To feel like life has shit on me.

[CoconutSky]

My dad died when I was 18. My grandparents at 21 and 26. I have no siblings.

Im riddled with health anxiety. I was abused by my child’s father and financially I’m absolutely ruined. My best friend at the time left me in 2k worth of debt.
The abuse has left me a shell of the person I was, I have no friends, no social life, I’ve gained so much weight and I have 0 motivation to do anything.
I want a job in support work, I.e a refuge to provide the help I never recieved yet I have absolutely 0 idea how. I can’t go to university due to funding.

My council property is a disgrace, the people who have wronged me are thriving yet I’m picking up the pieces and I honestly don’t see the point anymore.

Is your mum still in your life? How old are your DC?
Have you spoken to a GP or sought any counselling?

DC is 4. My mums in my life but has utterly 0 sympathy for me in any aspect, typical narc, centralises herself.

I’ve had counselling for years and it just doesn’t seem to work

Your not being unreasonable, sounds like you've had a hard time for sure.
However, you are still here and have a child to keep going for.
You are worth more than letting these things beat you. You have been hurt by life and other peoples actions but don't let that this keep you at rock bottom, use it to pull yourself back.

Not sure if you post is asking for advice but start each day new, try and do something that is positive every day. Even if it's only, tidy a room or go out for a walk and add something to it each day. Build a new routine that takes action about the things you're not happy with.

It sounds like you’ve been through a great deal. I’m sorry you experienced all of that 😔 I hope you can find the courage to heal. It’s such a cliche but it works: “Feel it to heal it”. Hugs

Really sorry things are tough. My dad died when I was a similar age and I’m estranged from my siblings. I was financially ruined by my ex so I understand.

What do you mean you can’t go to university due to funding? If you mean you can’t afford to live on a maintenance loan, what about continuing to work while studying at the OU?

Look at volunteering opportunities in an area you’d like to go into, such as crisis work, helplines, mentoring, volunteering for support groups, women’s centres etc . It will be good for your MH, social life and CV.

I don't think you necessarily need university qualifications to be a support worker, depending on the type of role - there is some info here:

https://www.totaljobs.com/advice/support-worker-job-description

It's an amazing aspiration to want to help others in the way you should have been helped - I wish you success on this path

You want to be a support worker: if you were supporting somebody who had had a difficult life, very possibly more difficult than your own, how would you support them and what would you tell them? That life had shit on them and there was nothing they could do to make it better? Encourage their belief that they were just an eternal victim who couldn’t help themselves? Or identify starting points for improving their circumstances?

You don’t have to overhaul your entire life all at once: set yourself small weight loss goals, half a stone by the end of April, another half by the end of May, rather than feeling daunted at having to lose 15 stone or whatever. You don’t need to think about making an entire group of best friends right from the off: start small by joining a club or a social activity and focus on just talking to new people to improve your confidence and social skills. Look at volunteering with a charity which supports people who’ve shared some of your experiences: it will be a bonus on your CV when you do decide to study for a qualification or break into the support sector for work.

You sound understandably depressed. Have you explored this with your GP?

If you could change one thing where would you start? You’ve been through so much and are so resilient. Maybe focus on one thing at a time and work your way through these problems one at a time. In a year you could have made some real difference. In two years a huge one.

You're going to need to take this slowly. Have you spoken to National Careers Service? They can help you prep your CV and then volunteer for a support worker job. After that you could get a paid position.

Any chance of moving/swapping if you don't like where you are?

Anything which brings you happiness at present like walking or cooking? There might be a coffee morning near you to start talking to new people.

the people who have wronged me are thriving

So long as you allow these people to live rent free in your head, and in the process squander all of your emotional energy on your resentment of them, you won't have any energy left for yourself. Draw a line under the past and move forward in spite of your anger.

I'm sorry you've been hurt, and I know how hard it is to move past it, but we are all responsible for how we choose to live, no matter what we've gone through, and no one's current reality is unchangeable. You absolutely have the power to make changes and improve. Start right now and do something that needs to be done. Clean the kitchen, clean the bathroom, whatever. The point is that you have to take real action to make a difference in your life, and no one else can do it for you. Make the choice to be a good role model for your child.

Okay …

Brutally …

Motivation for losing weight - your parent died when you were 18; you don’t want your child to go through the same of you can help it, surely?

More positively - you want to be able to go on long walks and bike rides with them as they grow - so it’s worth getting fit enough to do that. Isn’t it?

I don’t think you need to be a support worker. You’ve suffered enough misery. Let other people take that job on. Surely there’s something joyful and sunlight-y that you’d like to achieve or experience?

Learning a new language?
Singing in a choir?
Winning the parents’ egg and spoon race on Sports Day?
Putting up a shelf?
Travelling to a country you’ve always wanted to visit?

How might you go about taking the first step to doing something that would delight you?

Regardless - there is a 4 year old in the world who knows for certain that you are the best person in the whole history of the world.

And countless MN readers who want you to succeed.

BTW - you might find the Mature Study and Retraining board worth a browse now and then …

Do you have Mh issues? Anxiety, depression, any issues with impulse control etc? I don’t know where you live but in my area you could get a GP referral to a local mental health team who can refer you to a peer coach. These people can help you make baby steps with motivation and set targets. They can then refer you on to support services for vocational type advice. These things would make such a difference to someone in your situation. They are fab at helping people like you, who are clearly bright with much to offer, but life has let them down in some way.

Please Google peer coaches and support services. We are luckier in London with this kind of thing but I hope there is something near you x

I’ve had counselling for years and it just doesn’t seem to work

I'm genuinely asking, what did you think counselling would do for you and how did you think it would work? Counselling in and of itself doesn't effect change. You have to put into effect the tools you have learned during counselling to make a difference. There really is no magic bullet for fixing your life, for any of us. It's a series of choices you have to make followed by action.

Just seen you have health anxiety. That enough to get a referral for a peer coach or support worker where I am. Please google tonight.

If you can get childcare you can definitely get a job in support work. Plenty available with different hours. Flexibility is one of the best things about the sector. Just think about the client group you would like to work with. It would introduce you to new colleagues - so increased social interaction and build confidence and skills. Uni can come later or could maybe even be done via OU - but I would think about that later -
especially as your dc is still so young.

You sound so down - small steps.

Echo @Shutting's advice about peer support, employment support etc through GP/NHS. I don't know if these services exist everywhere but where I am you can self refer for a range of support services.

Volunteering could be a good first step to build your confidence and gain some experience in the field you want to work in.

I'm so sorry you've had such a shit time

I understand how you feel about counselling. To me, it felt as though I was regurgitating the same old crap time and time again.
Have you considered antidepressants at all? They are by no means a cure-all but what they do is give you the kick up the arse you need to start helping yourself. Imagine you were stuck at the bottom of a well. You couldn't get yourself out but a rope ladder will enable you to climb out. You have to put in the work and climb but it's a way out. Antidepressants are like that rope ladder.