To hate birthdays

[lunkitsmum]

My birthday is coming up, I hate it so much! Without being too wallowy at 45 I’ve never had a happy one to look back on with fond memories. My mum didn’t celebrate birthdays my husband of over 25 years has never even taken me out for dinner on my birthday and his past presents have included a tin of biscuits(he is a nice person but not very thoughtful). I wish there was a way to just avoid the whole thing…I dread people asking if I had a good one or if I’m doing anything special I’m usually a really upbeat person but find it all SO depressing. Can’t really just go off on my own as I have work and children. Can anyone relate? Any suggestions on how to avoid the whole thing without sounding utterly miserable would be welcome.

It's unfair that other people have cast a shadow on your special day. Why don't you take the lead a book a meal out? With DH and kids?

Can you take a day's annual leave and spend it just doing things that you enjoy? Go for a walk somewhere really nice, watch a film you've been wanting to see for ages, make yourself/order a lovely lunch...whatever it is that you like to do.
Don't expect anyone to join so suit yourself and no-one else.

I hate it. I just refuse to acknowledge it. Gradually reduced the number of people who even know the date. Was very clear with DH from the beginning that when I said I wanted nothing I didn't mean I secretly wanted something.

Had to be very direct with in-laws who ignored me for a few years that I really, really meant that I loathe it and if they continued to ignore my requests to not mark it they were really upsetting me.

Will be 45 this year. I think this will be the 6th year in a row I've been fully relaxed knowing that only a tiny number of people know the date and all of them know to ignore it. I get one or two cards that I politely acknowledge, no presents. It's bloody lovely and putting my foot down was the best thing I ever did about it.

Same. I don’t know why but my birthday has always been sidelined by everyone, school, college, uni, work, friends… but then I’ve been expected to acknowledge everyone else’s. Somehow there is an idea that I didn’t care so everyone ignored it. (Except DH. Although for years he kept trying to make my birthday about his mother ‘we should go to my mums for your birthday’ kinda thing NOPE).
It wasn’t true, I don’t now, especially as I’ve stopped acknowledging other peoples who have always ignored mine. I wish it would just disappear now.
people are still annoyed if you ignore theirs after them always ignoring yours as well!

How old are your kids? Are they still very young or have they already noticed that their birthdays and dad’s birthday get properly celebrated but no one does shit for mom? I wouldn’t want my kids seeing that is an acceptable way to treat you. Tell your husband to do better for the sake of setting an example for his kids. I don’t think you want no birthday, I think you want a proper one.

Thanks for the replies, I do appreciate it, its a relief to vent because i'd feel like an idiot saying all this to someone in real life. Ive always struggled with a sad feeling around birthdays. I did try and arrange things in the past but they never seemed to materialise, no money when we were young, illness, too busy with work no babysitter etc and after covid I just started wanting to forget it was even happening. I have tried before to have a solo day but I hated it tbh, I felt sad and lonely. My closest friends and I all have birthdays within a few months, so we tend to all get together somewhere in the middle as a group birthday celebration. Chat seems to be all about the lovely things people who care about them have done on their birthdays. I think maybe I shouldn't be making excuses for my husband. Yes he isn't a mean person but actually its deeply unkind to never have bothered with your persons birthday, even if they do seem down, he knows it has upset me in the past and has still never made an effort. starting to wonder if I need to have a chat with a counsellor about some childhood trauma etc and how it makes me feel around birthdays, I can't tell you how miserable my birthday week makes me when usually I promise I am a very sunny optimistic person.

Whether it's reasonable or not- I HAAAAAATE my birthday! The words 'happy birthday' to me are like a spider to a spider-phobic. It's not, in my case, that I've never had a 'proper' one; it's that I don't want to have one at all. To me, the only good birthday is no birthday at all! Can't stand the whole concept of a Special Day focused on my new age; I'd much rather forget it. Partly due to anxiety about ageing, illness and ultimately death; but mainly it goes back to childhood, and having co-ordination disabilities which were sometimes misinterpreted as 'babyishness' and being challenged about 'why can't you do X at your age?' And if people won't accept my wish to avoid my birthday, and put pressure on me about it, it makes my birthday-hatred worse. Fortunately, my close friends and family do accept it, and I have learned to keep the date secret from everyone else, so that they can't hassle me about it. (I am happy to celebrate other people's birthdays.)

It sounds as though you are more ambivalent about birthdays than I am. I wonder whether your husband is simply thoughtless, or whether he has picked up on your ambivalence, and perhaps thinks wrongly that you are, well, like me! I would make it clear to him what you want, whether it's a 'proper' birthday, or no birthday but more of a celebration on some other occasion such as Mother's Day, or just more appreciation every day. If he doesn't respect your wishes after that, then he is thoughtless at best.

If you hate birthdays because you hate the fact you don't do anything, then I think YABU.
You are an adult.
You are able to decide what to do.
You say your dh didn't take you out, but you can say "Let's go out for my birthday" and book it, or go spontaneously.
You've had years where you could have started traditions for what happens in your house - homemade cake and a 'party tea' for everyone's birthday. Bring your dc up with that tradition even if it hadn't been your dh's tradition before meeting you.

It doesn't have to be expensive things. We had no spare money for years, but always made birthdays special.

I started to enjoy my birthdays when I started spoiling myself. Growing up with a narc mother she always had a way of taking any fun out of my birthday, add the beginning of winter I was always ill. Ex BFs & H never gave a shit. One day I was visiting friends for my birthday and saw a stunning mirror in an antique shop so bought it myself, it was the first time I ever bought something just because I wanted it. It was also the first time I started buying myself birthday presents, that’s almost 20 years ago and I still treat myself every year.

Now I’m happily married and have DCs who buy me things but actually don’t buy me things I like, I have an abundance of mugs and baggy unflattering T-shirts. Yesterday I sent my DH 3 pictures of what I want my DCs to get me for Mother’s Day. For my birthday I ordered my perfume that DH gave me, Christmas I got a stunning watch that was completely an indulgence purchase.

We don’t have a lot of money, everything I buy has to be justified for me, so I preplan so I don’t miss out I may buy in advance or put money aside, but I make sure I get something that is considered an indulgence for me.

Some people might see it as not the same buying for myself but I don’t care, my DH never has an issue with me spending the money and is kind of relived he can’t mess up.