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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stag do abroad with a newborn

104 replies

Andrfja95 · 02/03/2024 17:21

My partner and I are expecting our first baby at the beginning of May. My partners best friend announced a couple of months ago that him and his fiance have booked their wedding for July and he will be having his stag do abroad in early June.

My partner casually dropped into conversation a few weeks ago that they've booked to go abroad for a few days for the stag do. He didn't sit down and discuss it with me prior, just said that they've already booked it. I'm not controlling in the slightest and had this have been a time where we wouldn't have a child to look after, I wouldn't have cared that it wasn't discussed with me. We have two dogs together and often go off with our friends individually for weekends at a time and it's never been an issue, but it's different now as we will have a child.

If I go over my due date, our child will be a couple of weeks old when he's due to go out. I live two hours away from my family, his family live locally. Although I get on well with his family, if I'm struggling after giving birth, I wouldn't feel comfortable asking them to come over and help me with looking after the baby and myself.

When I addressed this with him, he said he couldn't see how he's done anything wrong as it's only going to be for two days. Yes, I could go and stay with my family but I don't really want to be away from my home just to have some support when our child is so young.

I don't know what I'm more annoyed about, the fact he didn't see the need to discuss it with me first or ask how I felt about it or that he's happy to leave his newborn so young. If the stag had been booked before I found out we were pregnant, that would be a totally different story but it was booked when I was 6 months gone and he knows when our due date is and that there's a chance I could go over.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LIZS · 02/03/2024 17:25

Yes selfish and not understanding how life and priorities change post baby. Could your family come to you fir a few days?

Thisisnotarehearsal · 02/03/2024 17:26

He's an absolute selfish prick.

Imagine if you have a traumatic birth, or are recovering from an emergency section or have PND. Or the baby isn't sleeping, or isn't feeding due to a tongue tie. Or a million other things.

Looks like yet another man who is going to assume the mother is the default parent and his life doesn't need to change one iota.

Also incredibly disrespectful to not discuss it first,

HTruffle · 02/03/2024 17:27

Yes, very selfish and I’d be fuming.

Overthebow · 02/03/2024 17:29

I think it’s fine as along as he understands that he will have to stay if you or the baby are unwell after the birth. If you have a straightforward birth and baby is on time then it will be fine for a couple of days. If baby is late or there are complications and long hospital stay then he will have to miss it. If he is fine with that then that’s ok.

Helabel1 · 02/03/2024 17:32

YANBU. I would be absolutely fuming. It's incredibly selfish to be prioritising a drunken weekend with his mates over his wife and new born baby.

Hostilehabitat · 02/03/2024 17:34

I would not be happy with this at all and I’ve been encouraging my husband to go away when I’m 35 weeks pregnant! Can he honestly not see the issue/doesn’t he want to be around to support you and spend time with baby? It’s not boding well for the type of parent he’s going to be in my opinion.

Hostilehabitat · 02/03/2024 17:36

It’s also going to be extremely difficult if not impossible for you to travel 2 hours to see family on your own with a newborn! Does he not understand that?

doodlepants · 02/03/2024 17:39

If my husband had gone away after few weeks after birth he would have come back to a very different, very broken person. I was the last person anyone would have thought would have had PND and yet it happened. Birth was awful and I was still reeling from it, my baby had undiagnosed CMPA that produced projectile vomit 2-3 times a day and she never slept for more than an hour. I would have crumbled left alone in those conditions. Even if you have a perfect newborn and easy birth I think you'd be surprised how much resentment it might breed between you if he's off drinking in the sun with the lads and you're left alone with a newborn to struggle.

He can't go. He will realise that as soon as the baby is born.

Good luck to you and I hope reality hits him BEFORE the birth.

sleepyscientist · 02/03/2024 17:39

Hostilehabitat · 02/03/2024 17:36

It’s also going to be extremely difficult if not impossible for you to travel 2 hours to see family on your own with a newborn! Does he not understand that?

I wouldn't have had a problem with this, in reality he is going to be back at work by that point anyway. DH worked 12 hour shifts so was gone all day and too tired to really help all night so days. Make sure he stocks the fridge and agrees to do the house work when he gets back. Set your self up a little nest in the living room with a decent box set. I would also plan a girls weekend for next year that he kid sits.

NoKnit · 02/03/2024 18:40

I agree I don't see the big deal. Yes of course if you have a bad birth or PND and are struggling for whatever reason then he has to pull out. But just assume you'll be fine and 2 nights isn't a big deal. Newborn few weeks are totally different to leaving you for 2 nights with say a 1 and 3 year old.

It's fine. Yes he should have asked first but let's be fair he probably just didn't think and once baby is here and he sees the amount of work it is he won't be arranging trips without checking with you first for sure.

Tomatoketchupred · 02/03/2024 18:42

What if you have to have a c section?! This is all kinds of selfish and personally wouldn’t want to be with a man who wanted to leave me and newborn like that. I don’t get it 🤷🏻‍♀️. Sorry not much advice other than leave him, he’s selfish.

WhateverMate · 02/03/2024 18:43

I'd be fine with 2 days but he should definitely have discussed it with you first.

pikkumyy77 · 02/03/2024 18:47

Having a baby is not a solo experience! You aren’t summitting everest without oxygen or sherpas for the glory of it. You are in a team and the team needs to be present during the climb. Ignore the stupid chill girls with their advice about how he can “stock the fridge”—what bullshit. The child’s father has a job of work to do as support staff.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 02/03/2024 18:48

This would have been a dealbreaker for me. Your first child is new territory, totally unknown and I was terrified. If dh decided to fuck off away on a piss up without even considering this I would have ltb. He is being completely unreasonable and I’m very surprised that his friend haven’t raised an eyebrow. Are you the first in his group to have dc?

misskatamari · 02/03/2024 18:52

wtf?!? This man is going to be a father in doesn’t think he should be checking with the soon to be mother of his newborn child if it’s okay to fuck off on holiday? I would be so angry at his utter disregard for you and his responsibilities. I would be having serious words about this and be on the look out for any more selfish, shirking, manchild behaviour as this isn’t okay in a partner

Northsideoftheriver · 02/03/2024 18:54

What the actual fuck?
Hope you're ok

LivingColour · 02/03/2024 18:55

Fine with the two days.

The exact opposite of fine that he didn’t discuss it with you first.

justaboutdonenow · 02/03/2024 18:55

What an absolute prince.

NothingVenturedAndAllThat · 02/03/2024 18:56

Well, if he doesn't see the issue he won't see the issue when you don't come home the night before he's due to leave and stay out until after the flight.

No need to discuss the child's needs. You can assume just as he did that he'll watch the baby, regardless of any plans he might have had to the contrary.

Right?

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 02/03/2024 18:56

This scenario comes up a lot on MN unfortunately. I'd be shocked if he even stocked the fridge.

justaboutdonenow · 02/03/2024 18:58

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 02/03/2024 18:56

This scenario comes up a lot on MN unfortunately. I'd be shocked if he even stocked the fridge.

I hope it's just overrepresented on MN, because the thought of a lot of the stuff I see men doing to their families on here being as commonplace IRL is truly depressing.

Twistingskies · 02/03/2024 19:01

Wow, I can’t believe he booked it without talking to you.

Bloody hell I thought my DH was a git for going to London a few days before my due date and I don’t think he was even having a drink, we also only live 90 mins from London.

Hostilehabitat · 02/03/2024 19:01

I expect you will get a lot of ‘cool mums’ saying they wouldn’t have an issue with this as well but if it’s your first baby you might be feeling completely blindsided/overwhelmed two weeks post-birth.

Cantalever · 02/03/2024 19:01

He is either totally selfish, completely thick or doesn't have a clue about the shared responsibility of being a parent, particularly of a newborn. He should be there to support you and the baby, not piss off abroad. Show him this thread OP - maybe he will see sense. Flowers

Sunshineclouds11 · 02/03/2024 19:04

I'd be fine with it tbh, annoyed he didn't say first I agree.

Could your mum/dad come to you?

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