To be worried about ex's behaviour towards DS

[kcchiefette]

I have a 7 year old DS. He has additional needs as he is ASD diagnosed and struggles mostly with social skills and is developmentally delayed by about 1 year.

We split when DS was 2 because he was becoming increasingly volatile towards me and abusive. He hit me, verbally and psychologically wore me down and I had enough.

I never once stopped contact with DS as he never displayed any anger etc towards him and was a good dad overall.

The co-parenting journey has been tough as the abuse has remained throughout. I have frequently received verbal abuse throughout the last 5 years and police have been involved with blackmail and threats etc, so he had a restraining order for 2 years.

That 2 years had passed and it has calmed down considerably but the narcisstic behaviours will always remain.

DS had a really great week with me. He got 2 certificates at school, he didnt have any meltdowns and seemed well balanced. He went to his dads on Friday and Saturday night and I received a call this morning before I was due to pick him up saying that our child behaved "truly awful" all weekend.

I tried to explain to him that he may have been cranky as he's had constipation recently, and his dad got him a new pet hamster (so this will be a change that can exacerbate ASD symptoms)

Apparently I dont parent him properly or "punish" him. Apparently he's just a horrible brat who will end up getting beat up on day and "it'll serve him right". I can hear DS crying and screaming in the background, begging me to pick him up, which was distressing, so I was there within 15 minutes to pick him up.

I was greeted to scenes of my ex storming around the garden, my ex MIL telling him to stop behaving like that and then he proceeded to kick a wall.

I got out and got DS as he stood in the doorway and didnt want to come out to the car. My ex MIL said DS and his dad had been "fighting all weekend" and I said "yeah, well, DS is 7 years old and his dad is 34. Why on earth would a 34 year old fight and bicker constantly with a 7 year old?"

She agreed and said ex has a horrible temper and attitude.

Meanwhile, his new gf is standing witnessing all of this. Luckily, they dont have kids atm.

Since DS has been back home, he has been absolutely fine. No cheekiness, no shouting, no bad behaviour. My ex called to ask had our DS calmed down and was he OK.

I have told him, yes he's fine. Apparently I am a liar.

AIBU to be concerned about this and considering reevaluating visitation etc? I am not sure if it would stand withdrawing any contact etc?

Also DS adores his dad despite all this and said he cant wait to see him tomorrow?!

I am autistic myself and have 3 autistic children. You are not being unreasonable to be concerned. Could your ex also be autistic? It is not an excuse for his behaviour, but might explain some of the apparently selfish and aggressive behaviour. Maladaptive behaviours can develop as a result of undiagnosed autism. In any case, your son should not have to be put in this situation.

It sounds like your ex (autistic or not) could do with support in how to manage your son and his behaviour. His visitation rights should be re-evaluated if he does not get this support for himself. Your ex needs to have more self-awareness to know what his triggers are and he also needs to understand your son's triggers as well.

It is good that your son does not dread being with his dad, but that could be that some autistic people live in the moment and are unable to predict the possible future behaviour of others. It makes those of us with this trait more vulnerable.

These are just a few of my thoughts. I hope you can work something out in everyone's best interests.

Me and his dad were both offered testing also as a genetic component. I was found to have ADHD (which explains a LOT of my past struggles). His dad refused testing so its not known but always have thought he had something underlying.

I have ADHD diagnosed as well as autism. Before I knew I had either condition, although I never had extreme problems with anger management like your ex, I did have huge problems with emotional disregulation. Because I didn't understand myself and my needs, I felt so frustrated at myself - and also my children when they displayed behaviours that reminded me of myself. I became a lot more patient when I developed a better understanding of myself and them. Everything is so much calmer in my house now!

I think every parent needs to do this work of understanding their own traits, neurodivergent or not, otherwise patterns of destructive behaviour can be passed on. You seem to have taken responsibility by reflecting on your own traits, but your ex needs to do the same. Unfortunately many people never do this.