To feel a bit aggrieved?

[Ethnography]

DM arranged with her sister (kinda long lost, they haven't spoken for over a decade, but made up recently) that the three of us would go out for mine & her sister's birthdays tomorrow - on what was their mother's and my grandmother's birthday.

DParents turn up yesterday (Sunday) at 9am unannounced. I come downstairs to find them in my kitchen. I get given a card and then DM casually tells me that DF will be coming along on Tuesday now as they "have to go to the solicitor first and it saves us making two trips."

I didn't think quickly enough at the time as DF starts having a go at me about power washing my flagstones as it does them no good taking the surface off (this sort of thing happens a lot). I'm now thinking I don't want to go. It's not about my birthday is it? And I really cannot be bothered having to watch what comes out my mouth so DF doesn't shout me down or go "well it's not that is it?" every time I voice my opinion about anything.

Do I sound like I'm 12? I'm not, I'm 42 today. Happy to be told to get over myself!

You're aggrieved that your Dad is coming to celebrate your birthday and came round to bring you a card on your birthday?
Sounds awful!!

@Mumof2teens79 Fair point 👍

Are they only allowed to come out for your birthday providing it's the sole reason they have left the house?

Does he have form for constantly and loudly patronising you? If so, I understand why you wouldn't want him to be there - you won't enjoy it.

DF telling me he'd come to save himself a double drive wouldn't bother me,, but then he would be invited anyway.

If you would not normally spend time with your dad then it us wrong if mum to spring this on you. Otherwise it is fairly normal to invite dad along especially if solicitors in same area.

Well, he isn't coming to celebrate her birthday is he? He's coming to tell her what to do with her own home.

Why come on to post just to be unkind? OP was clearly looking forward to a nice lunch with her mum but now is disappointed and not looking forward to it because her dad has been added on and will be unkind to her and spoil her enjoyment of the trip. That's sad, and I'm sorry it's happened OP.

Just think, one day your father will be dead. And when he dies, you will either be relieved and feel free of him (and you can spend your birthday knowing that day is fast coming and not let him bother you, because you know that dealing with his bullshit isn’t forever) or you will be devastated when your father dies, and you can spend your birthday appreciating he’s still around for now. Either way, just keep in mind one day he will be dead, and these birthdays won’t last forever.

It's your birthday, so do what you want.
Hope you have a lovely day when it comes!

Slightly dramatic

We can't tiptoe around people, and excuse their behaviour, just because one day they'll cark it.

It is impossible to be slightly dramatic.

What about slightly pedantic and annoying?

It's certainly possible to be extremely insensitive and rather mawkish.

As it was clearly no one’s intention for your father to be at the lunch, including his and the only reason for him joining in now is for a practical time/petrol saving reason I would feign illness on the day.

If he hadn’t wanted to go when it was first organised he might be relieved. You’ll be relieved and you can arrange lunch with your mum another day.

I rarely fake illness to get out of something but on rare occasions it really is expedient thing to do

Please leave me alone.

I am confused. He is coming to the lunch. But you are annoyed.

Are you annoyed he is coming or that he is coming and doing other things while he is out?

I've had that shit pulled on me over an abusive parent, @TrainsPlanesAutos, and I will reject it when I see it directed at someone else.

If you are grieving, I'm sorry, but projecting onto someone else's situation doesn't help anyone.

Can you please leave me alone or do I have to ask you 3 times?

Is the problem that you want to enjoy the meal out but don't want your father there? Or isn't that you've been roped into going out when you don't want to?

If the former, I don't think you can reasonably prevent your father from joining you so I would try to sit furthest from him at the table and focus your conversation on your mum and aunt. If he does have a go at you, declare that as it's your birthday celebration no one is allowed to argue with you so he should hold off until the next day - try to turn it into a joke to keep the mood light.

If the latter, well just don't go! This event is obviously not about you, it's about your mum reconnecting with her long lost sister. Just skip it, lie if you need to - covid or diarrhoea!

Going forward, try to build up some self resilience. Perhaps look for some courses in self confidence and/or communication in conflict. If you go through the rest of life unable to hold your own space against your father then life will be pretty stressful.

p.s. happy birthday!!

Your issue isn’t really your birthday lunch is it? It’s being browbeaten and spoken over/down to. The fact that he will be dead one day does not mean that you endure another 20 years (at least) of your life being treated in this way. Honestly, as offspring of a parent who acted in a similar way, the only avenue is either to push back each time (I didnt ask for/don’t want your input) and/or reduce contact. Maybe look at exploring ‘Overbearing parentsk. I don’t actually know that that is what it is but it helped me to try and understand the behaviour.

People always say this on here to guilt others into spending time with parents who are not very nice to them. The OP has every right to spend her birthday doing what she wants and what was already planned. What she doesn’t want is her mum adding her dad into an outing that was meant to be just her, her mum and her aunt, because he always shouts her down or tells her she’s wrong. Yes, one day he’ll be dead. That doesn’t mean she’s obliged to let him spoil her birthday.

True, dealing with his bullshit isn’t forever, but that’s no reason to tolerate it. He doesn’t have a god-given right to bully his daughter. She could have 10 or 20 or 30 years of putting up with him. If he wants to see her he could try treating her decently.

I think the birthday thing is fine so wouldn't fuss about that.

I think constant criticism needs tackling (another time) either through a sensible conversation such as "I love you Dad but I hate how often you criticise my actions or choices". Or through humour "when I was growing up you told me when I paid for stuff I could do what I liked; well I paid for the flag stones so..."

I don't think it was unreasonable for your DM to invite your DF along but from how you describe his behaviour I don't blame you for not looking forward to it. I'd be tempted to pull a sickie and not feel bad.

There’s a pattern here
come to the stately homes thread on the relationships board
also see the don’t rock the boat analogy