AIBU to be afraid to introduce my mum

[emmasdogstan]

I’m in a fairly new relationship ( within the last year) he’s yet to meet my mum and I’m dreading it.

She has mental health problems. Has done for decades but worsened now she’s elderly . She talks, shouts and screams to herself or me at home or in public , also during phone conversations. ( likely schizophrenic)
Her hygiene is very poor, she wears clothes with cigarette holes or dirtied with ash and chooses not to change very often. She washes herself only occasionally and smells strongly of cigarettes and urine as wears incontinence pads.
Now she’s aging she finds walking or climbing up a single step into my house challenging which makes her scream out that regularly draws attention from passers by or neighbours . I try to calm her to little avail but truthfully I’m embarrassed and upset.

She is under watch of social workers and attends a day centre which helps with social activities and if there’s any concerns they let me know.
She’s been offered medication to calm her from the GP and carers to help with personal care but she strongly refuses so both the social worker and I conclude she manages in her own way and respect we can’t enforce these things.

I help her often with jobs, taking her to appointments and occasionally a meal together. My adult children see her but I know they are embarrassed by her behaviours and poor hygiene as am I .

I care alot about her but we certainly don’t have a conventional mother daughter relationship and I hugely enjoy calmer, happier , positive relationships I have with kids friends and my partner .

Despite everything she lives relatively content. She likes her own company, her weekly routine and the day centre. I’d say she feels supported by the help I give.

Back to my worries,
When I was married previously I know her being my mum caused a strain within the marriage.

I don’t want her to scare off my new partner but I’m aware one day it’ll be inevitable he’ll need to meet her . How do I cope with this,

Can anyone relate please or offer advice?

Why does he need to meet her? What will be the benefit to her?

My nan is unwell before I do anything I ask myself what is the benifit to her, is this in her best interests, how does this improve her life ect.

I think we often do things because they are the conventional thing to do but when someone is unwell you need to consider their best interest.

Obviously, I wouldn't exclude her because of poor hygiene or bring embarrassing. I just wonder what meeting your new partner adds to her life.

Oh op this sounds so hard for you.if he is anyway decent a person this should not make a blind bit of difference to him. It must be so hard for you to see your mum like that and such a worry for you. I would explain to him the circumstances if you haven’t already!

Ask her if she wants to meet him first.
Also, his reaction will be telling and tell you whether he's worth keeping.
I've never understood the "don't want to scare him away" mentality. Scare him. See if he runs. Then you won't have to waste your time.

Does he want to meet her? Does she want to meet him?

It sounds a fairly new relationship so I'd just leave it for now. Lots of people don't 'meet the parents' for ages for lots of reasons, so there's no rush. If you trust him and see the relationship as permanent, then I would just be honest with him about the situation. If he loves you then he will accept it and take your mum as he finds her when they meet.

Your mum is no reflection on you, so don't take that on and give yourself some sort of shame about it that you don't deserve. She doesn't deserve shame either though, so you don't need to hide her away, just don't rush the meeting.

Just be honest with partner about how your Mum is and he can decide whether to meet her .

She sounds a bit like my Mum. As long as there are no plans for her to live with you I don’t see the problem. It’s certainly never bothered my husband. He said his family were even stranger, but I never met them.

How much does he know already? Meeting her seems far less relevant than the question of how supportive he will be to you as you go through the inevitable challenges of meeting her needs as she gets older and progressively more difficult.

You don't need to introduce him to her, now or even ever. Just imagine you were someone who's Mum lived thousands of miles away. You wouldn't even think you needed to introduce them to your partner. She is not well and the introduction might be upsetting for everyone. It does not seem necessary.
Talk to him about her when you feel comfortable, and I'm sure he will understand why it's best he doesn't meet her. Or if he does then he will fully know what to expect. But there's simply no need to consider her in terms of your relationships. You are caring for her, she has the day centre. You should focus on your own life with your partner and see her separately.

Thankyou for your responses.
I agree there's no rush for them to meet . I have told him about her although trod a bit cautiously and he was kind and supportive. He's never asked to meet her . I just feel a bit bad to have met his parents and him not mine. I haven't told my mum I'm in a new relationship, she doesn't seem to understand relationships like other people do ( autism in our family and she shows many traits) but if I told her she'd likely ask to meet him . For now though I'm relaxing seeing them separately. It's the idea of Christmas meals etc which worry me but I know that's months away

She's ill, OP. If you have picked a good man, then he will be kind about it and show you both care.
Even if they do meet, they don't have to spend lots of time together from then on, if it makes you uncomfortable. They don't have to meet at all. Do what is right for YOU, don't worry about what you 'should' be doing.

Thankyou ( and others too) that's the issue . I worry what "I should be doing" but really it'll cause me a lot of added stress. For now I'd rather they don't meet . Thank you to those with that thinking . I do also agree it's a good test if they do meet but I'd like to strengthen our relationship first

They don't have to meet at all. As you said, your mum doesn't really understand relationships and your partner seems like he is understanding of your situation and won't push the idea of meeting your mum.

My partner and I still haven't met each other's parents and we've been living together for a long time. Both sets of parents live abroad, we don't speak each-other's languages so a quick wave on camera during video calls is all we've done. And nobody seems to mind.

He doesn’t have to meet her. You can just tell him you’re not comfortable with him meeting her because she’s unwell and/or you are embarrassed by her behaviour. You should be able to be honest with your partner.