type. These baskets are easy for him to pull around himself and it's obvious where things go: cars, Duplo, soft toys, train tracks etc.
-Everything is at his level
-Nothing is over organised. The basket for vehicles is just any old vehicle. The basket for Duplo is for any kind of Duplo. It's no good being too particular about it, best keep it as simple as possible for them.

And most importantly I help him and give praise for any little help he gives. If the mess is too much I'll give him clear instructions "you put all the trains in the basket" and while he's slowly doing that I'll blitz everything else. Then big high fives at the end for "being so helpful."

You need to be consistent but he's good at tidying now. Knows to put the bath toys back in the net after his bath, knows we tidy all the toys away at the end of the day etc.

I think sometimes at this age it's too overwhelming a task. Think about when you're given a massive project at work and you don't know where to start. DS is 4.5 but at 3 he definitely needed a lot of help tidying, which in practice looked like him putting away about 10% of the toys and me putting away the other 90%. Usually with some gamification involved too. Oh, and I needed (still need) to verbalise "Here, I'll help you, we'll do it together!"
Now he still needs help if there's a lot to tidy or he's particularly tired / overstumulated but it's more in the form of "Can you put away 5 animals you'd find on a farm? Ok now 3 animals that are more than one colour..." etc until they're all tidied up.

I wound stand firm. Short term pain for long term gain. If you are consistent, he will learn that mummy is not going to give in. At the minute I’m assuming if he resists long enough, you just do it for him? I think age appropriate responsibility is a really good thing to encourage.

My dd is nearly 2 and has been tidying up her toys for ages (she copies her big brother). I would get him to do it but each to their own.

@Happiestathome exactly.

Pick your battles.

DS has recently admitted that he didn't even tidy up at nursery; he'd sneak off to the book corner and hide under the cushions until fun stuff resumed. I stood no chance at home!

He's an older child now and is expected to do things like loading/ unloading the dishwasher, and putting clothes away. He's no domestic god, but equally he doesn't leave devestation in his wake either and likes it when spaces have been tidied.