To cut contact with DC father

[lemonorangeU]

DC father has not seen them since early January and refuses to arrange a time to see them. He has done this several times through their life - despite my best efforts to facilitate contact and a relationship. It’s incredibly stressful and unpleasant for me - each week, he will say he will see DC that week, then refuse to agree on a day and the week passes with no contact.

He doesn’t pay towards them currently (self employed to avoid maintenance payments and lies about income), and with the lack of contact I just want him to fuck off entirely. He’s really unpleasant to interact with, most recently he told me it’s my fault he has no contact at the moment because he’s showing me he ‘won’t take my shit anymore’ (aka, expecting him to stick to a contact arrangement).

I’m exhausted and want to send him a message saying I no longer want to be in contact as he is refusing to see DC so there is no need. Then block him everywhere. Would this be an overreaction? I just want him out of our lives, he adds nothing and is causing stress by insisting to stay in touch while totally refusing to do any parenting.

If you voted your reasons would be really helpful. I’m not sure what my alternative is or if I am expected to entertain this horrible dynamic for the entirety of DC’s childhood.

How old are the kids? I think this is important as it massively depends on how they feel, what you tell them etc but in general terms I'd say don't cut him off, don't block, just don't initiate. Leave it to him to approach for contact and he most likely won't. Alternatively send a message saying you need to establish regular times for practical reasons. You suggest x,y,z or could he please say which day suits him but those are fixed. Then you and the kids get on with your lives.

6 and 7. They don’t seem to give much of a shit because he’s never really been consistent. They don’t enjoy spending time with him as he is impatient and not much fun.

Occasionally theyll talk about him or ask about him, but not often.

your advice re leaving the door open makes sense - its just really frustrating for me because I feel like I’m ‘allowing’ him to walk in and out of their lives with no real boundaries or expectations.

I think the age of the kids is key point.

Personally I wouldn’t be going out of my way to contact him to offer contact but I wouldn’t block him either as that could be used against you. Don’t respond to anything other than contact arrangements.

Thanks.

I think I might send a message along these lines -

Good morning.

You said you would be seeing DC last week, which did not end up happening. This has happened since the start of January so ad hoc contact clearly isn’t working.

I will leave DC Thursday and Friday afternoons free for now for contact. If you have a schedule which works better for you we can discuss this. Please confirm contact the day before these times, so I know to keep them free or not. If we don’t hear anything from you, I’ll assume you aren’t going to come.

Does that sound ok?

No.I wouldn't block him its not fair on the children
You don't have to go out of your way to contact him but keep the door open
And let him contact you

It just makes me so angry that I’m struggling on a day to day basis raising our kids alone, while he thinks he can swan in and out of their lives at his convenience.

I would send him 1 message stating the children are available for him to spend time with at x day/weekend and every 2/3week. At 10 am for him to collect. You will make other plans if he has not collected by 11 am (obviously make timing something that suits you) If this doesn't suit him he needs to take this to mediation. You will not going forward engage in negotiations until he has shown a consistent and regular pattern with the children.

Then I would get a new phone number and only communicate with him via this. Block everywhere else. Only.check that every 3 days or so.

Keep a diary of when he does collect the children. And when he doesn't.
If he ever does take this to court you have shown a child lead focus but also placed boundaries. Will look better on you than him.

Don’t send that message.

Just stop engaging. If he says he’ll come for them Friday at 4, then assume that will happen. Don’t tell the kids. If he comes it’s a surprise. If he doesn’t, have something ready to fill the gap.

Rinse and repeat.

When he sees he isn’t inconveniencing or upsetting anyone he’ll either step up or stop bothering. No need for you to do anything.

Don't offer room for negotiation that's what he wants he wants to cotrol the proceedings.

This is when the children will be available. If not collected within 1 hour you will make other arrangements.

Make him do the work. Don't so it for him

I just wouldn’t bother contacting, if he really wanted to see them, he would. Keep screenshots of messages of him cancelling in case you need them in future. My DH parents split up when he was young, his Mum told his Dad if he ever let him down, then that would be it, he turned up a few times, then twice he let him down. So from the age of 5 he never saw him again, despite living in same town. They had a big family that they lived with, so he doesn’t feel he’s missed out on anything. We’ve spoken about it and he says if he wanted to see me, he had the chance, his loss.

I’ve blocked my abusive ex ( Childs father ), because he tells me to F off if I ask for anything / remind him of what he offered to do etc . He does see dc but we can’t have any contact . I think in terms of court they start at 50 /50 no matter what so doubt there’s much you can do if he did go to court . Is he really going to want to go to court ? As other posters have alluded .

Maybe just keep one line of communication open , but I wouldn’t engage much with him. I don’t think you have to do much but offer the contact, even if you offer less and less . What else’s can you do ?

Don't send him the message. Just do it. Just let it lapse.

Google Grey Rock - it's a sanity saver.

Court only starts at 50/50 if both parents want that and can demonstrate sustained and consistent interest ..which this guy clearly isn't doing. Provided the op can show clear evidence through texts etc she really does not have to worry about that. OP I would also open a case with CMS even if you have no hope if it working. Again, paper trail.

Thank you, this is really helpful. Just the sort of calm and measured approach I’m struggling to come up with at the moment.

i actually have a spare phone so will pop a sim in it today and do that

I’m sorry but I’ve been in your exact situation and dealt with this for years!

we had to go through court and everything due to my sons dad not being consistent and just turning up when he felt like it.

I actually don’t agree with the posters saying to just “let him turn up and leave it as a surprise”

my sons dad took me to court, he had every opportunity to see our son, but because of police advice (due to harassment at the start) they suggested we use a third party to communicate through.. before court (hence why it went to court) he didn’t show up for our son, he was often 3 hours late! He’d text me or phone my mum to say that he couldn’t make it.. this happened alot of the time and causes serious anxiety for my son. He started hiding behind the sofa and getting upset.

so in the end I suggested mediation and court, he applied for mediation and I sent over all my contact details just to make sure he had them.. he put down my husbands friends number! So I never knew anything about the mediation appointment! (He got caught about this in court and safe to say they weren’t impressed with him).

it’s now 5yrs down the line, he pays nothing for him and hasn’t seen him. Not through my choice, he didn’t stick to the court order, our son suffered with severe anxiety due to me trying to get them to have a relationship, the lack of stability really affected our son.

At this point I would say to him that there needs to be a suitable and stable routine going forward for your child, be firm and say if he isn’t going to come up with a suitable arrangement (put your idea’s forward to him I.e set days and times for pick up and drop off and where this will happen) that it would need to go through mediation and then if he doesn’t attend this or doesn’t stick to the arrangement made by mediation (if he keeps just not bothering) I would suggest a court order may be more beneficial as it’s legally binding.

as a solicitor said to me, you can’t force someone to have contact if they don’t want to put the effort in..

What you feel like doing is exactly what he wants.

He wants to walk away with no responsibilities and blame you for blocking or limiting contact/ communications.

He’s trying to get you to block him or limit communication ( understandable , but don’t play into his hands).

Keep door open, Still communicate but to a bare minimum.

Dont try to arrange anything .

Leave it all up to him, knowing very well he’s not going to arrange anything as he’s a lying piece of shit.

When he says I’d like to see kids this week. Say “OK I’ll leave it up to you to let us know. “. Then expect nothing as usual as he clearly not want contact shown by his fucked up absent father arseholiness previously.

Don’t give him any power whatsoever to blame you for limiting communication or contact days.
Keep the door open, pretend you’re expecting him to suggest contact days that he keeps, knowing that he won’t as he’s a waste of space.

I wouldn't send that message; it's giving him the opportunity to keep messing the DC about.

If you have to, I'd let him know that if he would like to see them, he needs to give at least a week's notice. Leaving it to the day before isn't fair on your DC.

I'd then continue enjoying life, and if he chooses to engage, fine, if not, it's his loss.

Perfect.

I wouldn't say anything. I wouldn't engage in any way with him.
Keep one line of communication open and close everything else but don't tell him. When he comes to you for contact if it suits you agree if you've plans don't.
My ex husband did something similar and although my children were a bit older I haven't spoken to him now in 6 years. I never replied to the last email he sent as it would have achieved nothing. Mine now see their dad in birthdays and the odd Sunday afternoon when it suits them. He will be enjoying watching you upset about lack of contact with them so don't feed it for him. I fell into that trap and he enjoyed seeing me more upset than his own children

‘To ex,

I have been trying to facilitate contact between you and our children since January. As you have failed to maintain your contact time, I will no longer be making these set arrangements with you. It is unfair to our children to constantly be let down last minute as you change your mind or rearrange. If you wish to have the children for future contact time, it will be on you to arrange and stick to these arrangements. This is not for my benefit but to avoid more emotional distress from the lack of interest you have shown, never mind the lack of financial support you have given for your own children. Any future responses will be in regards to your contact arrangements alone.’

Keep a copy/screenshot of every conversations just in case he decides to say that you’ve cut contact.

Don't message him, he'll use it to blame you for lack of contact. Just stop engaging.

Please ensure all communication is in writing and saved, so you have a paper or electronic trail. Nothing verbal - if you cannot see it or produce it in court then it did not happen. Just in case - cya.

I only asked for 1 week's notice (to facilitate contact) - my solicitor upped it to 2 weeks (and even then was a bit worried it wasn't enough notice), and only with the agreement of the children (not that I would unreasonably withhold them)