Defiant and rude 9 yo DD

[pandy24]

Posting out of desperation

My 9 yo DD is so defiant and rude I am at a loss with what to do.
It's mainly only at home although does spill out occasionally and no amount of consequence seems to make a difference, ie no iPad, treats, no play dates etc
The way she speaks to her DF and I is shocking. Refusing to do simple things, telling us to go away and shut up. She also shuts down completely if you try and talk about it when she's calmed down just shouts at you to stop talking.
She has had friendship troubles at school which I thought could be a reason but she's like it whether she's had a good day or not.
Has anyone else had this and been able to turn it around as it's making home life very difficult?

Following as my daughter is exactly like this and is 9 next month.
No advice unfortunately I’m also struggling with what to do ☹️

What is going on at home? How is your relationship with your husband? What is home life like? Is it stable and consistent or unpredictable?

All is good at home I think, no issues with DH and I. So it's stable. Have a routine each week with school and some out of school activities x

You need to be mega firm on it and I’d continue with the punishments even if they don’t help at the moment as giving a message that there’s no consequences if you’re rude to your parents isn’t a message I’d want to give. I’m a relaxed parent but hate mouthy kids as they turn into mouthier teens so worked really hard from a young age that they couldn’t be rude to their parent

Following..... I've got a just turned 8yo in exactly the same situation and no idea what to do..... gets you proper down, empathy op xx

My daughter is the same age and is much better than she was (and autistic so explains some of it for her as she works so hard out of the home to manage social expectations and does maintain friendships but there are bumps in the road). I guess hormones are kicking in too.

We talk a lot (when calm) about how we would like to be treated and talked to. We have had to try really, really, really hard to model staying calm and loving even when angry and frustrated with her rudeness. It doesn't mean we condone it. We also have to give her space in her room. We give clear natural consequences.

Our home life is also very stable and our other child would never dream of being so rude to us ever!

I would check that nothing is going on outside of the home , is everything ok at school? My eldest son went through a similar stage & I was heartbroken when I found out he was not only being bullied but a teacher had also been picking on him , I was once told that they are comfortable at home to let everything out if other things have been pent up at school or other clubs etc.
Worth checking and having a heart to heart with her

I don't know if this is a factor, but when I was nine I started my period and it was horrible. I was in immense pain all the time. So bad all I could do was lay on my back with my legs up and a hot water bottle.

Is she going through this ? She could be experiencing physical and emotional changes and maybe having a conversation about that might help ?

Is someone doing something to her at school or maybe someone who has trust in the family or proximity ? I know it's a horrific thought but that happened to me to and I was afraid to talk about it.

I think maybe you need to have a day out together and in a fun and non confrontational way talk to her about her life and her feelings and what kind of things she's going through.

Some child counselling sessions might help as well. I hope it all works out.

Thank you
She has had friendship issues and sometimes feels like no one wants to be her friend which breaks my heart. I try and help navigate her through it and try to boost her confidence. Kids can suddenly be so mean at this age. Im sure it's far younger than when I was at school.
She definitely does let loose at home in her safe space but it's just really appalling behaviour x

My 10 y/o and his friend have both started copping attitudes lately - it seems to have coincided with getting spots and needing deodorant, so we (DH and I + friend's parents) reckon it's puberty rearing its ugly head.

Thank you yes I also started my periods very young. But there is no sign of any physical change with DD yet but emotionally she is behaving very teenager like.
I don't think there is any scope for anyone doing anything wrong unless at school. I am due to meet with her teacher soon

It's very common to start around the same age as your mother so I think hormones are behind a lot of this behaviour.

Has she always been like it or is it new behaviour?

7yo dd is like this. She's highly anxious, with a likely neurodevelopmental cause which she's being assessed for. She told me I was a fucking idiot yesterday. She's very able, but demand avoidant and very controlling when her anxiety takes hold.

It's hormones doing it here, exacerbating previously unsupported neurodiverity. It's absolutely awful, it's like having a toddler again but with all the What Ifs about how she will get through to adulthood and fielding all the comments about needing to come down heavy on the poor child. She is in pieces and doesn't recognise or like herself most of the time.
I see amazing women absolutely floored by the hormonal changes of perimenopause and I understand why puberty is so rough for some girls.

Hormonal surge before menarch.