AIBU or naive rather to continue my relationship with my 'pathological liar' boyfriend?

[Benji92]

I posted here last week after my therapist called my boyfriend a pathological liar.

During our relationship of just over a year, he lied to me about saveral things such as his weight, salary and address. He even faked a house move instead of coming clean when he realised he wanted more with me.

Some of you told me to drop my therapist thinking she was highly suggestive, and all of you told me to ditch the boyfriend.

I confronted my boyfriend with the intention of breaking up at the weekend.

He promised me he will be fully transparent going forward and he will start therapy again as soon as he sorts his finances to break this lying habit. He'd previously admitted to lie out of worry as his mother used to lash out physically when he said something she didn't want to hear.

Am I being naive to think I can be his safe space? My reasons are:

• This is my soft spot. I grew up with a similar, violent mother. It definitely caused me some behavioural issues. I empathise with his reasons to start lying. I'd also feel so bad if someone dropped me for something I do due to my upbringing.
• Everything else is beautiful. I do know normally if there's a big rotten part in a relationship, the rest follows. But this is the best relationship I had and I'm in my 30s.
• I believe people can change.

Today I also have therapy. I will read your comments and see what my therapist says to make a decision.

You are not rehab for a dysfunctional man.

You clearly have your own issues and the very last thing you need is someone who can't even tell you the truth.

You didn't like what you heard from the therapist.

Maybe try a different therapist but I think you'll find they say the same thing.

If his mother used to lash out at him when he says anything she did not want to hear he has been very thoroughly conditioned to lie rather than upset people.

You might be able to help him work through that but he will need therapy and a determination to work on it himself.

You deciding that you want to be his safe space won't make a significant difference. It will still take a long time and have many bumps in the road.

Ime liars just get better at it and the lies become more elaborate.. My ex once had a go about liars (in general) having to have a good memeroy... He actually dropped himself in it a while later I I threw him out. Big lie=
Divorced..

He's still lying. He won't change. His promises are just lies you want to hear.

You'd be a massive mug. You don't even know if the stuff about his mum is true. It's probably just a lie to make you feel sorry for him.

Ditch him.

Oh god, don't be his safe space! You're probably mistaking familiarity for compatability if you're from similar, difficult backgrounds. Run, OP.

"This is my soft spot. I grew up with a similar, violent mother. It definitely caused me some behavioural issues. I empathise with his reasons to start lying. I'd also feel so bad if someone dropped me for something I do due to my upbringing."

Oh, he knows this! Maybe not conciously, but at some level he is using this to manipulate you. I would run.

Choose a man that makes you happy , and secure not someone where you can be their safe space .
You need a strong partner if you need therapy yourself .

No good comes from trying to ‘fix’ a man.

You can't fix him. That's a job he needs to do himself.

Nope. He needs a fresh start. Let him learn that actually the people he lies to have needs as well. If you become his safe space, your needs will come second to his every time.

Do you have the flaw of being a rescuer?

Yes, the obvious question is “how can you be sure he is telling the truth now?”

Am I right in thinking you're in your 30s wanting children? Just move on and keep looking. You don't want to be stuck raising children with a bullshitter. Lying about a house move is at the fairly extreme end of pointless lies. If what he says is true it will take a hell of a lot to break this habit and how will you know when to trust him? Put your own needs first.

You're doing that whole "I can be the one to fix him" thing. It doesn't work.

I posted on your other thread but can’t find my post.

I used to him. I used to tell little white lies, and not so little, all the time. My upbringing was dysfunctional, and my parents lied to each other all the time, and got us to lie to the other parent to support them. So lying and hiding was the norm. In fact, to this day my mum tells me to hide certain things from my husband, and often lies to my dad about the most random things.

On top of that, my parents were super strict and wouldn’t allow me to even speak to boys as friends. So, even just having male friends included lying. And then dating, and having one alcoholic drink needed lying. And so on.

In short, my upbringing meant lying wasn’t a big deal for me and just something to make life easier.

I then met my husband who feels very very differently about lying. He helped me to see even little white lies are lies, and how important honesty is to him. In short, I’ve massively changed. It wasn’t even that he needed to actively teach me, but it was being with someone who I deeply cared about who showed me how important something was.

Your therapist has immediately demonised him, rather than using her so called professional experience to understand that it’s not as simple as being a bad person. That’s why your therapist isn’t a good one.

If you’re in your 30s and he can’t afford therapy - move on. This may be controversial, but if someone can’t a) get themselves at least on a waiting list with their GP, and/or b) pay £40-£60 a week to fix a hugely problematic situation then they aren’t financially or otherwise fit.

There are many women out there who are stuck, financially abused and trapped and can’t afford therapy. That, I can understand. But a single man in his 30s is not someone to build a future with if he doesn’t prioritise his mental health and address being a pathological liar.

Thats aside from my opinion that the both of you have complex issues from childhood that have connected in a way that will be detrimental to you in the long run. Your childhood trauma wound is vulnerable to his behaviour. Move on, save yourself a lifetime of trauma from living in confusion and bullshit.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that the way he has been able to own up and discuss it shows a level of self-understanding and reflection that is promising. I agree that you shouldn't be his safe space or get with someone with the intention of 'fixing' them but I don't think that means that you can't continue a relationship. I think that it is his issue to solve, not yours, and so if you do continue with him then you should proceed on that basis. He needs to work on himself, you can be supportive without being the support or crutch.

I used to be close friends with a pathological liar. This girl used to tell next level lies that were out of this world. I ended our friendship as a result of the lies however we still have infrequent contact through family and social media and many years later she has sought help and settled down and appears to have moved past that. My brother also has a close friend who told crazy lies for years until it caught up with him, this led to an experience that completely changed him and he is now very different (and very lovely).
Both of these people had had difficulties in childhood that hugely affected their self-esteem and lying formed part of their coping mechanisms but they both have been able to address this.

So I think there is hope but I think you need to make sure that you are not the one doing the work or fixing, you can be understanding but you shouldn't be the one to find the solution, it's his problem to solve.

You can't fix him

He needs to work on himself before he has a relationship, not the other way round.

It is very rare for someone who has lied in such a big way to change.

As I said in other thread - you need to trust the other person so you can have a healthy relationship, you can never trust a liar. Your relationship is doomed.

Are you really so desperate as to burden yourself by being a "safe space" for a chronically untruthful, dysfunctional man?

Fucking hell, raise the bar.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that I might give it a go if I was you and really cared about him. Everyone has some “issue” to deal with and if you feel that this isn’t an immediate deal breaker for you you could give it a go. However I would set 2 conditions.

1. don’t be his “safe space” and try to fix him. That will never work.
2. set a timer.

I grew up with a volatile mother who lashed out all the time. I became very secretive and would lie to avoid her screaming, hitting me or smashing up my belongings. I wasn't really one for making stuff up out of the blue but I lied frequently because the smallest thing could set her off. Even now, in my 30s, my immediate reaction is still to lie when I feel like I've been caught out, no matter the situation.

While my DH has played a big part by impressing upon me the importance of honesty in a relationship, it was never his issue to fix and he certainly wasn't obligated to stay with me. The lying is basically a trauma response and changing that behaviour is something your BF needs to commit to practicing every day.

Who will be your space while you’re fixing this broken person?

What is he doing to fix himself?

Hmm, my thoughts are how could you ever trust him? He lies about fairly inconsequential issues like his weight which are easy to disprove. I could never trust him when it comes to finances, debt, fidelity.

Another thought is you say your upbringing with your mother is a weak point for you. Does he know this? He could be manipulating you by saying he lies because of his upbringing.

It is not your job to fix him. Let him fix himself and then see if he comes back to you.

Sadly, if offering safety was all it took, I’d be out of a job (I’m a therapist). The problem is that if we’ve no idea what safety feels like or what to do with it when we get it, we’re liable to feel paradoxically confused, threatened and liable to retreat further into entrenched patterns of behaviour if given safety (or any need that has not been met early in life). Can your chap change? Potentially, yes, of course he can. However, that would take a lot of work with a therapist who is trained and supported to accept the many challenges and setbacks of working with someone for whom lies are a trauma response and a coping strategy. You can’t be that person. If you are determined to give the relationship a chance, I’d suggest really clear boundaries and a healthy amount of distance. He will carry on lying to you - especially if he feels cornered in any way - and he may well experience the mildest challenge as being cornered.

I’m curious about you and your therapist. I’d encourage you to tell her how the ‘pathological liar’ statement landed for you. It seems to have left you feeling disconcerted but as if you’re now positioned as defending your partner and justifying your relationship with him to your therapist. A good therapist will talk to you about this and will acknowledge it if their own feelings and history have got in the way of the work with you.