Work Drinks

[GoldfishSue]

AIBU? My DH has come back late tonight after attending a leaving meal for a collegue and drinks. My problem is a couple of weeks ago my DH told me he had had feelings for a collegue who was at the meal and drinks. The feelings lasted for a short time before Christmas. AIBU to set the boundry that I will not accept DH going for drinks with collegues if this person is attending? Please be kind, I am not sure and I might show them this post.

How would he feel if roles were reversed?

I think it depends on if you believe he has disengaged his 'feelings' for this person. Does it feel as if he went to this do in an attempt to have contact with her? If he was close to the person leaving or they were senior it would maybe be almost expected of him to attend. Or he really liked the leaver as a work friend. It could be a large group and surely they do see eachother in the workplace anyway. So it's about your level of trust in him. He told you these 'feelings' which seems very honest I guess.
Also worth noting he would not necessarily have known she would be there, and if he has been avoiding her at drinks where possible so far I'd give him the benefit of the doubt I think. Unless there's more evidence he's in contact with her?

I wouldn’t say reasonable or unreasonable. I know I would be pretty peeved but it comes down to trust I guess. If he knows it makes you uncomfortable too there’s a lack of respect. Just be honest with him about how you feel. If hr respects your feelings he will understand and appreciate your honesty in talking about it. Talk about it when he’s maybe not drunk.

I think you need to have further discussion about these feelings he says are so short lived and finished.

As things stand, I wouldn't be happy with him coming home really late at an event this other person is at.

Really I would encourage you to discuss both of these aspects and take time to consider what you feel would be appropriate boundaries.

It's work drinks
With numerous people from his workplace presumably.
And he sees this person everyday anyway I'm guessing

"Forbidding him" is just going to come off as controlling

You either trust him or you don’t. If you don’t then end it. Putting in place silly rules because you don’t trust him will only make you both miserable

He told you he has feelings for someone at work?

Either you trust him or you don't.

If you do trust him, silly rules are pointless.

If you don't trust him, silly rules are pointless.

It's not work drinks that are the issue, it's your partner's feelings for this colleague, or, more precisely, what he does about his feelings.

It's human to be attracted to other people in a long relationship; what matters is whether you act on it.

This. Why did he tell you?

Going by the experience of many Mumsnetters, a man tells you the least amount of info possible when it comes to other women and quite often that is just the tip of the iceberg.

If he has feelings for someone and is doing nothing else, then I think nothing more need be said. Though as others have noted, maybe that is not the whole story.

As for leaving dos, you cannot often tell 100% who will turn up.

The feelings lasted for a short time before Christmas.

I don't understand what you mean by this. Do you mean that he told you before Christmas that he had feelings for a colleague and then later on he told you that he had stopped having feelings for that colleague? Because that sounds strange in itself.

Why did he tell you about short lived feelings? It's normal to have little crushes on other people. It's unusual to tell your partner about it (unless it's a celebrity or something). The fact he told you would suggest to me it was something bigger