Husband not paying attention to kids in the bath

[WhoSaidWhat123]

While I was stripping the beds to put on clean sheets my husband was in charge of bath time. 11 month old and 6 yo in the bath and when I walk in to put the sheets in the laundry basket he’s scrolling on facebook not paying attention to the girls. AIBU to be so mad?

fyi it makes me SO mad because it’s just another thing he does that annoys me. He would leave them alone in the bath (only for less than a minute) to grab a towel before and I got so mad because imo 6yo is basically responsible for her baby sister. And if anything ever happened it would be with her for the rest of her life. And there’s lots of other little things. But it’s like a long list of little things where he just likes to zone out of being responsible for anyone. And then if I call him up on it there’s always an excuse. “I was only on it for 2 minutes” bla bla bla.

And if I get mad I’m made out be unreasonable because it was only “just” this or that.

I am beyond frustrated and just sick of it all 😭

weaponized incompetence... means he gets out of doing activities that are his responsibility in favour of "zoning out". Don't let him start on that path, don't let him get away with it. He's a father, he needs to grow up and act like one, not be another child that needs supervision. You're meant to be a team... not the only adult in the house.

To be fair I scroll on my phone at bath time. So I wouldn’t be worried about that.
shouldn’t be nipping out for anything with an 11 month old.

I get very annoyed when dh scrolls on his phone when he is meant to look after the kids but to be honest I am not sure it's worse because they are in the bath. On the contrary they were probably having fun playing with each other.

Were they sitting down or standing? Were they playing?

I assume he was in the bathroom with them and would have noticed if the younger one slipped (which is difficult to avoid even when you are watching them like a hawk) or got up or both of them got up to any unsafe antics. And the 6 year old would surely alert him to anything obviously worrying like her little sibling going under.

Similarly, I don't think it's that crazy to leave an 11 month old with a 6 year old for less than a minute to grab a towel.

YABU. He’s there in the room with them, and even popping to get a towel is fine. It’s not helpful to see your parenting as gold standard, and criticise him.

DH is the type that if he’s watching or reading something on his phone he wouldn’t have a clue what was going on around him. On a daily basis eldest DD will say something to him when he’s scrolling and she’ll repeat 3 times until I have to tell him DD is talking to him! So maybe that’s why I’m so annoyed when he doesn’t pay attention to them when they’re in the bath.

He needs to stop scrolling when in charge of the baby

I don’t think popping out for a towel with an 11mo in the bath is fine at all. It takes seconds to drown. I’d also be mad OP

The adult does not leave the room with an 11 month year old. The adult must supervise the 11 month year old with their eyes unless they are partially sighted or unable to see then the assistance aid must be functioning.

I think it's a bit sad that he is scrolling his phone during bathtime. He should put his phone away and engage with his children.

I say that as someone who is terribly addicted to their phone. I love a good scroll but with my son I keep it to times when we're having a bit of chill time in front of some cartoons and having a wee cuddle on the couch.

He's relaxing to a bit of Postman Pat for a wee hour and I'm relaxing and chatting to friends/family and scrolling. Otherwise it needs to be put away: bathtime, meal times, when playing with him etc.

@WhoSaidWhat123 this sounds like the real problem OP - if he’s addicted to scrolling to the extent he regularly ignores his own child(ren) whether in the bath or not, that’s not ok.
I don’t think a one of little scroll during bath time would bother me but constantly scrolling during family time is not ok.

Just the scrolling in front of the kids annoys me... Because he'll get annoyed when they are older following his lead constantly scrolling some innate content. Not a good example and also agree re being careful not to make the 6 year old feel responsible for baby consciously or not.

Bath time should be a time when you are fully present! People who are drowning make no noise - especially a baby.

If he is in the bathroom, I wouldn't have any issue with being on his phone whilst they are playing happily in the bath.
You are underestimating the instinct that kicks in if the baby slips under the water.
YABU.

@NewName24

is it worth risking to see if “instinct” kicks in?

I’ve saved my DD from swallowing a 5p that fell out of DH’s pocket before by shouting at him while he was lying on the floor “just checking emails” next to DD (maybe 7m at the time), while I was cooking in the kitchen, thankfully open plan so I can keep an eye on little ones.

I don’t know if you can be so sure that we all have this instinct. To me it’s not worth the risk in finding out.

He sounds absolutely useless. Your life would be a lot less stressful if he weren't in it.

Maybe he should be changing the sheets on the bed instead. Less fun but less to go wrong.

Don't leave him alone with your kids he sounds dangerous

@Yourethebeerthief

I do tend to spend too much time on my phone, but same as you, it’s either when the girls are in bed (and then spend a ridiculous amount of time doom scrolling because I don’t know what else to do when I’m alone and everything is done!), or when eldest DD is happy watching some tv before bed time. But it is sad that DH doesn’t see it as an issue of ALWAYS being on his phone around the girls. Of course not always always, but very often he is doom scrolling when he’s “playing” or sometimes during meal
times, or bath time obviously!

I’m always on my phone during bath time and my kids are 1&2. He shouldn’t be leaving the children alone in the bath at that age anyway. Sounds like this is all apart of a bigger problem though

@solarised it is sad to think, but I am constantly having to be hyper vigilant. There’s been so many questionable things he’s done, or not done specifically, which could have so easily turned out bad. Yes an accident probably but 100% avoidable.

Out of interest, how many babies have you seen drown?

@Aquamarine1029 I think he’s starting to see that because I am starting to get very, very tired of it all. It’s so exhausting. And the arguments aren’t healthy either. Not a nice situation for little ones to be growing up in. He is otherwise a good dad and a good husband, BUT there is just so many little things that tire me out, and that might end up causing a horrible accident for someone one day.

Imagine being so lazy that it endangers your own children 😟.

I also think it's really sad that he is on his phone so much when meant to be watching them, just because it's a really sad message he is giving them. ie uninterested.

I don't blame you for getting cross. Is he pretty rubbish generally? Can you try to get through to him that parenting does involve sacrifice and work??

@Chamomileteaplease he is up and down. There are times where he is very, very lazy. I will have a breakdown because I’m struggling with it all (as I also work and study too), and then he’ll feel really guilty and he gets upset seeing me upset (he’ll also mope around), and then he’ll be more hands on, more present. But he’ll just slip back in to bad habits. He hates the repetitiveness of tidying toys, doing dishes. But that’s just life isn’t it! Unless he wants to live in a mess (which he definitely would), and I do most of the cleaning anyway!

You basically have three children, and sadly one will never grow up.

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your marriage is never, ever going to go the distance. You already resent this man. He lacks respect and consideration for you, and that is always a marriage-killer.