How do I tell my child a beloved relative is dying?

[Merryoldgoat]

I’m absolutely heartbroken. My aunt who has been like a mother to me (as my mum died when I was a teen) is dying.

She is very close to my son and she’s like a grandmother to him. They adore each other. My son is 10 and has ASD - I really need to get this right for him.

I don’t know what, when, or how to tell him.

I’m so sad for our whole family and I don’t know how to cope with this.

I’d be grateful for advice from people who have helped their children through something similar? His great grandmother died a few years back but she was very old and whilst he loved her he had the understanding that it was likely owing to age and infirmity. My aunt is not ‘old’, still very vital and this is all very shocking.

When my Dad died, I was very honest and factual with my two primary aged children. ‘Grandad is not very well and he isn’t going to get better. That means he is going to die and we won’t be able to see him any more. But we will always love him and he will be here in our memories.’ Be factual, don’t talk about ‘going to sleep etc.

They asked about heaven etc and I said ‘Some people believe nothing happens when you die, some people believe in heaven, some people believe that people you love are always with you as long as you remember them. You can decide what you think because nobody knows for sure’.

And we’ve always been very factual and honest with any questions. This has all been on the advice of my SIL who works with bereaved children.

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Thank you. That’s very helpful. I said similar with my grandmother so glad I took the right approach.

and thank you for your kind words. It’s very awful.

I've been the child that's gone through this and honesty is the best policy sit him down and gently explain that she is sick and what it means and what the outcome will be. I've lost quiet a few close family members from the time I was 8 right up till my 30s and my Mother was always honest with me and I was involved I got to visit and help take care of them if I wanted to in the moment , I feel I cope a whole lot better with these situations as an adult as a result. Where as my partner has never lost anyone and anytime there is an illness or worrying diagnosis usually for his elderly parents he is very much of the mindset that ignorance is bliss which imo is not that healthy of an approach. I find if I know what's going on and what's coming I can get my head around it a cope better .

Thank you. I will definitely include him in seeing her and taking care of her.

@KateLizAn has nailed it, this is the approach I took with my children when my dad was dying.

Sorry to read of your aunt's illness and @KateLizAn has the best approach.

My mother died last year and my father before the GC were born. We have always talked to them in terms of people who loved us staying with us in our hearts and brains. That how we behave, what we do, what we like and how we treat others is all down to how they taught us. So although they are dead, they are within us and influencing how we live our lives. The GC were 18 and 12 and they visited their great grandmother in the last weeks of her life and on the day before she died. They both came to the funeral.

Completely agree with @KateLizAn
I was the child in this scenario, the way it was handled was the total opposite to this and the scars remain.

I wouldn't go straight in with 'he isn't going to get better and is going to die' unless it is likely to happen in the next few days. I would start with 'I've just found out that sadly Aunty x is very poorly' and let that sink in for a little time first. Then you can move on to 'You remember I told you that Aunty x was very poorly, well unfortunately she not going to get better etc etc

I agree with @KateLizAn and it's how we approached things for my youngest. I'd also like to suggest speaking to the school to see what wellbeing support is available. My daughter's school have a TA who helps children who need extra support with emotional wellbeing. They have been an incredible source of support for my daughter and made a massive difference to how she's handled her grief whilst still being young and in school.

Sending you all strength for the days ahead

I told my child that even though their body isn’t here anymore, they never really leave you because they are engrained in your memories and day to day through shared experiences and stories. They always stay in your heart.

Thank you everyone - this is so helpful.

His school is great and he has several TAs who are close to him and his class teacher is also great.

I’ll get a clearer prognosis from my aunt this week and then make a plan.

Winston's Wish have some support for autistic children, I used it when my DC lost their dad. Child Bereavement UK also provided some counselling.

Thank you so much - I will check them both out.

All great advice. When I've counselled people in your situation my advice was just like above, I emphasised that as hard as it is, don't hide prognosis from dc once known, it's actually far easier for us to cope when we can mentally prepare (though I suggest holding back until all prognosis is known, no point worrying children until you have facts)

Take care op, it's tough but he's got you

Great advice on this thread, just wanted to say how sorry I am OP, this must be such a shock for you all.

Sorry for your news.

With my DC I was factual with them when my parents were dying. They asked why they were dying and I explained that something important in their body had stopped working and the doctors couldn’t fix it.

This how I approached it when my kids were little

Michael Rosen's Sad Book is a good one to have to hand.

I'm sorry to hear about your aunt.

My sister died when my kids were 5 and 7. My kids have ASD. I did similar to what others suggested. I explained that my sister was ill and sick. We were going to the hospital at lot anyway. I just started planting the idea that this wasn't something she would get better from. I didn't mention that she was dying until she actually did die.

They took it better than I expected and better than I did honestly. It was during covid and it was just a bonkers time anyway. They were quite anxious and had a lot of separation anxiety around the time and I'm not sure how much of it was because of her death and how much was the change because of Covid. But I just reassured them I was still here. Told them honestly about how I felt sad she was gone. Even now I still tell them I am sad she's gone. So they don't forget her.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

We’re utterly devastated. She’s absolutely amazing. Everyone loves her and she will be such a loss.

I find it hard personally because whilst she’s always treated me like a daughter she has children so I feel like I’m in the way if that makes sense?

I feel very strange. I’m doing all the normal things but this huge cloud is following me around.

Who is supporting you in this? Well done for protecting your kids, but make sure you’re protected too.

Thank you for your concern - it’s really kind.

Luckily I have a great DH and PIL and some close friends.

My manager has been very supportive also and will allow me whatever flexibility I need to look after myself and my family.

I’m sitting here feeling very low though. I just can’t believe this will happen to her. There are only 17 years between us and she’s always been such fun. I can’t believe we’re nearly out of time.