To not want to co parent with my abuser

[orangeleopard]

There is so much to say but I have a four year old son with my ex who I split with during pregnancy because of his abuse as he was threatening to set me on fire and all sorts. He chose to have minimal contact with our son (every other weekend), and some weeks I don’t hear from him until he sees our child again. Other weeks like this week, he’s been basically harassing me. I get a message multiple times a day, every day where he’s not only asking about our son, but asking how I am. My birthday was recent and he still continues to have that control of ruining my birthday like he did when we were together by starting a random argument and harassment. As stated, he can go multiple weeks without communication but when he wants to, he wants a reply instantly and sends multiple messages until I respond. He also stalks my WhatsApp status and as soon as I’m online (maybe three times a day), he sends me messages there and then.

most people leave their abuser and don’t have to see them again which means they are enabled to heal. I have to deal with my abuser just because we have a child together. It makes me stressed and panicked on a daily basis. I have cptsd from his abuse and he has rubbed it in saying ‘because we have a child; you have to deal with me for life’. I’m doing everything appropriately, he sends me a message asking how our child is and I respond formally. He asks how I am, I ignore him until he asks about our child again. But it’s too much, I cannot cope with being miserable and being stressed everytime I’m in communication with him. To be the best person and parent I want to be - I don’t want to communicate with him any longer.

Then seek legal advice you chose to have a child with then they don't just vanish because you want then too

If you have genuine issues then go through the proper legal channels

Create an email address specifically for him, check it whenever is convenient for YOU.

And then block him everywhere else.

Was the abuse reported at all? Would it be possible to get a no-contact order?

Block him on all forms of contact and provide him with one email address and tell him that you will only check is say once a week for example before contact is due. Or get a second phone and give him only that number and it lives in a drawer until you want it out and then that way when he has your he's still able to contact you in an emergency

And only respond to emails that directly concern your child. Delete the others ❤️

Did you report the abuse?
And turn off your WhatsApp status there's absolutely no need to have that on.

sorry for what you’ve been through OP.

Is the child care arrangement a formal one ordered by the courts?

You are not obliged to be in WhatsApp contact with this man and you can block him within the app from being able to see your online status.

Many people in your position choose to only have contact via email and then only check the emails as/when necessary and not in between.

If he is harassing and threatening you, you absolutely must log this, every time and get the police involved.

You can switch off whether you are shown online to him or not on Whatsapp.

You can also mute/block him so his messages don't show up in your notifications and you can read them at a time convenient to you.

You can ask for any contact to be through a 3rd party and block him all together?

Smacks of victim blaming.

It's recognised that abuse often doesn't start until pregnancy. Women don't have a crystal ball.

Thank you for all of your replies. To answer some of your questions, we do have a court order. The court order is another thing, where he asked for every other weekend and midweek contact on a Wednesday. I think he asked for that contact to look good, as a month after getting that order, he refused to have the Wednesday contact and changed the every other weekend on the Friday from 4pm/school pick up to 6.30-7pm to suit him when he finishes work.

I did report the abuse when I was pregnant numerous times. If anyone has been through it, it’s so hard to get help when they make ‘threats’ and they only help when it’s too late and that they’ve followed through with the threats they make.

In court, they didn’t seem to help either as I asked for a third party during handovers. Ex requested that he only wanted to see me at handovers (should have been a red flag) and the courts enabled him and my court order says ‘no third party allowed’. I don’t use the term narcissist lightly, but he is very much one and very manipulative and manipulates everyone - including police, courts etc. Which really doesn’t make me feel safe.

I believe the email, with a separate email that I can log in and out of may be a good idea.

Have you reported his harassment to the police?

Don't delete them as might be useful in evidence. But file them away so you don't have to look at them.

No experience with this but the email idea sounds good. Hopefully he'll get bored knowing you aren't responding, but don't delete anything

Either a separate email, or there are parent communication apps too. Use one of those options and block him on everything else.

Do you have someone that would do a handover for you?? If you do I'd try it.

The court says no third party handovers (that's odd tbh) but it also says Wednesday contact and he's not doing that is he.

I'd state to him you only want any communication going forward to be directly about your child on X communication method.

See how he reacts. If he ups the ante in response then that would be a perfectly reasonable time and reason to switch to someone else doing the handovers for you.

I’ve got one of these, the abuse started during pregnancy as well. It’s maddening and soul destroying isn’t it.

I would set up a parenting communication app. Like talking parents or similar, one of the ones where he can’t delete messages and you can save them into a pdf.

Grey rock him, only respond when it’s to do with the child or contact. Ignore all else. Check the app once a day at a set time and no more. Block him on everything else.

Unfortunately you’ll have to go back to court, I’ve no idea why they allowed him to have such open access to you. That is barbaric, please speak to women’s aid or IDAS. I’ve got contact set up so that I never have to see my ex at all. Is your child in school, is there wrap around care you can book them into on those days? Or would a family, friend or neighbour be willing to answer the door to him when he collects? For a time we had handovers outside a police station, as it was the only thing that would make him behave and not use the handover time to abuse me further.

If he has not consistently used the court ordered time and missed contact then go back to court and get it reduced to what he does do. Tell the judge and show them the texts and ask that he only contacts you via parenting app and only about your child and not excessively. I’m assuming you didn’t have a solicitor? You should be able to claim legal aid as you have had domestic abuse. Go to a legal aid solicitor and get advice. You don’t have to be his victim anymore. Women’s aid can help you too. Tell him today no more texts. Only email or it’s harassment and you will tell the police. Then let him know you only will be looking at it 2 days before contact and during contact.

Hopefully he will kick off and throw a fit via text and then it’s more proof that you can show police and judge.

There is an app called wizard app for co parenting. All communication can go through this.

sadly men like this manage their own feelings by abusing others. He won’t stop and all you can do is manage it as best you can. It will get easier when your DC are teens. Good luck