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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants in.

20 replies

bruisednotbroken24 · 03/03/2024 17:10

Hi
First post - I hope I'm in the `best place for advice as the matter is urgent and I don't have a lot of support IRL.
AIBU - You should have let him in
NBU - You did the right thing.

Ex has suspiciously been back on the scene after a broken window incident at the end of the year where my window was bricked whilst we were on holiday and on the day of it being discovered EX got back in contact via email after nearly 6 years. We have two children and there has been no contact at all in this time. EX is on the title deeds of the house. After this, he turned up at the door demanding to come in and speak to the kids. I asked him to leave and when some neighbours appeared he did.
There was a history of DV and I genuinely thought we'd been left to it - I've received no financial support towards the kids or house.
So I decided to take the step to sell the house.
I Got in contact with the ex and eventually we agreed on an EA and a price. I want a quick sale as I no longer feel safe in the house. So there are issues with the decor. Ex requested to view the property- I ignored this. So much time has passed -it feels like an invasion of privacy. He's had no contact with the children in all that time.
Last week, I got a notification from a neighbour of a sighting of ex near the house. I checked my camera door bell and there was a clip of him leaving the house! I feel completely violated. I have no idea how long he was in the house. He had got through the back window. He's not been in the property in 6 years.
I called the police, as I've been unable to sleep and constantly on edge. I know he owns the property as well but just to go in?
Police have arrested him for harassment -as nothing was taken and he owns the house. Was I right to call the police? Or have I wasted everyone's time? He's saying he wants to sort issues out in the house.
I'm going to get a non mol. But any advice would be appreciated.
Its horrible, I've been transported to the quivering wreck I was 5 years ago. Please help.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 03/03/2024 17:34

Holding your hand, OP. He is harassing you, and police wouldn’t have arrested him if he hadn’t committed an offence.

Sounds as if he may start trying to force you into letting him make all decisions about the house sale. Get some legal information, eg from Citizens’ Advice Bureau.

Other Mumsnetters with legal expertise will be able to advise you, eg whether you can legally order him not to come to the house except by appointment with you.

Put everything in writing, and ask your helpful neighbours to keep note of when they see him.

Have you any friends or relatives who can come to the house when he’s going to be there?

Best of luck, OP.

KTheGrey · 03/03/2024 17:41

Is he an ex partner or an ex husband? I think that makes a difference to what you do next.

Either way, probably get a recommendation for a good solicitor and take her advice on how much of the sale price your ex is entitled to and whether you need a financial order for splitting the money.

He should have to go to court to get visitation with the children if there was DV, and there is also the fact that he abandoned them for six years. However, you might have to get an order to stop him. Once you have orders from.the Court the police have to enforce them.

Original poster
bruisednotbroken24 · 03/03/2024 17:44

Thank you both for your messages. It's been really hard and I'm struggling with long term decisions. We both own the property and were never married.
I'm certain a non mol is the way to go - I don't think I can afford a solicitor tbh.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/03/2024 17:44

Speak to Rights of Women about a non-mol and occupation order.

Daleksatemyshed · 03/03/2024 17:54

You say you both own the house but do you own it outright? If it's mortgaged and you've paid for the last six years then you are entitled to a bigger share than him. Some solicitors will give you a free half hour- if you can find one then go, you need to know your legal position because I'm sure your Ex will be looking for a 50/50 split. If you split over DV then you need all the protection you and your DC can get- get the Non Mol just incase

KTheGrey · 03/03/2024 22:25

I think it's a mistake not to get a solicitor. A good one should save you more than they cost. Unfortunately I don't know how you get a good one. 😕

You could approach Women's Aid, and they might be able to give you some free advice, although I don't know if they could recommend you a solicitor or if they might have somebody who does it pro bono.

Like @Daleksatemyshed , I think your ex will try to get 50/50, and that he isn't entitled to that after not paying towards it or child support for 6 years.

Original poster
bruisednotbroken24 · 04/03/2024 04:56

Thankyou. Yes we own the house outright as joint tenants. I presume it's a 50/50 split as a result. He's out on bail and I haven't slept much. But thanks for your reply.

OP posts:
rwalker · 04/03/2024 05:07

Daleksatemyshed · 03/03/2024 17:54

You say you both own the house but do you own it outright? If it's mortgaged and you've paid for the last six years then you are entitled to a bigger share than him. Some solicitors will give you a free half hour- if you can find one then go, you need to know your legal position because I'm sure your Ex will be looking for a 50/50 split. If you split over DV then you need all the protection you and your DC can get- get the Non Mol just incase

Wrong it can be claimed op has had the advantage of sole occupation he’s had to pay for accommodation elsewhere
paying the mortgage doesn’t automatically give you anymore rights or a bigger share

Nicole1111 · 04/03/2024 06:54

You did the right thing. Get in touch with a local domestic abuse charity today so you can get one to one face to face support. They can also help with the non mol, as can the police, and support you emotionally while getting the house sold. Finally, please remember you aren’t the person you were when you were with him. You might feel like you are when you’re triggered but you’re not. Look how strong you’ve been in taking swift action to remove him once again. You can absolutely handle this most recent challenge and overcome it, because you’ve done this before and this time you’re stronger.

Original poster
bruisednotbroken24 · 04/03/2024 13:10

Thànk you all. I've been in touch with a domestic violence charity re the non mol/occupation order. I'll represent myself when the time comes, I was disappointed to hear it's no longer an immediate process. Last time, I went straight to court and it was sorted. Now, all support has been removed from court and you're given numbers where no one picks up. I've 30mins booked with a lawyer tomorrow regarding going for full custody.
You're right, the kids are a school today, so I've finally cried and got as much as I can sorted.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/03/2024 13:14

Where has he been for 6 years ?

Valhalla17 · 04/03/2024 13:14

Get the locks changed today op, unless you've done this already. It will help set your mind at rest that he can't get in. Sounds awful but you're definitely doing the right thing by sorting out a non mol order. Try to get a solicitor at least to get a 30min free chat, it will help just clarify everything for you and make sure you have all your ducks in a row....

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 04/03/2024 13:17

Valhalla17 · 04/03/2024 13:14

Get the locks changed today op, unless you've done this already. It will help set your mind at rest that he can't get in. Sounds awful but you're definitely doing the right thing by sorting out a non mol order. Try to get a solicitor at least to get a 30min free chat, it will help just clarify everything for you and make sure you have all your ducks in a row....

He got in by breaking a window last time. I don’t think changing the lock will stop him.

my relative recently got a non mol for something very similar. It was done very quickly on the day and he was served with it within a couple of days.

Valhalla17 · 04/03/2024 13:40

Oh gosh, sorry j must have misread how he got in ..need more coffee I expect! @AllThePotatoesAreSinging

myheadisaterribleplace · 04/03/2024 13:51

Valhalla17 · 04/03/2024 13:14

Get the locks changed today op, unless you've done this already. It will help set your mind at rest that he can't get in. Sounds awful but you're definitely doing the right thing by sorting out a non mol order. Try to get a solicitor at least to get a 30min free chat, it will help just clarify everything for you and make sure you have all your ducks in a row....

This.
Also, is there anywhere else that you could stay so that you and your children are safe? Living in fear will make you ill, and his actions and awful behaviour will affect you more when you are feeling vulnerable due to the worry and utter panic that you must be feeling.
Silly suggestion, I know, but have you managed to get the locks changed?
It's good that you have reported him to the police, that was a brave thing to do, and contacting women's aid is also a huge step.
He sounds like a dangerous man, please be careful xx

Original poster
bruisednotbroken24 · 04/03/2024 16:08

Thanks for the replies, I've booked a solicitor meeting for 30mins. He has been away from us all that time. I've had the locks changed years ago, it was my fault that the window was left open.
I suspect he broke a window back in December, which coincidentally happened when he got back in contact. (After 5 -6 years)The whole broken window made me fearful so I requested to have the house put on the market, so i could have a fresh start with the kids. He agreed, but just getting in and walking around the house, where he's made no contribution or contact feels so wrong.
I've been in contact with a charity for the non mol but it sounds like a very long process. I went to the court today to see if I could just go in and make an emergency request, but was turned away. So I have to wait for the documents to come through the post and then make an application. If anyone knows of a quicker way, I'd really appreciate it.

OP posts:
SickWithWorry123 · 04/03/2024 16:25

@bruisednotbroken24 you can apply online for a non mol, if it's approved they will put you in touch with a solicitor that will take it to court. You can get Legal Aid for it too, I think you need to earn under £2800 a month to qualify

SickWithWorry123 · 04/03/2024 16:27

@bruisednotbroken24 sorry, the website is CourtNav.org.uk

FictionalCharacter · 04/03/2024 16:40

bruisednotbroken24 · 04/03/2024 04:56

Thankyou. Yes we own the house outright as joint tenants. I presume it's a 50/50 split as a result. He's out on bail and I haven't slept much. But thanks for your reply.

He’s out on bail? Presumably not to do with the DV you mentioned? Because surely the bail conditions would then include not contacting you or going to the house.

Original poster
bruisednotbroken24 · 04/03/2024 18:39

Thanks for the link, I've submitted my case.
He's out on bail for the harassment charges. I have been assaulted by him in years. This seems to be a new campaign now centered around the house.

OP posts:
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