Bestie constantly messaging me.

[RosaMoline]

Hello
I’m not sure if it’s advice I’m
needing to be honest - I just want to vent & also to find out if any of you have a similar friend in your lives.
I love my friend dearly, but she bombards me with daily messages on WhatsApp.
A lot of them are things she’s seen on TV or movies, a blow by blow description of the plot (needless to say, I needn’t bother watching myself after that)
Also many, many photos of her pets, videos of things like her DH doing some construction project…it’s almost like her offloading on me…her messages are VERY VERY long…many of them trivial and banal to be honest. It’s almost as if she has this need to tell me EVERY SINGLE THING that’s going on in her life. On a daily basis. She also shares ‘amusing’ clips and memes that have been doing the rounds on social media for years…I’ve seen them a thousand times already, if you get my drift 🙄
Today, for example, I’ve already had 5 messages from her. Nothing important.
We’ve been friends for 50 years plus, and we both love close by, so it’s not a long distance friendship or anything. I see her fairly regularly.
Recently, I’ve not been replying to constant stream of consciousness, or just a react like a 👍or a ♥️ or 😂
AIBU? It’s doing my fucking head in!

I have the same thing with my mum. We see each other every single day, but the messages… oh the messages. Like you say, it’s a constant drip feed. She’s on her own so I think she’s lonely. I have a busy life with 2 little ones so I’m very lucky if I get time to sit and message. It can be frustrating. (Especially when I’m getting 2/3 video calls a day also) YANBU

I have a friend like this. Just don’t reply to some of the messages, or reply every second/third day. That’s your way of putting the boundary in of ‘I’m not willing to talk to you this often over WhatsApp’

Is this a new thing, or has she been doing it since the invention of the text message? Do you reply/acknowledge? If so, stop.

Do you work? Personally I’d just mute the chat and reply hours later with one message

If you really are best friends then you should be able to tell her you find it too much and won’t be replying to everything.

"Sandra, stop bombarding me with trivia, I can't cope!"

Watching with interest as I have a much loved friend exactly like this.

I have a few friends like this, and got to a point where all the messages had become a constant source of agitation and interfering of time I needed for mummy duties. So a few months ago I made a big WhatsApp announcement to them stating that i was going to be minimising my screen time as i wanted to be more present for my kids, as being a single parent means there is only me, but I'd be happy to catch up with them (friends) when kids were in bed (if I weren't too tired) but preferably over the weekend. Since then the messages have tapered off a bit, and I've stuck firm with responding after kids bedtimes unless it's something important. On the weekend I give them a call to catch up briefly or meet for a coffee. I feel way better in myself after asserting those boundaries.

She’s pretty much been the same - before text messages, it was constantly phoning and visiting (often unannounced…she still does this to a degree)
She’s gone p/t in last two years, and to be expected, she’s really stepped it up 😩
She’s not lonely by the way, big house, DH (although she complains about him constantly..nothing in common. I think he switches off to be honest)
She has pets, two DC. One young adult DC still at home.
Just after I posted this, I had a long diatribe about some exam
she’s just taken! 😂
I have muted her WhatsApp’s for my own sanity, but obviously I see them when I check my messages.

Oh, another thing she did recently was to forward me an entire chat on WhatsApp with her colleagues. Something amusing happened at work. She sent me the whole bloody thing. I DON’T CARE!

Don't just mute her, Archive her. The conversation won't be lost, it'll just you'll only see it when you actively go into Archive messages.

Hold on the conversation to grey it out and click the icon of the little box with the down arrow.

The constant critiques of movies/tv shows she’s seen drives me nuts too. Complete with spoilers.
She does this a lot in person and just goes on and on..but sometimes I have to interrupt her with: ‘YES I KNOW. I’VE SEEN IT ALREADY’ or: ‘I KNOW. I RECOMMENDED IT TO YOU!’
it’s honestly so tedious at times. My DD reckons she literally has no self awareness at all!

@RosaMoline

Could you encourage her to go to social activities locally ect too?

look up with her possibly local or bit more further afield relatively easy to get social activities and events
encourage her to get out her comfort zone cliche
So she makes new friends,

I think this is the way to go to she doesn't depend on you allmost constantly to keep entertained ect.

This isn’t normal. She sounds bored with not a lot going on. Personally I CBA with it.

A poster above had a great recommendation - tell her that you will be minimising screen time as you want to be more present for your kids, DH etc. Therefore you won’t be responding to messages.

She sounds a bit rude & self absorbed TBH.

Has she always been so needy? You need to set your boundaries and stick to them.

I couldn't cope with that, but at the same time, I know I've been that person at certain times in my life when I was very needy and lonely.

I actually don't think you can address this without offending her, I would either send her a message about reducing screen time and pretend you're sending it to everyone, or I would just not reply. Archive her chat, then open it at the end of the day. That way you only have to deal with it once and you don't have to see the messages constantly coming in.

I live alone. I think she capitalises on this to be honest.

My sister used to do this with memes, funny videos etc. Drove me nuts…

As she’s my beloved, I have her a chance to stop before I blocked her - she did. Now I avoid her WhatsApp status when I see tiny lines, as it has scores of clips

Talk to her.

Omg imagine she thinks she’s doing you a favour!

Just don’t reply until she gets the hint. If she calls you ask if it’s urgent and if not say you haven’t time to chat. You need to keep setting boundaries until she gets the message. I feel for you - it sounds very draining!

my initial thoughts would be is she struggling with anything and using you as a lifeline for sanity?

If not then you need to broach it, somehow depending on how you think best; that you're happy and glad she sees you as such a close friend to share, but you're unable to dedicate the same time and effort but still cherish the friendship etc.

It’s really unusual to be best friends with someone for such a long time and for her not to be able to “read” you and your communication style and preferences, but also that you’ve never asserted boundaries with regards to turning up unannounced etc. Really unusual.

Boundaries and tolerances change, so possibly OP didn't find it as intolerable in previous years (hence no boundaries put in place) and now a monster has been created.
I remember a time where I enjoyed my friends contacting me with little joke, memes etc, but now I have kids and other things demanding my time and energy, I find frequent inane communications annoying

She’s always been the same, but before mobile phones/messaging, it used to manifest itself by her turning up announced at my house (‘I’ll just have a cuppa!’ - then staying for hours) I used to get mightily pissed off, especially when the children were at school, and I was using the free time to tackle housework, or just chill)
The PP who said I’d created a monster, had it spot on. I should’ve been more assertive, and nipped it in the bud back then. I think this is attributed to my post menopause attitude. My tolerance levels have definitely diminished and I get irritated very easily these days.
PS: another example of her lack of self awareness would be the time she invited herself on a family holiday. I was with ex DH at the time and took our DS to Turkey. As we were staying in a villa with a few bedrooms, she invited herself. And came.

What happens if you don't reply?

It doesn’t seem to deter her unfortunately. I’d say 90% of the stuff she bombards me with, doesn’t warrant a reply. So I either ignore a lot of it, or abrupt by sending a ‘react’ emoji.