To checkout of my marriage?

[Pumba3]

I will never be a priority in my husbands life but we have 4 kids and it would break my heart to subject them to a divorce but am I being unreasonable to just emotionally check out of this relationship?

YABU simply because staying in a damaging relationship (‘ checking out’ included as I think that’s impossible to do - the resentment will still be there) is unfair on the children. Children know when their parents aren’t happy - even young ones - and that sort of environment can ruin a childhood.

Sometimes divorce is the best option.

I know that you are right but I’m so scared, I’m not sure I have the strength to go on.

Of course you can check out! And that is a healthy reaction if your spouse is not emotionally engaged in the marriage. You are not here on this earth to do the emotional work for other people and get nothing in return.

If the relationship is an emotional one-way street you are not obliged to keep pouring in emotional energy while getting nothing or not much back.

Instead of pouring your energy into an emotional black hole you can bring the focus onto your self- your needs, desires, goals and the growth you want for yourself as an individual. If you can grow for yourself while still in the marriage you will become happier and stronger (which is great for your children to see too). Either he might respond by growth of his own, or you will outgrow the marriage and you can decide what to do then.

If it is not possible for you to grow and develop confidence within the marriage then you are likely in an abusive dynamic (emotional/psychological abuse can be hard to detect), and you may need to leave the relationship first, then focus on yourself as part of your healing.

I don’t think YABU if you feel it won’t make a difference, and staying as a couple is easier than separating?
Do you feel neglected by your husband?

Relationships with animosity are damaging to children, if you are arguing or giving each other the silent treatment then yes, better to divorce.

But if it is the sort of situation where you could cohabit peacefully, albeit unemotionally, until the children are grown, then there’s nothing wrong in staying for the sake of ease and stability.

It doesn’t always damage the children, if you are careful. My childhood best friend’s parents split up the summer after she graduated from uni, it was a total shock to her, she had no idea things weren’t OK between them.

Why are you not any sort of priority?

Is he a workaholic or does he just go out all the time, what exactly is it?

I’m divorced and it isn’t easy but I don’t think staying in a checked out marriage is sustainable. Resentment will kick in. I know you don’t want to hurt the children but it’s not really setting a positive example either is it?

Here are my thoughts for what they are worth

Firstly this is the rest of your life. I know women who know they are in unhappy marriage at 45 and persist onto 65 and then decide to stay because it feels too hard and how many years does the husband really have left?

Secondly think hard about your circumstances and then ask yourself what advice would you give your child if they were in the same situation and then do that.

And lastly, talk honestly and brutally to your husband. What would it take to repair and have a happy life and is he / are you together, capable of this?

ps your children won’t be heartbroken. They’ll be heartbroken if they are visiting you on your deathbed knowing you had a miserable life

Ps my parents divorced when I was young it was not a problem. Vast majority of my friends grew up in mum only homes, again never a problem. Talk to your children and explain how life works they will understand

Thank you all so much for your advice. I’m just so confused. Life is tough at the minute (husband has lost his job and my work is busy). I’m trying to be supportive by taking responsibility for all other aspects of our lives (childcare/housework etc) so he can concentrate of job hunting and I mean it when I say I don’t mind. However, It is not acknowledged and when we had his mum to visit he was frantic because I wasn’t making spending time listening to her myriad of moans and complaints and I got the silent treatment until that is he wanted sex. He is also acting as a shoulder to cry on to his family/friends (his brother/mother/ call ALL the time and demand a lot of energy) but if I want some support my issues are diminished/dismissed. This isn’t new, it’s been going on for way too long and I feel like a nobody (I even feel stupid and petty to feel this way, why can’t I just get on with things?). Sorry this is such a bloomin mosn

Yeah ok so you are the servant. I’ve seen this before there is a word for it -someone clever will come along and say it. Basically he feels good about himself helping his mum / brother etc and it’s a ego stroke for him to help others outside the house, but when it comes to you - you are expected to be the servant and make his life run never complain never have needs.

think hard about what this means for your life AND what your sons and daughters are learning from this servant mother wife model

It’s good to have a moan - it helps to get your thoughts in order. Can you see things changing when he goes back to work? And have you told him how you feel?
If you aren’t sure which path to take, couples counselling can help you work it out and see if there’s any way to ‘save’ the marriage - and if not how to part ways with the least drama and resentment .

What a miserable family OP. Why are you choosing to stay with him, that's what you should be asking yourself.

I guess part of me wonders if I am the problem (I’m not perfect but I think I’m a nice person?). I’m emotionally exhausted but I’m lucky that my friends and family are such positive souls although I just feel miserable compared to them x

Because you’ve been treated like a servant you’ll have some level of low self esteem now, and you’ll have be conditioned via his behaviour to think you are part of the problem. It doesn’t really matter whether you are actually part of the problem or not - assigning blame is interesting but not helpful. What matters is how you live your life.

If you check out, you will damage yourself and your children.

Divorce. Do the right thing.

You were his priority has he were yours.
But when you have kids they become the priority in the marriage.
Your still his number one but you may not feel it so much with a busy house hold.
Maybe have a chat together and fix a few nights out together.
But if you are really unhappy dont wait for things to get better to be happy.
Do you still love your husband are you in love with him It would be the first thing I'd ask myself.
If the answer is no then you know what you have to do.

If you are trying to be supportive by doing all housework/childcare and a full time job and he isn't appreciating it then there are other options before you move to divorce.

As he's lost his job he does have time at the moment and so it would be perfectly reasonable to say to him that you want to support him in job hunting but he needs to contribute to the family by doing housework and or childcare.

I'd suggest having that conversation before moving to divorce.

I wouldn't stay in your situation. Quite frankly, you hold all the cards and you could have a much happier life either alone without his demands on you or with someone who appreciated you.

I think two people can coexist in a checked-out marriage but two things are necessary for this - 1) mutual respect, and 2) low demands. So it doesn't work where there is contempt or where the parties are making huge demands on each other like childcare/chores and especially sex. Checked-out marriages only really work where two people have grown apart romantically/emotionally but still appreciate the other's contribution. Not where there is an imbalance.

You sound emotionally exhausted, check out for a while and take care of yourself, tell him you are emotionally exhausted so he knows what is going on….when you feel recharged revisit this and things might seem better

Oh OP, please leave him. You have the potential for real happiness without him. He has sucked the life out of you, I bet you are a shadow of who you used to be.

I don’t understand at all why you’d be doing all the childcare/housework while he is out of work??

Looking for a job is a job but it’s not usually as full on as actually having one, especially if yours is busy.

He should be doing more at home, not less, while he can.

It sounds miserable and you both sound checked out.

If you do decide to stay for a few years (because of housing/kids) then for heavens sake stop martyring yourself right now.

Personally I’d gather all your financials, go see a solicitor and see how a separation would shake down. If you think the financial situation would be impossible, then at least set a clear date in your head to leave.

I have done that ages ago.
Good for me! 👍

I don't believe that you think you are the problem.

You know his behaviour is completely out of order and that you've been facilitating it.

And yet you chose to have 4 children with him and continue to live like this.

If you want change, you have to make a change. If not, well, you all continue to suffer.