To not want sex

[namechange711]

I've been single for 2.5 years and soon to be divorced. I'd like to start dating again but don't want to have sex until I 100% can see a future with someone and I really like them. I appreciate that lots of men would want to have sex after a couple of dates. But, I can't provide a timeframe of when I'd be ready.

Is this a reasonable mindset? or am I better off not dating until I ease up on this principle (if I do).

I'm 30 and have 1 Dc. I married very young and husband was my first and only sexual partner.

Please do not consider having sex you DO NOT want.
Why would you abuse yourself that?

YES! You can take sex completely off the table and make that clear.

You are not a fair ground ride that has to feel obligated to give everyone a turn.

People will respect you more for respecting yourself.

It worries me you feel you needed to ask this.

Hold your boundaries strong!

I’m in a similar position and have no qualms about telling this to anyone I have gone out with… it has been completely fine! Not a problem at all. In fact, I think some people are especially intrigued by it.

You can have any standards you like. The people you date are free to accept them or to bin you off if they don’t. You’ll meet men in both categories. Neither of you are wrong.

You're not being unreasonable at all. If you start to date someone, at some point that conversation will come up. Just be honest and if they're a half decent human who's interested in more than a fling, they'll be willing to wait.

In my experience there aren't that many men looking for a serious relationship who will be eager to have sex after a couple of dates. You can go as quickly or as slowly as you like and if the man is not willing to accept your boundaries, then they are not the partner for you.
I would, however, not totally discount the value of having sex relatively early in the relationship or having a casual relationships at this stage of your life. I once dated someone for three months before we had sex and I couldn't continue seeing them after because sex was ridiculously bad and no way would I commit to a sexless and joyless relationship with this person, no matter how much I liked them. I also had a number of brief and not so brief casual relationships between breakups and gained a lot of value from them.

Perhaps including in your OLD profile that you want to take things slowly so not looking for one night stands, may help.

Those who will contact you after reading that, will be those who are ok with your boundaries already or at least will try to be, but be prepared to be surprised, you may find someone lovely out there, who makes you reconsider how much you want to wait.

The problem I think is that people are so used to the “next” button, they may not have the same inclination of spending a few dates deciding if you are right for them, and when that happens, don’t blame your boundaries, it is just that most people are looking for love at first sight/the click/instant sexual attraction so you can be dismissed for the most menial of reasons that have nothing to do with your wish to wait to know the person better.

Thank you all. Very reassuring posts. As I had not "dated" before (husband was a family friend), I don't quite know how to go about things. I massively lack experience in the dating world.😥

My only advice is to take it easy, don’t take things personally (grow a rhino skin if you can) and don’t get too excited about anyone until you meet in person 🙂

Hmm same situation for me as in don’t want to have sex straight away but that seems to be almost an expectation nowadays! I haven’t had sex for 7 years so I’m not going to rush into anything with anyone but it almost seems a given you are suppose to sleep with men straight away if MN is anything to go by, it’s put me off dating I can’t lie.

Yes but I'd say if you're OLD to be really blunt in your profile about what you want.

I wouldn’t put it on my profile personally…

You can choose whatever boundaries you want to and the people you're dating can choose whether that's something they're on board with or not.

It matters to find someone you're compatible with.

Why not please?

I haven't accessed any dating sites yet. I'm at a stage where I am considering dating but haven't acted upon my thought.

I’ve always been like this & it’s always served me well. It gets rid of the grotty ones. All the decent ones have waited.

Just my personal opinion but no one is owed sex so wouldn’t be putting that on my personal profile but I can see most would

I think you should be clear in your profile to avoid misunderstandings. Who knows there might be someone out there in the same boat who does not want to be rushed into a passionate performance before they are ready.

There is no need to be apologetic. Your choice is your choice and is fine.

I think that your stance is completely reasonable (and "normal"). However I will caution you this:

There are men who will see this as a great challenge - my BIL is one of these men. 100% charming, says that getting a woman into bed is too easy and needs a better challenge. So that would be getting someone to do it without a condom, or getting someone to do it when they have stated upfront that they wanted to wait. I haven't seen him for ages (I don't like him), but every time I saw him over a period of about 20 years, he had a different woman. And all but one of those women was looking for a serious, long term marriage situation with him - and clearly believed that was what was going on. He even got introduced to some women's children really early on as he is such a charmer.

Just watch out for his type.

This is also why you don’t put it on your profile.

YANBU however as you are aware it is much less common nowadays and general social convention means that most dating couples will be sleeping together within a few dates. It may be worth investigating specialist dating sites / apps such as religious ones (as an example if appropriate) or approaching a matchmaking service, as I would say that most men on the regular apps like Tinder will be expecting a sexual relationship in a much shorter timescale. You might get fewer matches, but the ones you'd get would be more suitable.

I think you are very smart @namechange711 one only needs to look at MN to see the perils of going too fast too soon.

I have 3 friends who were in your situation who wanted to meet a partner - many more who decided they wouldn't until dc are grown. Anyway of the three that decided to start dating again, all waited and spent a few months getting to know someone and dating seriously before getting intimate in that way. It ranged from 5 months of exclusive dating through to over a year. 2/3 have now married these guys and are very happy. The other remained partners for a couple years before deciding they wanted different things, but remain really good friends and she credits the relationship with helping her see all the rights/choices/boundaries she has a right to and that there are really good men out there.

They all went slow, didn't compromise on the type of man they wanted and really got to know them and their families, friends etc., before getting too entangled.

Also recommend being blunt about what you want. I was blunt to the point of putting people off on purpose as I wasn't really sure I wanted to date. A guy who was accepting of that did come along, but if he hadn't I still wouldn't have wanted sex at an early stage with anyone.

My friend is doing on line dating at the moment (she is a female dating men like you OP). She's happy to have sex early in the relationship but has met more than one man who wants to wait, so I don't think your attitude is as unusual or potentially off-putting as you may assume.

I think it's a bit of a myth that men have much greater libidos and desires for sex with strangers than women do. I think we are all different.

Good luck - be clear on your boundaries and never feel pressured - I'm sure you'll find your person eventually, even if it takes a while.

I've only 'held out' once. I didn't really interrogate myself on this, just went with my instincts. He was very attractive and ticked all the boxes as far as I could tell. After six months I still wasn't comfortable with the idea, so I binned him. There were some red flags that only became apparent after several months and, while I still could have converted the relationship to 'mainly sex', it didn't feel right after all that time.

So I guess I'm saying I can see the point in waiting, especially when you're focused on finding a good long-term partner. No idea whether you should put it on your profile, but of course it's best to be upfront as soon as possible. Good luck!

Thank you so much everyone. Reading some of the stories has helped me quite a lot.

I had the impression that sex was expected to be to be on the cards early on. Your posts have certainly made me feel better.💐

I agree with others about not putting it on your profile. In fact I wouldn't make a thing out of it at all. For all the reasons already stated. But I would also add, that there are men with low sex drives and/or performance issues. That will hope you fall for them before you find out. And you may not want sex straight away but presumably you want it at some point! You don't want to be in deep feelings wise then find out the sex is rubbish or non existent. Yes, I am saying this from personal experience!