To be disappointed in my friend

[Contraversialcate]

Great friend of 22 years, has always had MH issues and recently divorced at 41 w/o kids (part of the reason - tried and didn’t work for them). She’s godmother to my DD2 who has a genetic condition and life has been hard for our family. She has flaked out of other events and I don’t mind, but for DD3 christening I was really hoping she’d make it - mostly to support me as she knows family dynamics are difficult. She routinely tells me I am her best friend and an amazing support to her and I know I have been. I also said that there is no pressure from me to come to christening - I don’t want to force her to feel uncomfortable/ sad / lonely. A few close mutual friends are also coming and there are other separated couples / friends without children coming - she isn’t the only one.

AIBU to wish she could come tho? I have said I understand that she can’t come - I haven’t said I wish that she could

YANBU - to be disappointed that she can’t come and it’s ok to tell her I wish she could
YABU - to expect that she could put my needs (for her support) ahead of her own feelings for one day.

Well, why don't you tell her you would really like her to come? If you don't tell her, how will she know?

If all she hears is "it's OK, don't come if you don't want to" she might feel that you were encouraging her not to come.

Say "Delores, I appreciate it might be tricky for you, but if you can I would really, really love you to come"

If you have mutual friends, maybe they could pick her up?

Why did you tell her that? You want her to come, nay, you need her to come! Has she said she won't? If she has not much you can do - but if she hasn't yet I'd call her and say you really hope she can come as she's such an important part of your family.

I certainly don’t think yabu to want her there, but I think it depends on her mental health. Has she flaked? Or has she not been able to bring herself to go out of the front door? If it’s the former, then she’s not a particularly good friend. If it’s the latter, then I think there are some things that you need to accept when you’re friends with someone like this, even though it’s unfair and very often one sided.

I might be lacking imagination but I don’t understand why a friend needs to be at a christening for support, especially one that might not be in a good enough place to provide it.

I have voted yabu because it sounds as if you’ve made it very clear to her that you don’t mind whether she’s there or not.

you can’t then be annoyed if she takes you at your word.

If you want her there, tell her. I couldn't have cared less if friends didn't turn up to my kids' christenings, they just weren't those type of affairs. Does she know it's important to you?

As someone who's had fertility issues and struggled with mental health in the past, I can completely see why attending a christening could be really, really difficult for your friend. Being around babies, especially in family focused settings, is very hard. If you said to her no pressure to come, she may well have felt relieved and taken you at your word. I think it's a bit unfair of you to say that and then be annoyed she's not coming.

It's very hard for people who have families of their own to understand the pain of those who are unwillingly childless.

Thanks all. Appreciate your thoughts - it’s not really straight forward so I don’t think I can change it as it stands - she isn’t coming and I’ve said that’s ok. I haven’t said I would love her to come as I think she would interpret that as me pressurising her

Not sure why you are hosting a Christening that you are not comfortable attending.

50/50 split pretty much! It is a tricky one!

You’ve given her an opt out clause and she’s taken it. Maybe these sort of occasions are too much for her. If you wanted her there, then you should have said so, or at least not given her the option if not coming.