Mental health support in the UK

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Posting here for traffic, sorry.

DH is having a mental health crisis. Huge mood swings but majority of the time very low, hating himself, incredibly negative and angry at the world and how unfair life is. Repeatedly overwhelmed by simple tasks, including parenting.

We live outside the UK. Help is available here but it's not easy: you have a long list of psychiatrists and psychotherapists and you have to basically keep calling them all until you can get a spot. He has found a therapist who will treat him in English but he hates his psychiatrist and looking for a new one is "too difficult".

He is convinced that the only answer is to move back to the UK and that he can get help there.

I know on one hand it would be easier as your GP would refer you and then it's just a question of waiting. But, assuming he can register with a GP & then actually get an appointment with them, how long are we talking?

My AIBU - AIBU to think he won't get better mental health support in the UK?

How long is the wait for triage though? What is the rejection rate?

Most of the people I deal with through work have mental health problems and other than medication, there is no help for anyone. I’ve even had someone who was deemed to need to be sectioned but had to wait for a bed to come available first! And when it did, it was at the opposite end of the country.

@Dottytea what an utterly vile comment. Reported

Adult mental health care sounds shocking. My sons involved with CAMHS and they've been fabulous with him for years. Dreading him transitioning to adult care. Hope your DH finds some support OP.

Wait times are horrific for seriously people in our area. I’m talking people who have had multiple suicide attempts getting nothing. Crisis in A&E just refer you to the home treatment team which is just a sticking plaster and a few random phone calls asking if you’re ok.. The case handlers are shocking and don’t handle anything. You’re just allocated one so they can say you’ve been seen but they are really , really useless and verging on negligent.. You can’t be under 2 services at once either which is unhelpful if you’re a complex case. There is next to no therapy anywhere on the NHS and it is well known that this is widespread.

Re private you can waste a lot of money if you’re not careful. The problem is not knowing exactly what you need and it’s a gamble as to who you get. There are waiting lists for the better ones ie lots not taking in waiting lists.

Do not move here if you need mental health support. It’s a disgrace.

What an utterly ignorant post.

In my experience (Derbyshire) mental health services are dead in the water. Suicide helplines with no answer, no callbacks from the Crisis Team etc. Apparently they've done this deliberately for the patient's benefit as a hands off approach is better.
WTAF?

Thanks for the replies.

I'm in Germany. I don't want to move back to the UK as my kids have a much better quality of life here. I have a huge support network of friends and the kids' school (& afterschool care) is amazing. In the UK we have no practical support except my mum and I would not want to live where she is.

He seems to think he can turn up in the UK after 6 years away and walk straight into in-depth treatment.

The irony is that German healthcare is very good, it's just the process to get it is difficult. You can be prescribed a "Kur" which is essentially 3+ weeks in a hotel/health resort with some therapy, the aim of which is to help de-stress and relax. Our Dr referred DH but he found the German paperwork to arrange it "too overwhelming".

www.bbc.com/future/article/20230228-the-german-clinics-for-burnt-out-parents

In my recent experience weeks and I had a crisis in January and got help the same day.My mum sorted all the appointments etc out for me and I just went

OP if he wants an English therapist privately and would consider doing this online, there are BACP registered and accredited therapists in the UK who work internationally and are insured for this. You can find them on Counselling Directory. He doesn’t have to move back to the UK to access them!

In fairness to your husband when you're in the grips of a mental health crisis even choosing what pants to put on that day is overwhelming nevermind an in depth form in a language that isn't your native tongue. He's looking for what he sees as solutions to the problem and can only see in front of him. He's poorly. Could you help him with the form?

It's absolutely dire here.

I hope he's prepared to wait 18 months to be given a generic 6 week course of CBT.

My DH has been extremely ill with depression verging on self harming behaviour and psychosis at times.

GPs are very sympathetic, but the NHS is in the toilet and has next to no funding for MH support.

We now pay £90 a month for a private psychiatrist, and £45 a week on a counsellor. Totalling £370 a month.

I have offered to help him with the form but

a) his German is better than mine
b) I'm on my knees myself having to be both parents, hold down a job, run our home, and shield the kids from his worse episodes
c) it is very hard to help someone who is horrible to you. I know he is poorly and I know he doesn't mean it, but he is horrible to me. And repeatedly says there is no point in doing it as no one here will help him. They WILL help, but he is so convinced they won't, that he isn't prepared to ask for it.

My own therapist says that I should help him find a new dr as a "just do this one last thing for him", but I've doing "just one last thing" for months now. Ultimately I will end up doing it for him, I know I will. But I need him to engage with the process and stop this notion of "everything will be magically fixed if we go back to the uk"

Thank you, this is very helpful

I'm going to guess that you'd be entirely responsible for sorting out a move back to the UK as well?

If you're that burned out a split is likely would it be so bad if he returned to the UK? It sounds like the end result of what's happening in your home is either he ends up in hospital or you will.

I am not going back to the UK and neither are the kids. That is not up for discussion. I will not disrupt their lives any more, and if he insists on going... then he can go.

I don't want to split up. I want him to get better. If he has to go away to get better and then come back then I'm ok with this.

But I'm trying to understand if him going to England will help in any way and right now I just don't think it will.

Coming to England will not help.

He can access English language therapy as a lot of therapists here work online.

I did mine online.

You now refer yourself to Talking point or something similar.. they assess you and see which help is best for you.. if it's deemed real bad they pass you to secondary care for another assessment.. who decide on which kind of help you need..
Talking therapy.
Group therapy.
CBT.
Psychology.
EMDR.
I've had counselling on and off for 30 years..
Had crisis team.
Been in psychiatric hospitals.
Two years ago something/ someone came back to haunt me and l had a break down .. only now two years later have l just had all the assessments .. then ended up paying private for EMDR .. because l was told would benefit me greatly.. and it has.. but NHS waiting was three years.

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time OP. It important to sure you look after yourself too and when you need space from it take it. He might moan, but realistically it’s not going to make his depression materially worse.

If you are burned out, and both of you cannot engage with the administrative burden and you have the means, then can you access a psychiatrist privately in Germany? In my opinion, faster is always better in these situations because you can quite quickly get your home life back to a more liveable situation for the both of you. If he is medicated properly, it might take him awhile to get back into work but he might stop being so horrible and be able to help more at home.

IMO it’s always worth going to a psychiatrist first because some conditions present the same, at certain times, but there are medication implications. For example someone with subtle bipolar might be diagnosed with depression and be given antidepressants, which actually might make the situation much worse. Also, in my experience therapy much less helpful before I was medicated properly. Medication gave me the brain space I needed to engage better with the therapy and had I known this I would’ve saved myself a lot of money.

OP, forgive me if this is an overstep, but I'm wondering if your husband is leaning on the idea that there'd be better treatment here because he misses home. The treatment on offer is abysmal and that's true, but it's never been great. I certainly don't remember there being a time when I could confidently recommend it.

Does he maybe just want to come home and feels he can't say that?

Maybe he could have a Zoom chat with my colleague Ursina - she's in Zurich but speaks perfect English (and German!)

https://www.thecontrolsystem.co.uk/control-practitioner/ursina-fried

It’s worth thinking of the everything will be magically fixed attitude as a symptom and treating it as such for your own MH.

I know that’s probably so annoying but if you keep trying to talk him round to the rational you will be getting very frustrated over an attitude that it is unlikely you will be able to change. Just think to yourself if he could be rational there would be no problem and you cannot help him in this. It won’t change the situation but it might lift a little bit of weight off of you.

Your area must be different as I am currently one year into a 7 year waiting list

I don't know if he misses it; because to be honest up until the last few months when he got really sick, he has always been very vocal about how much he hates England and how he'd never want to live there.

It was his idea to move to Germany. I didn't want to. But I've built a life and I love it here. He didn't really put any effort into settling here, and is now filled with bitterness about coming here - i can't believe I was so stupid to move here, why am I such an idiot, worst thing I've ever done, I hate Germany, I hate German people, I hate everything here, this is a 3rd world country full of unhelpful cunts who would happily let me die because I haven't filled the right form in.....

He is blaming Germany for his problems and seeing England as a quick fix