To not agree with husband

[Guacamole123]

My daughter is 18, she has just been diagnosed with Endometriosis and has been referred to a London clinic to see whether she also has an embedded urine infection. Her issues started 3 years ago the week she started college. She’s been in cronic pain ever since. She was asked to restart her 1st year of college because she has too much time off with her chronic pain and was behind. Reluctantly she did - she’s now in the final 2 months of college and they want a meeting about her attendance. Up until now she’s been way in front and on track to get a distinction. But she has a Lap in December to see for endo and had a couple of weeks off and she’s been on and off in excruciating pain ever since and her attendance for this year so far is at 56%, she’s now behind for this project, but feels she can catch up as it’s art. Anyway I’m going into speak to them today and hoping they don’t wanna kick her out again. My husband and I have had a disagreement this morning as he wants me to tell college that on some of the days she’s not attending college she’s going to work in the evening and I’ve said no I won’t. I’m going into support them and that’s non of their business. The problem is she’s in more pain in a morning after she’s got up and a lot of the time the pain eases as they day goes in so by time she’s due to start her shift on the tils at 5 she’s not in as much pain. Anyway do you think I’m right for not mentioning it to college. I think it will come across like I don’t believe her or invalidate the pain she’s in and will make them think she’s faking it when she’s not. I’m going into support her and this comes across to me as stabbing her in the back tbh. She needs someone to have her back and ask why they’ve not made allowances considering she’s provided doctors notes etc and know she’s had this pain for last 3 years. They aren’t supporting her whatsoever and I don’t feel they need to know about work side of things.
what’s your views ?

I would be honest there is no need for game playing unless this is some secret to be ashamed of? Which I think is weird but these days anything goes

Why on earth would you? It sounds like your husband doesn’t believe your daughter.

It's none of their business.

If you tell them that they will think she is faking it/ not committed to college. It would be a disasterous thing to say. Why does DH want to sabotage her college studies? Does he not believe she is unwell?

I don't think college needs to know about work, however, I do question why she is behind on the project if she can function later in the day. Maybe college work needs to take priority over a job at this point in her life and maybe that's what your husband is thinking.

Your husband is being a pig! Sorry but no I wouldn’t mention it it’s not uncommon for endo to ease up a bit over he day once you can get moving etc! He clearly doesn’t recognise and realise how debilitating it really is! There is a reason she’s been referred, does he not get that?!

Drs don’t just fly around Willy nilly referring people to specialists! However could I would suggest to daughter drop the job to pick up evening classes? And explain that in the meeting that she’s ok early evening.

Sorry I forgot to add in my original post that she has BPD traits and possible ADHD and really struggles with her mental health.

Obviously you back your daughter up BUT Ido think it requires a conversation at home about priorities. Howa y nights is she working? Is she paying rent? When does she expect to catch up if she's either ill or in work?
I think she needs to cut / drop work and focus 100% on college

I agree with @Catza
Don't tell them, but also don't encourage her to work when she's behind with college work. Maybe if she was resting in the evenings she'd be in less pain the next day, too...

Your husband - presumably her dad? Doesn't believe her. He thinks she's faking it and he'd like them to kick her out to prove it.

I agree with PP though if she's behind then the job needs considering and I'd be asking her - away from school/husband why she's prioritising work over catching up her project.

I guess the problem is with art is it is hours spent that makes rhe difference and if she's only attending 56% that's alot of time to make up before completion. Ask about deadlines and how much she'll need to do. Yes there will be leeway but an incomplete not turned in project will not bring a pass. I k ow yr11 deadlines are looming for such things so maybe she just doesn't have the time to catch up to meet the deadlines this year. She and they need to be honest.

Totally agree with this.

If she is capable of going out to work in the evening then she is capable of doing the college work then instead, leave the job for now. Education is either your/her priority, or it isn’t, if it is then the job has to go.

I'd get her to sit with you and plan out how she is going to catch up, and take that along. I would not add in work into the planning. I'd also make sure the plan included the last few weeks with the work she did in the last few weeks crossed off to show that she is working towards the end goal. Do it on A4 paper, one month per page, so that they can take a copy whilst you are there.

If you give them solutions that result in good results then it makes sense to work with you rather than against you.

I would tell college that she will endeavour to catch up the work when she is feeling able and she is committed to finishing this course. Personally as someone with endo if she is well enough to do her job in the evening I would quit that to concentrate on getting her college work done and get the qualifications. She only gets funding for 3 years 16-19 years old so take it while you can.

For the endo pain I use a TENs machine, 2 channels so 4 pads you can put on your back or front. I also use a plug in heat pad so no weight to it and it stays hot/warm unlike a hot water bottle or wheat bag. That may help her in a non-medicine type way. Also try some yoga certain poses really help me (child's pose) which may benefit her and is something she can do at home and gently.

I don't think your DD's job is anything to do with college.

However, if she is able to function more at different times of day, it would seem to be an obvious adjustment to ask college to support this (possibly by facilitating the setting of work that she can do later in the day).

I also agree with PP that you need to consider if your DD needs to consider her priorities. My DD also suffers from chronic pain. She knows that she can't manage job and study and social life and she has random days when she can't do anything, so she has to make hard decisions. I think it's a hard ask for college to make allowances when essentially they are making allowances to enable her to do other things outside of study.

It's not particularly relevant and can only harm their impression of her. If they say we've seen she works in the evenings then and only then is it mentioned. I don't know how they would know.

If she’s we enough to go to work then she’s well enough to do the college work. Job needs to go.

I have endo so understand the level of pain she will be in at times. Can totally see how she would feel better later in the day due to painkillers.

I think it would be no harm in mentioning it's most severe in the morning and eases throughout the day. That way you are covered if anyone is aware of her working. You don't need to mention the job just CYA.

If it were me, I would have her gyn or consultant issue a letter confirming diagnosis and the impact.

I would also argue the position that the ficus should be on her results,which are exceptional given the fact she is missing time and dealing with an illness. Many students will full attendance may not be doing as well. It is wrong for her to be punished.

Until your husband has endo, he will never understand. Even women who don't cannot full understand how bad it can be.

What are his reasons?

Is he concerned that they’ll see her working and therefore think she’s lying and kick her off her course?