Favouritism in school and hobbies

[Clyspo]

I have 3 kids aged 7, 4 and 2. We live in a smallish town. 4 primary schools (well 5 as one is split infants and juniors but you get the point) two of these are CofE.
We are CofE Christians, the town has one CofE church, which is pretty well attended considering the decline in Christianity.
Our eldest 2 (Reception and Year 2) are both in rainbows (rainbows here seems to cover Reception to Year 2 no idea why), Sunday school and a ballet class and love it all.

Also in the town are another family, I want to be somewhat discreet but they are very involved in the church, one of the parents works in the local secondary school in a senior position, other parent runs the rainbows and Sunday school. They have quite a few kids around the same age as my children, they all go to the same school.

Well to cut to it, favouritism is rife!!
They seem to get all the parts in literally everything that is done!! Angel Gabriel in the nativity (both church and school). Y1 and 2 are doing a play of the Easter story and lo and behold the narrator is their Y1 child over all the Y2 children. They are friends with the head of the school and it's honestly just everything. It's even started being a thing at ballet where my Reception age child is telling me their child in the same class always gets picked to show the class how to do something or lead games!!

It's infuriating. I don't know who to complain to though, she runs rainbows so can't complain to her, the head is in cahoots with the family so can't complain to her, church values this family very highly so no one there would take notice and no doubt the dance teacher is their friend too!!

I've told DH I think we need to move the kids to a different school as our youngest two will have a child of theirs in the same class all through primary other wise, move to one of the other rainbows groups, find a new dance school and either go to the next town over for church or observe privately. He thinks it's silly, someone will always be favourite even in the new school!

AIBU to be so fed up of the favouritism impacting every part of my kids life? I could handle if it was just one of the places and I could complain but it's everywhere and no one to complain too!!

Narrator is a crap part for a child. One of my kids was asked to be narrator and instead chose to be a trumpeter.

Don't know why your kid would want it.

Does it really matter if they're the angel Gabriel or narrator?? Really? It's not like they were Mary or Jospeh even...a narrator?? Even if they were the main part, maybe they're just good at acting, maybe its favouritism..who cares..I would understand if your child was missing out on actual things like education but parts in a nativity play?!?!?

It's not just parts in a nativity is it though.

In the Sunday School nativity, 1 of their children was Angel Gabriel (with lots of speaking!) one was Mary (some how with words!) and one was the narrator (who spoke loads!) DD noticed and was upset she had less to say than some of the others who are younger than her, and it's always the same every year.
At school their twins were again Mary and Angel Gabriel, which were the main roles.
The Easter play, the only real speaking part is the narrator!
My kids basically spend their whole life being told these kids get to do everything and you don't - how is that fair?!

You’re making this into a problem. Your kids will pick up on your resentment and grow into people who always look at what others have before deciding if they are satisfied with what they have.

Let it go. Say well done. Comparison is the thief of happiness.

Are the kids particularly talented? Be honest. It’s not unusual for a whole family to be gifted dramatically - your story of the ballet suggests that too.

They're being favoured in a number of different settings there so I think it's more likely that they're just very talented.

Move schools if you want but your kids are always going to come up against talented, successful children.

I personally would not be instilling a sense of injustice and bitterness in my child.

There was a girl - the daughter of the Head who got a lot of speaking parts at my Dd's school. She was confident, mature and very probably coached outside of school hours.

Her younger brother was feral, he didn't get the same favouritism! Don't assume your younger kids will have the same.

Our kid's school is a large primary. The school have a secret thing that they don't tell us normal parents about, whereby the teacher's pet kids get sent on the special, secret outings that only a few are chosen to go on, to the local hospital etc, for extra work for current class work. The school recently accidentally posted a photo from a recent trip and the parents were like, hang on, what is this special trip we didn't know about? My son had asked how come only certain kids always get chosen to go, and he was told "oh, the teachers are very fair, we rotate who we choose" but they don't, it's always the same favourites who go and then those same favourites get special awards and grades based off of the extra work they get to do off the back of those special secret excursions. One of the favourites is a lovely boy, but the sports teachers ALWAYS chooses him simply because this boy excels in sports and especially football, which is the teacher's favourite sport, so any of the kids (girls especially, the teacher absolutely DOTES on the football boys) who aren't in to football never, ever get chosen for anything.

I used to feel like you do OP. I resented the same children being picked for things seemingly above everyone else….but then I started working in a school!

Big parts go to relatively confident, reliable kids who can be trusted to follow instructions and who help form the backbone of the performance. Kids who demonstrate for others need to be doing it properly and kids whose parents run a Sunday School have probably spent ages hanging around during planning and set up so don’t deserve to stand at the back in a non speaking role to suit someone else!

Yes, there might be a bit of favouritism but most of the reason they are picked is probably because they are confident, secure kids.

Perhaps volunteer to help with Sunday School or Rainbows and see how much work goes in, maybe that will help ease your feelings?

Sounds like you just don't like the family and are jealous of them. You're making it an issue for your kids when it doesn't need to be.

I see how it would feel that way and there was a similar family at my school. However as an adult I would want to pick children who can reliably do a part well and part of that is being confident and good at speaking and part is knowing that the parents will put in the work outside of school to make sure they’re ready. If the adults running Sunday school, dance, school know the parents and know that they’ll do that they might pick them over other children whose parents are less involved.

Oh dear.

This is an annual post by people who haven't experienced the fact that they will pick the kids who are better at speaking up, probably the better readers etc.

It's only primary. You have years ahead of you of other kids being better at drama, sports and potentially academically. Maybe one day it will be your kid that shines in one area and they will be the one other parents moan about little Johnny always gets to be striker, little Suzie always gets to be prefect.

If parts in plays are that important to you why not encourage a hobby in a drama club outside of school to boost your child's confidence and ability in that area tk enhance their chance of selection.

You are missing the point here OP. There will always be unfairness in life. Your job as a parent is to teach your kids how to deal with that in a healthy way, not make a mountain out of a molehill!

Yes it's annoying and dreadfully unfair. But actually who gives a shit? It only has as much power as you give it. So stop giving it power.

The school play, nothing you can do there. But the extra curriculars you are in charge of! Pull out of those and enrol in different classes. Stagecoach or some other drama/stage school for example if that's what DD is wanting to do!

Op you say you are trying to be discreet but your post is very outing. Also, and sorry to say it, reeks of jealousy. This is an opportunity to teach your dc about resilience in preparation for the big wide world. Your 'it's not fair' attitude won't be helping them and is childish, nor does it teach them how to deal with disappointment in the future.

Most of the activities are based around the same group of people - CofE church, CofE school, Sunday school, Rainbows is presumably meeting in the church hall. It's not surprising that a family who plays a big role / is popular at one place experiences the same at the others. They are putting themselves forward presumably because they are sociable, confident and trying to be part of a community. You don't have to like them but they aren't doing anything 'wrong'. Widen your social circle, encourage DC to take up hobbies or join groups which are Church based. They'll make new friends, learn new skills and maybe have more opportunities.

We all know that teachers have their favourites.

If you want your kids to have good parts in plays then there are things you can do.

Personally my kids didn't want to even be in the plays and tried to get out of them. Also I didn't care as I was more concerned with their actual education.

But if you are bothered:

Your kid needs to be able to read

You need to be prepared to put in lots of hours at home helping them memorise the part and practice how to say words

They need to be the kind of kid that does not freeze up in front of a large adult audience

They need to be able to speak in a loud and clear voice because parents will complain if they can't hear what is going on

If you really care, I'd suggest stagecoach or acting/drama classes.

I’m not sure why you think it’s odd that Rainbows goes up to year 2. It’s for 4-7 year olds. Most children are at least 4 in reception and turn 7 in year 2.

My DC have always been given speaking roles in plays etc, and I know for a fact it’s because they can speak to an audience and as parents we put the work in with them to learn their lines.

My DH is a school governor and I’m a rainbows leader. No doubt people think our children are the favourites.

I see how it would feel that way and there was a similar family at my school. However as an adult I would want to pick children who can reliably do a part well and part of that is being confident and good at speaking and part is knowing that the parents will put in the work outside of school to make sure they’re ready. If the adults running Sunday school, dance, school know the parents and know that they’ll do that they might pick them over other children whose parents are less involved

This doesn’t happen in any other part of school life - they don’t pick the best runners for sports day theencourage everyone to have a go, maths isn’t just for the talented, everyone gets a chance, yet plays which are part of the speaking and listening curriculum are just for talented children?

When plays are practiced, all the children know all the lines by the end of it - so your theory doesn’t stack up.

Luckily I worked in an inclusive school and a disabled child, who was shy led the way and he was amazing!