I just need someone to listen

[Idontknowhowmuchmore]

I’ll start by saying, I have two brilliant little children. I won’t disclose their ages.

eldest has cystic fibrosis/asd/adhd.

youngest has ASD/learning disability/uses wheelchair often.

Been with their dad for over 11 years. We’ve not had it easy with our eldest child’s CF.. His care is off the charts & I do 99% of that. Including for our youngest.

I have nobody. Absolutely nobody I can talk too. My mum & dad will never speak to me again if I leave my partner because for some reason they think the sun shines out of his ass.

I’ve just had enough of 11+ years of giving him my energy in return for NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. No effort, sits on his PS5, Doesn’t have a drivers license. I do & I do every single school run, shopping, all the hospital visits, the senco appointments, sort out all of our eldest child’s medication which is an unbelievably high amount they’re on.

I do every single tea time more or less, in a nutshell I’m a single mother with the children’s dad still here.

He’s threatened if I leave I’ll never ever be able to move on, threatened he’ll go down to where I do my hobby & do this & that. I’m just so so drained. I don’t argue with him in front of our children, he waits until they’re at school then he’ll have me to argue with.

Point being, I’m done. But I’m too scared to ring the police in fear of social services being involved. Purely because not to blow my own horn at all, but I am an excellent mum. That’s one thing I can say for sure. & I am so scared that social services will think the opposite. I know it’s just stigma around them but ideally I’d like them to not be involved at all. The children aren’t in any danger in any way shape or form.

But I just can’t continue this way. I have no life, I’m just existing because he won’t let me go. There’s no violence, I’m so confused because is it abuse because there’s no violence? I feel like a fraud because he hasn’t been physical with me. It seems just mentally abusive.

What are my options? Please be kind, I’m sorry if this is in the wrong section. I’m just beyond drained mentally x

Yes, abuse does not have to be physical. Emotional abuse can often be more damaging, as you are experiencing. No matter what type of abuse it is, it's wrong.

If you are in the UK you could contact Women's Aid and speak to them. They won't force you to do anything, they will listen and give you advice if it's needed but most of all they will support you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's hell on earth

Why is he there after the kids have gone to school? Why isn't he at work? Does he have also have ASD/ADHD, it wouldn't surprise me at all from what you've said - not least because your kids are likely to have inherited it from somewhere.

If he comes down to your hobby and makes a fool of himself who cares? Perhaps consider calling Womens aid for support and advice rather than the police?

Does he work?

stuff what your parents think you need to think about yourself and your children. Bit odd that they would never speak to you if you left him

he’s an abuser Ltb

Cocklodger

what normal grown man sits on a PS5 all day even after work? What a saddo

Just to clarify, he does work. Mostly from home. He doesn’t have ASD but I suspect undiagnosed ADHD. I’m currently on the online chat to women’s aid right now..x

OP I’d call this emotional violence. Very sinister to threaten you if you were to leave him he would do X to you. A first step is to read up on emotional abuse and the terms and tactics used. Dr Ramani on youtube is a good place to start, whether you think your partner may be a narcissist or not.

You sound like an amazing Mum and it sounds like life would be much better without your partner in it. He, on the other hand has it made. No wonder he doesn’t want you to leave him! Who will look after him and sort everything out for him then?! Less time on his PS5 if he has to do real life grown up stuff.

Sounds like you have two brilliant children and one very draining man child. You must be exhausted. Anyone who can threaten you in that manner ought not to be in your life. I agree with the previous poster research domestic violence charities nearby so you can get outside support. They can help you see the abusive situation for what it is and perhaps help with some counselling and advice whilst you work out your next steps.

Keep posting here too. MN is a great community with many wise and helpful people.

One final point. If your partner makes you feel unsafe at any point please call the police. Social services won’t take your kids away for protecting yourself and them.

We’re in your corner hun. Sending hugs and tea (or warming hot beverage of your choice) ☕️ xxx

You can do it OP

he won’t do anything he knows you’re scared that’s why he comes out with nonsense and even if he did so what he’s only embarrassing himself. Social services would not be involved

You know you need to leave him. If your parents don't like it then tough. You deserve to be happy. If they love him so much they cam put up with him.

If he come down to your hobby, so what, let him embarrass himself, it won't be the first or last domestic eople have seen.

He is abusing you. The damage is happening it still abuse. Talk to woman's aid for support.

Do you have any friends you can talk to?

There’s no violence

Him threatening you in any way, shape or form is violence. Emotional violence IS violence.

Stop giving a single fuck what your parents would think. They don't have to live your life.

Op this is a form of Coercive control, it is a form of abuse.
You have a tough life with your Dc but sound like a fantastic mum, but it would be much easier without him dragging you down. He is a nasty little man.
Forget what your parents say, you are a very capable woman and need to take control of this for yourself.
You are all your DCs have and you need to take very good care of yourself to be able to take such good care of them, (which it sounds like you are doing brilliantly)
Its hard to advise without knowing more about why your partner is home all day and whether you fear him.
Womens aid is a good place to start, to help you find a way to get rid of him...
PLEASE DON'T DOUBT YOURSELF

Coercive and controlling behaviour is a form of abuse, so are threats.

You sound like a very together person. I'm pretty sure that if you manage to leave him, you'll go through a period where you feel guilty about it (because he's like a third child you have to care for) until you realise how much easier your life it without all the extra work and emotional baggage.

He adds nothing positive to your life. Where would you like to be in 3 years time?

I can tell you as a lone parent our lives are easier and more peaceful without an abusive man child in it.

I really hope you get the support you need to finish it.

It's good that your talking to womens aid. They will give you lots of advice and many of us here have been through similar so can listen to you hear. WE are listening to you.

Make an exit plan. Don't tell him.

What is he threatening to do at your hobby group? Try to get stuff like that in writing to be used as evidence or at least record him on your phone.

I’m just reading everyone’s replies now. Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it a lot.

I know in my head what I need too do, it’s just trying to actually go through with it. I worry the shame it’ll bring to my house having the police here. I don’t want my neighbours to make assumptions, there’s so much I’m worrying over. But I absolutely know for a fact I’ve got to get rid of him one way or another.

I live & breathe for my children, I idolise them as they do me & I need to continue to make them my priority. So I know if I stay with their dad, then I’m not doing right by them. It’s just incredibly hard because of the constant threats.

& I do believe he’ll carry out those threats. I have a lot to think about & find the best possible solution to get him out of the house without causing too much disruption to our children.

I’ll keep everyone posted on the women’s aid chat also. Thank you x

why do people assume he has asd/adhd

sometimes a spade is a spade

Believe me the neighbours will know he’s the xxxx and stop thinking about what everyone else will think who thinks about you and your children? X

What is he threatening to do?

Wishing you well OP. Hold your nerve and people will help you. xx

He’s threatened to come down to my hobby & basically fight with people. Sounds pathetic I know. He’s threatened “you think you’ll ever be able to move on, you never will” if that’s considered a threat.

He makes it a point to say he is physically stronger than me so if he wanted to he would just take my phone off me & there’s nothing I could physically do.

Those are just a few examples.

In a nutshell he’s saying, if I leave him he will make it his life’s mission to make sure I never ever, ever have anyone else in my life, no man will ever be allowed near our children. Even though I’m not interested in moving on any way. He will physically harm any man I’m involved with x

If he goes to your hobby group and starts fighting people he'll be arrested. Hopefully HE WILL do it, this will go in your favour!

However, most threats like this are empty.

Yes, he could easily take your phone away from you. As a back up, Get a cheap top up phone you could use in an emergency and keep it hidden.

And please don't worry about SS OP. They are there to help.

I was in a similar situation some years ago and called the police on my child's father. He had threatened me physically and was holding our baby at the time. I waited a few weeks before I could safely call and SS came over the next day to check all was OK and baby was fine. They were VERY helpful and kind. Because I had got rid of the sperm donor, they praised me and said they had no concerns...just to call them if I had any further problems. You don't need to fear them and sounds like you've been doing an absolutely amazing job with your children.

Sweetheart don't worry about shame, if I was your neighbour, whether I knew you or not, I'd just want you and your children to be safe and if there was an opportunity to support you I'd do my best to do it.
I'm really glad you're talking to Women's Aid. Baby steps. You'll be fine. He sounds like a massive bully.

That is worrying. Please tell WA everything he has said and done to you. I wouldn't shrug off any threats, no matter how stupid they sound. He is warning you, you need to keep yourself and your children as safe as you can.