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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DH about stepson

24 replies

jtdigital · 02/03/2024 23:43

My stepson is 18 and lives with us full time and he has done for years. I have a close relationship with him and he often comes to me when he doesn't feel he can talk to DH.

Last year he was found to have weed on him at college. He was given a warning that if it happened again he would be kicked out. We didn't know anything about it but he said he was just doing it to fit in with his friends and he promised to stop. In the summer we found out he’d been taking painkillers without needing them. DH didn't react very well and shouted at him, calling him stupid etc. I spoke to him and he said he'd been taking them on and off for a few months but he didn't know why.

We tried to get him to go to the GP but he refused and said he was fine and agreed to stop taking them. At the start of January he came to me with a box with a few missing and asked me to get rid of them because he'd taken a few (3 or 4) and didn't want to take anymore. I tried to speak to him but all he said was taking them helps him concentrate on things. He still refused to go to the GP but I promised not to tell DH because stepson didn't want DH to turn it into a big deal.

I had a message from his girlfriend this afternoon and she told me she was worried about him as he stayed at her house last night and she went in his bag for something and found 2 boxes (one open with some missing and a new one) of painkillers and when she asked him if he was ok he shouted at her and accused her of going through his things. He then was acting off with her.

I've not spoken to him yet but I plan to tomorrow. But I'm unsure about whether I should tell DH first. I am worried about how he will react and about how I agreed with SS not to tell him but it was before I knew about this.

WIBU to break SS’s trust and tell him?

OP posts:

Thro · 02/03/2024 23:54

What painkillers is he taking?

Icantbedoingwithit · 02/03/2024 23:56

Codeine?

cestlavielife · 02/03/2024 23:56

Couple of paracetamol?
Or something stronger?

Comfysock · 03/03/2024 00:02

Intervene now.
DS friend die last year...combination of drugs and strong painkillers ...latter to make him drozey and sleep as the drugs make you hyper and unable to come down I was told thats why they take them.
He took too many by accident after a night out/heavy session.

He needs help now

Teeturtle · 03/03/2024 00:06

I am not really sure that it matters at this point what particular painkillers they are. The point is that this looks like the start of an addiction (addict posting here).

As he is over 18, I would be inclined to speak to him first but tell him that you cannot keep secrets from your DH. I fear that if you tell DH first he might kick off and then DSS will start keeping it secret from both of you. The bit of good news that I can see in your post, is that he recognised there is a problem and came to you and said he doesn’t want to take them.

Original poster

jtdigital · 03/03/2024 00:20

It's usually been co-codamol but his girlfriend said one of the boxes was just paracetamol. I know I shouldn't have kept the secret from DH previously but I was proud of SS for giving them to me and choosing not to take them, I was worried telling DH would make him not want to come to me

OP posts:

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 03/03/2024 00:23

Please don’t tell your DH right now. Not yet. It’s a real blessing that your DSS speaks with you.
Talk to him first. See what help you can get him but he will need to want to quit. You can’t do it for him (I’m the mother of an addict and it is soul destroying, you have all my sympathy).

Gymnopedie · 03/03/2024 00:25

But I'm unsure about whether I should tell DH first. I am worried about how he will react and about how I agreed with SS not to tell him but it was before I knew about this.

WIBU to break SS’s trust and tell him?

SS broke your trust first. He's promised he won't do it again and then has. I don't intend to be mean but you do sound like you're slightly proud of the fact that SS will speak to you when he won't speak to his father.

You've given him a chance and he's not taken it. And it shouldn't be you and him vs his dad. Keeeping secrets isn't good in a relationship. By all means try to mediate if you feel DH is being totally OTT, but make sure that you respect the views of both of them not just DSS.

FirstTimeMum897 · 03/03/2024 00:26

Yes, tell DH. Painkillers can be quite addictive and it's a slippery slope. It's a very serious thing happening to your DSS and your DH needs to be involved.

Cocodamol has codeine which makes you drowsy and helps you sleep. It can be addictive taken long term. He could be taking other stuff during the day that give him energy and then using the codeine to come down. Or it helps with his anxiety and helps him sleep.

I had to take codeine for almost a year because of an accident. I loved it at first, I'm a very anxious overthinker and codeine really helped me sleep with fewer side effects than sleeping pills. It was scary in a way. The effect wore off soon though and they didn't have much effect on me after a while. So he could be upping his dose or just can't stop.

DodgeDoggie · 03/03/2024 00:28

Does he know why they are bad for him? Long term. Are there other ways he could focus? A coffee before studying? Decluttered study space? Does he have undiagnosed ADHD? Is it better to get a private assessment (faster) and look at medication for adhd.

Possibly the Frank website might have factual information about pain killers?

Caerulea · 03/03/2024 00:29

Talk to your stepson first, he must trust you & feel less judged by you. The way DH dealt with it the other times is the very worst way to handle it, it achieves nothing & often the opposite. It seems SS is already ashamed of himself, shaming him further is just a bad call.

Talk to him, he needs help cos this is more than just recreational drugs use - he's self medicating & the Why is very very important to knowing the next steps. Explain that you need to talk to DH & REASSURE him. You will help him as a team.

Then talk to DH with DSS out of the house (so he can't just storm off to yell at him) making it clear his previous approach is unacceptable & will just cause more harm. His son needs help. He needs to know he's safe to be vulnerable with you both & want to accept that help.

No shouting. No insults. Just understanding & listening.

AutumnFroglets · 03/03/2024 00:33

Get DSS to make a GP appointment first. The worry about overdosing paracetamol, even slightly, is what it is doing to his liver. He could be causing irreparable damage to his organs so he really needs to do this soon.

If he won't then you are going to have to involve his father.

DodgeDoggie · 03/03/2024 00:33

I’d probably not tell DH right now.

In a couple of weeks Id sit him down however and explain that you’ve something to tell him but you’ll only do it if he has the capacity to remain calm and supportive and not have a pop at people.

DodgeDoggie · 03/03/2024 00:38

You could also say to SS in a couple of weeks that you’re sorry, you hate breaking his trust but because it’s a safeguarding issue and his health is at stake and because you love him deeply, you’ll need to let DH know but you’ll be very firm with DH about the need to be supportive and calm. Can SS let you know how he finds DHs interactions

DodgeDoggie · 03/03/2024 00:41

You could also explain to DH that his reactions mean that people struggle to tell him important things and ask how he can be more receptive

maddening · 03/03/2024 00:51

Telling dh about this is not breaking his trust as on this occasion he has not told you nor sworn you to secrecy - he has been unpleasant enough to his gf that she called you and was worried about him- it is affecting his behaviour towards people around him and is a worrying pattern indicating addiction - you would be better talking to dh so dh is able to digest the news and agree an approach rather than react emotionally to the news in front on dss,

You need to find a way to approach dh and do it imo - it may be upsetting for him but this calls for him to tackle it with his son in a level headed manner if he wants any chance of getting through to dss and tackling the issue.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 03/03/2024 00:52

I think talk to stepson first but within 24 hours and tell him he needs to tell his dad and see a GP

If he doesn’t tell his dad within a week you tell DH

As much as you want DSS to trust you , it’s more important right now he gets help asap so you are looking after him even if you do break his trust

Testina · 03/03/2024 00:59

I would lose my absolute shit at my husband if he failed to tell me this about our joint child - let alone one that was his and not actually mine (no matter how long you’d be involved, or how loving and close the relationship). Properly into to divorce territory. Perhaps your husband isn’t like me. But I would be devastated at that, and really angry.

So yes, I’d tell him.

I hope you can both support the boy through this.

Divastrout · 03/03/2024 01:04

Teeturtle · 03/03/2024 00:06

I am not really sure that it matters at this point what particular painkillers they are. The point is that this looks like the start of an addiction (addict posting here).

This

StaunchMomma · 03/03/2024 02:28

You do realise Co-Codomol is addictive, right? It's also only available on prescription, so where is he getting them?

I think you need to stop protecting DSS from a telling off and start thinking about what will happen if he ends up seriously harming himself, or worse, and his Dad finds out you've known for ages and kept it to yourself.

Yes, he's 18, but he needs someone to intervene and it doesn't sound like that's going to be you. He needs real help with a problem, not help covering that problem up.

Riverlee · 03/03/2024 04:19

I used to work in a surgery. co-codamol is addictive. . We used to have patients who would regularly say they’d lost them to get extra.

Pinkfrlls · 03/03/2024 06:21

Your stepson is an addict. Wanting to quit or telling you that he is going to quit means nothing when dealing with an addiction. You are dangerously naive to think otherwise. You should tell your husband and get the boy professional help rather than your do gooding secret keeping. Hopefully your husband can pull himself together enough to realise his son needs help rather than an abusive lecture.

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 03/03/2024 08:48

StaunchMomma · 03/03/2024 02:28

You do realise Co-Codomol is addictive, right? It's also only available on prescription, so where is he getting them?

Yes, he's 18, but he needs someone to intervene and it doesn't sound like that's going to be you. He needs real help with a problem, not help covering that problem up.

Edited

Wrong. You can by them OTC (albeit weaker dose)

StaunchMomma · 03/03/2024 11:20

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 03/03/2024 08:48

Wrong. You can by them OTC (albeit weaker dose)

Show quote history

Christ, really? I didn't know that.

They can be so dangerous and what's to stop those with an addition doubling/trebling doses for greater effect?

Scary stuff.

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