To reduce what I spend on them?

[GiftsIt]

I am single, no kids. Live alone. Autistic.

My older sibling is now married with three teen / young adult step children.

Prior to sibling getting married we would usually spend around £50 on each others birthday and around the same on Christmas.

The last two years after they married I continued this plus gave gifts for the four new members of our family. Last year I spent around £800 on birthdays / Christmas for them. I still receive the same as usual prior to the marriage.

This year all my bills have risen. I also feel my sibling and I have drifted apart a bit and am a bit pissed off at the lack of care and communication from them to our parents, especially when one of our parents has been seriously ill. They live an hour closer to our parents than I do but didn’t bother to travel there when our parent ended up in hospital. I took emergency leave and travelled 4 hours to stay with them and help. Sibling didn’t even bother to call or text for several days whilst parent was in hospital.

Given, we have drifted apart, I don’t really feel part of their new family and I have been spending a fortune on them and their family for two years WIBU to reduce what I’m spending on sibling and sibling-in-law’s birthdays this year, even though one of them is a ‘special’ birthday? I will still give the kids some money for their birthdays but maybe not as much?

Your money is yours to do what you want with. Do not feel guilty! My partner made a comment about not paying for my dogs (he doesn’t and never has) as they were here before him and he didn’t choose to have them. That quickly backfired when I said no problem I won’t be spending another penny on your children whom I didn’t choose to have. I’m saving myself £500+ a year and tbh it’s made me so happy. My money is mine to spend not on his kids. Do you girl! 💪🏼

That's too much money you are spending. Just give whatever you can afford/feel comfortable with.

Not unreasonable at all. You are the same as me. My brother has two kids, come Christmas I give presents to each of my parents, my brother, SIL and their kids and get a couples present back from my parents and a family present back from my brothers lot. I receive 2 gifts whilst I give out 6 and again spend close on £800, this pattern then carries on through the year.
I have to admit there is partially a transactional element- but it also was upsetting me seeing them all with stacks of gifts from their partners, kids, grandkids and watching them coo over how lucky and generous they are.
This year I stopped, a family gift for each (brother was furious mind) and spent the money on myself.

Love this!!!

Not unreasonable at all. To be honest I’m quite surprised you’ve done it that way up to now, in my wider family it is “the norm” that once you have kids the rest of us just buy for the kids, with a token gesture gift for the parents (think like box of chocolates or bottle of prosecco type thing) x

It’s not about too much money. It’s about discrepancy and being taken advantage of. I used to gift my brothers family much more than this over a year, but it became apparent when the kids would call me up and ask for contributions to school trips and things that it was all one sided. I didn’t even get a token gift from the kids at Christmas even though I’d paid for their school ski trip and riding lessons through the year.

It’s not about tit for tat, but you should feel appreciated. I could afford to spend the money, I was comfortable spending the money, I wasn’t comfortable being the sad one in the room not receiving gifts or appreciation back from my family. Gravy train is not in service anymore here.

I would suggest to your DSis that you both stop buying presents for adults. I give £20 per child for birthday and also Xmas. If you did the same this would be £120 spend in the year and I think is what most people tend to do.

Which then leaves the single person buying for all the kids and not receiving anything back. It puts you in an incredibly sad position on Christmas Day and birthdays.

We give 50-100 each and at other times a lot more. We dod this as we can afford it.

Trust me, if we felt that giving the ??? in cash was not affordable for whatever reason, we'd adjust it downwards. We try to give all of our children, GC and their OH's the same for adults and same for GC and different amounts at Christmas and birthdays unless its a flagship birht, eg, 18/21/30/35/40 etc which means larger amounts

We spend a lot on gifts at weddings and often us and our siblings give the same amounts. However, we would not hesitate to give less than the others if money was tight

OP, please put yourself first, I'm sure your family wont mind as they must be aware of your income and hyperinflation

I've never understood families who spend hundreds of pounds getting each other gifts as adults. We never have and just get small gifts for kids to give each other.

Just send a message to your family and explain financially that you are unable to do birthday/Christmas gifts and for them not to get you anything for yours.

I find it funny adult brothers and sisters give gifts to each other 😅 we never have. It can't be that unusual to all come to an agreement to save money for the important things in life...like feeding your children!

Xx

A further suggestion I just remembered. I have a sizeable family and Xmas was sooo expensive. We have now agreed to do secret Santa and we buy for 1 person and have a £40 - £50 limit. That way everyone gets a gift, we spend a good amount so it’s not just a false thank you and smile then to the bin. Maybe you could suggest that to your family?

I stopped buying for the extended family when I realised that I was buying for four people in one sibling’s family and seven people in the other, to our three. They had eight adults amongst them - six of whom couldn’t even be bothered to send a separate card back in return, and the gifts for my two children were either completely age inappropriate (too small clothing, toys way too young for them or obviously regifted sets from Boots 3 for 2b when they were young teenagers). I now just send cards, and spend the money saved on myself and my two daughters.

£800 is a lot to spend, per year

Do the people that you spend money on send you a thank you message ?

I would continue to spend on your sibling

However, I would reduce the amount you spend on others

Can you spend time with them instead of money ?

I stop spending on the children after they hit 18.

Just send a card....
They sound grabby.