Not sure about DD boyfriend - what to say ? Love is blind

[Neapolitanicecream]

My DD 22 yrs (who lives with us) thinks I like her boyfriend (together 4years), because I’m polite, and a good host. She has a career and is working hard and doing well.
Boyfriend is 25yrs, talks about his plans to make it big, but is not a doer but a talker (but oddly full of advice on what we should be doing and also investing our money😏). He has got temp jobs so far which he hates, he seems to be living off my DD who pays for most things and also expects her to run around for lifts as he has no intention to learn to drive.
So at weekends they in bed till 2pm and then just hang around the house (before she used to do sports at weekend’s mornings) anyway it’s her choice, but now he encouraging her to drink and also her brother 18yrs who has been very ill a couple of times after spending an evening with them. I don’t know how to stop boyfriend pushing the srinking without upsetting my daughter, (as it’s “fun” games ) it feels like the boyfriend is jealous of how academically successful her brother is (and even my DD) as DS he’s on track to do very well at his prestigious uni. Not sure if or how to say anything to DD ?

Have you let this person move into your home? He sounds like a cocklodger.

Y

I think you need to step in and say he can stay for dinner but needs to go home to sleep. This may encourage dd to take back her sports in the mornings.

And yes, subtly make it clear to dd then she can do better than him.

Charge him an extortionate rent?

If he has cash for booze then he has money to spare.

Have been in that situation with several of my DC/DSC. It's really hard. You want to be honest with your child, and help them make good choices, but at the same time if she's aware you don't like her BF but stays with him anyway, (which she probably will) you damage your own relationship with her. I think your best bet is it steer a bit of a middle course - implying you quite like him but don't think highly of his investment ideas, etc. And encourage discussion about her own future plans which aren't assuming they'll start together.
I'd start out of the issue with him encouraging DS to drink too much - if DS is off at uni, he's old enough to deal with this sort of thing for himself. Just show a vague disapproval and leave them to figure it out.

This.

100% cocklodger.

If your son is old enough to bring doing so well at a prestigious university then he's old enough to say no to drinking with this guy. He's 18, not eight. Same with your daughter.

investment advice- say when he has a job and a house and has actually managed to action his financial plans you’ll love to talk to him but at the moment it’s a bit like sex advice from a child. The drama that follows will fix everything.

I found reflecting back more helpful in getting rid of dodgy boyfriends. As in a conversation about money or lack of it :
‘I’m saving up so we can both go to the festival.’
’Sounds like Leach isn’t saving with you.’
’Don’t be mean mum, he’s just lost his job,’
’So Leach has chucked his job again and you’re saving so you can both go the festival right?’
’Right.’

Drip, drip, drip, eventually without saying what a waste of space the boyfriend (or girlfriend) is, they get it.

Thankyou everyone, I agree I have to tread carefully, and know they are adults, he is here most weekends and I have always made friends feel welcome, Thankyou you’ve given me options to think about.

Your dd is an adult, so have an adult conversation with her. Point out these exact issues to her. If she gets upset then she gets upset. My dsis brought someone home like this, parents had a talk with her pointing out these things and suddenly she saw it too. That's what you're there for, to give her this advice because no one else will.

Why don't you just say hey focus on your own money when he tries to get involved in yours?

So stop being ‘polite and a good host’. If he’s essentially living in your house at weekends (or more?), he’s long past guest status. Be unvarnished in your responses to his ‘financial’ advice. If the drinking games are happening in your house to the point where people are puking, stop them.

I think you do need to tread carefully when brining it up with DD as pp have suggested, but agree with the idea of encouraging him to go home at night. Maybe some time away from him will help DD to see he's a bit of a bad apple/negative influence. As the saying goes mum knows best! If only I'd listened to my mum all those years ago..