Stuck! What do I do?

[Jojoscared]

I would really be grateful for some advice

married 20years and it’s been hell.

husband is a narcissist who I never should have married but I was very young and he is a lot older. I was pregnant before we married. He was always out, come home at ridiculous times, very drunk. Verbally abusive and I started giving back and became a version of me I didn’t like.

i was very unstable and emotionally destroyed but i stayed for my kids plus there were some very short bursts of happiness.

we agreed to separate when kids were older but now I realise he didn’t mean it. I meant it.

i had suspicions of him being unfaithful but I never caught him. He hit me a couple of times and drunkenly made a pass at the kid’s sitter. she told me she kicked him out of her room

i stupidly stayed and he made me feel like I was the terrible one for reacting badly to his treatment of me.

he would refuse to talk to me for days when I got cross for his behaviour. He was horrible to me and made me feel like I was not good enough.

so I started focusing on me and my work. Put all energy into the kids. Now I’m wealthier than him and I don’t give him much attention. I used to beg for his attention. He says I’m evil and wicked because I’m switched off him.

now he thinks I’m evil because he is no longer my focus. To top it up, he is now critically ill, so I can’t leave him.

i cover all the bills, have to feed his family when they come round and he has now pretty much moved his divorced sibling into our home (he is here most of the time) saying it’s his home too and he can do what he likes. he says his sibling is important for his mental health as he is quite ill.

he says I am cruel because I don’t want to sleep with him.

i have to cook, work and pay all bills. When he does go into the kitchen, he just fixes himself a meal. How do I suddenly love a man who has treated me so badly.

i don’t know what to do other than end my own life, but I won’t do that cause my kids need me and I love them so much

i can’t leave because everyone will think I’m leaving cos he is ill. I will be his carer but I can take this vitriol

he is so mean to me, but he says I’m the cruel one for not giving him everything he needs

has anyone been in this position?

p.s don’t advice me to leave as it’s too late

Why is it too late to leave? I wouldn’t stay with such a horrible man, and I certainly wouldn’t be his carer.

now he thinks I’m evil because he is no longer my focus. To top it up, he is now critically ill, so I can’t leave him.

I’m sorry but I do have to advise you to leave him.

Your husband doesn’t care about you and you have decided to sacrifice your life for him anyway.

You will MASSIVELY regret this in years to come.

Please start the divorce proceedings and in the meantime tell his divorced relative to leave your house by the end of this week.

Take back your power, you can do this!

OP

Its never to late to leave. So if you are confident, leave or tell him to go.

Why did you have other children ith him if he has been like that?

You see others more important, put yourself first.

You need to put yourself first as others have said.
good luck op.

I think you have to leave. This man will destroy you if you let him
Let his sibling look after him

Is he terminally ill? How long are you going to live like this?
He was and still is an obnoxious twat way before any illness.
Treat him with the same contempt he serves you!

Hugs op. You've given him 20 years, you've paid your dues. Set yourself free and leave.

If you want to die to escape this then you need to leave with your kids no matter what. His sibling can care for him if they're so close. Sod anyone who judges. There are much more important things then keeping up appearances.

I too agree that it is NEVER too late! You sound like you've actually managed to remain a strong woman whilst putting up with this crap for the sake of your children. Do you really CARE what other people think? If so, why? They don't know the half of what this arsehole has put you through OP, as the old adage 'no one knows what goes on behind closed doors', is absolutely true. Did anyone who you think has the right to judge you if you leave, stand up and be counted when you clearly could have done with some support? Did they hell as like, and even if they suspected that he wasn't good to you, they didn't come forward and offer you help as far as I can tell. So, please take the advice given and leave this evil fucker NOW! Don't give him one more iota of your time or trouble. He's treated you like shit, and now it's time for him to see the results of his actions.

Whatever you do, please don't even think of suicide! Why on earth would you give up your life, rather than give this evil bastard what's coming to him?

You can't prefer the idea of suicide over people possibly thinking badly of you because you left your ill (yet still a massive arsehole) husband? Like you said, your kids need you. The situation will only get worse. Plus, he has his divorced sibling there so he won't be left alone.

He is my kids dad. He is very good at making me feel and look terrible. I sometimes feel I should be kinder cos he is ill. I don’t want my kids thinking I’m deserting their dad. If he was always so bad, why am I leaving now when he is too ill to survive on his own. Leaving is not an option unless he gets better. We find out if it’s terminal this week.

I hope this doesn't offend, but I think your course of action depends on if his condition is terminal.
If you divorce him now, when he is critically ill and unable to work, then you may stand to lose out financially, if that illness means he will not be able to work again.
How ill is he, is likely to get better? Anyway, I think you should get expert legal advice as to what your options are
Finances notwithstanding, I do think you should separate for the sake of your own mental health, you sound on the verge of a breakdown. I also think you should stop cooking or doing anything for him now, his sibling who is living with you against your wishes can do the caring. Is that sibling making a contribution, btw? Is this the only family member of his that you are feeding, or are there more?
Stop worrying about what everyone else might think, think about your children, and how they deserve to live in a calm, stable environment. Think about how your mental health will improve if you are not subjected to his nastiness. If he is still drinking regularly and to excess, think about how that affects your children. Your children matter. Your mental health matters. What people might think does not matter.

Thank you. This is my worry. I can’t leave now for financial and aesthetics. It’s too late. He can’t go out much or drink anymore, so he’s just nasty because I work, cook, pay bills and don’t pay him physical attention. My kids are grown and I shield them from most of it. They saw more when they were younger and we were in a smaller home

Not sure if it’s terminal. Find out this week. Today, he blamed me for his illness

Find out the prognosis and then make your decision on how to progress.

Tell him you will leave him unless he behaves

i can’t leave because everyone will think I’m leaving cos he is ill. I will be his carer but I can take this vitriol

And yet you are thinking of ending your own life.

In the nicest possible way: fuck what people think. You are more important.

For goodness sake OP, I don't mean to be unkind, but wake up!! You don't owe this bastard ANYTHING!!

I think when you say 'I don’t want my kids thinking I’m deserting their dad.' that this is what is stopping you from leaving, but do you really think your children have been blind to all the horrible things he's done, and the awful way he treats you? I think if you were to actually ask them, you might be surprised at how much they have been aware of, and they have probably prayed at times that you would wake up and leave! I know that that's how I felt when I was young, and my father treated my Mum like your 'H' has treated you. When I heard him shouting and threatening her, and on the odd occasion where he became physical and I could hear him hitting her, I hid my head under the covers, and prayed that she would find the strength to get up and leave, taking us kids with her. I had nightmares, where I would wake up screaming because I thought he had killed her. These are the things that children go through, and never once did I tell either of my parents what they put ME through.

The difference between then and now, is that in those days when women were beaten black and blue, and suffered at the hands of awful men, they had no women's support groups to turn to, and all to often nowhere to go, so even if she had left, us poor kids would probably have ended up in care, as unless you had family to turn to, there was no way a single Mum could work, and take care of her kids, and all too often, even if you did have family close by, the attitude would have been 'you made your bed, now you have to lay in it', and you'd be sent home for yet another beating. Hence, SHE had NO choice, but to stay and put up with whatever he dished out.

However, you DO have a choice OP, so please don't make the mistake of staying, and letting this vile man take advantage of you for even one minute longer!!! You AND your children will regret it if you do.

How old are you children because if I knew my mum was in this position, I would go get her and move her in with me?

Yes you can and should leave. He was abusive when he had a family to lose. God knows how bad he will be if he's terminal and has nothing to lose. It will only escalate and he might also be very angry at this life being cut short. You were be in the receiving end.

With respect, you don't need him for anything. You can survive on your own.

If anyone questions you "He was difficult enough to live with before his illness, but his anger became unbearable once he got ill. I had to leave for my sanity and my safety". The end. You don't own anyone explanations.

Leave him there with the relative.

Critic or terminal illness does provide absolution to a domestic abuser.

If you don't think you can do this on your own, please call women's aid.

thank you all for your advice and I know leaving is the easiest solution but as I have said, it is not practical. We live in a 6bed house that I pay all the bills on. He is ill. I can’t move out without disrupting kids (I can’t afford two homes) and I can’t kick him out as that would be cruel (he has just registered as disabled), so what I need right now is alternatives.

Leave him to it. You stop doing anything. Let him sort out his own cooking and cleaning. He can pay someone else to run around after him. That's what DLA/PIP is for. He can get his brother to care for him.

Look in a mirror and keep repeating to yourself ‘he isn’t my problem’ over and over. Then kick his arse out (if the house isn’t in his name of course). Not exactly the same, but over time I recognised that my now ex is autistic, and the traits can become more apparent over time/as the person gets older. So managing self care and basic things like paying bills can (and did) get out of hand for him. There were other issues beyond ND but for me I could see my life was either going to be becoming a carer/partner without any affection (I had long lost any love and attraction) or simply get on with my own life. You don’t owe him your time or care, you don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why you won’t give either to him.

Were you married with kids and a home? They won’t let you kick out a disabled co home owner

Then you need to leave, and if part of the house is in your name then you need to be bought out. There’s no special badge for martyrdom.

You have a large house. Can you avoid him? See about a care budget for him if he is that ill and hire carers to look after him. If he is terminal then PIP should be automatic, if not he may well qualify anyway. Get carers in a couple times a day and get on with your life as best you can.

Leave sell the house and buy two smaller ones.

If you think you have shielded the kids you are very much mistaken.

I know from experience.