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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she's unreasonable?

37 replies

SpeedbirdSquawker · 29/02/2024 19:37

Mu mum buys me things for the house every once in a while. Maybe four things a year. Like decorations, little trinkets, etc. When she buys me something she'll tell me not to tell her husband. For what reason I can't fathom. Its not financial abuse. He buys things for his adult son all the time.

Anyway, tonight after she'd bought me a treat, she told me she'd bring it round when her husband wasn't around as he didn't need to know. I questioned her on it and, as he's a twat anyway, I told her a few home truths like she's always putting him first. We had very little money when I was growing up and yet when he came into our lives when I was a young adult, he didn't have a job, yet she bought him a car and spent loads on the weekly shop as he only likes branded items and not supermarket own brands.

He'll also not say hello to me unless I say it first and then not speak to me at all. If I pay for a meal or even a night away he won't say thank you to me. I don't want a fanfare, just a little gratitude.

I sometimes attempt small talk with him but he doesn't answer. He's heard me alright though. Well now, I've had enough but aibu?

OP posts:
SpeedbirdSquawker · 29/02/2024 19:39

Tonight I told her not to contact me ever again as I'm so tired of shitty behaviour. I'd rather her not buy me presents if she's saying to not mention it to him.

OP posts:
Greenshrub · 29/02/2024 19:41

It sounds like he is abusive/controlling. Your mum probably needs more support rather than cutting her out.

TooManyCheesecakeCalories · 29/02/2024 19:42

He may buy things for his son but, if she’s worried about him finding out she buys you things, there obviously is something going on…and you just cut her off.
Why punish her for his shitty behaviour?

HeadacheEarthquake · 29/02/2024 19:43

"It's not financial abuse"

Yes, it is.

Menomeno · 29/02/2024 19:45

I understand why his behaviour pisses you off, but your mum is obviously in a controlling relationship and needs your support, not you making it all about yourself and sticking the boot in.

You should get on the phone and apologise to her asap.

Sletty · 29/02/2024 19:46

Ah it sounds like you were very harsh on your mum! How lovely of her to buy you wee bits and pieces now and again. Especially if she didn’t have much money previously.

I think it’s a generational thing of women not telling their husbands how much they’ve spent.

Why did you blow up at her after all this time?

Wishimaywishimight · 29/02/2024 19:46

Cutting your mum off when she is dealing with an abuser is just cruel. She must be so hurt. Try putting yourself in her shoes for a moment.

TeaKitten · 29/02/2024 19:49

SpeedbirdSquawker · 29/02/2024 19:39

Tonight I told her not to contact me ever again as I'm so tired of shitty behaviour. I'd rather her not buy me presents if she's saying to not mention it to him.

That’s just horrible OP, she’s your mum, you only get one. There’s nothing you’ve said here that makes you sound any better than him.

YeahIsaidit · 29/02/2024 19:54

She's clearly struggling somewhere and you're cutting her off for.... Buying you gifts, you're awful and I'd be heartbroken if my own DC treated me in this way

Sletty · 29/02/2024 19:58

You don’t deserve your mum and you definitely don’t deserve gifts

SpeedbirdSquawker · 29/02/2024 19:58

He's not controlling or abusive. She said he's never said anything about her spending. She has it in her own mind that she shouldn't be buying me things and him knowing.

OP posts:
SpeedbirdSquawker · 29/02/2024 19:59

Plus she defends his behaviour all the time, even when he's clearly in the wrong.

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 29/02/2024 20:00

And you sound like a selfish, greedy little madam

Whattodo112222 · 29/02/2024 20:01

You're still cruel OP. I'd never treat my mum like this.

SpeedbirdSquawker · 29/02/2024 20:02

Even though she puts him first?

She fat shames me. She even gave my things away to his family!

OP posts:
missmollygreen · 29/02/2024 20:05

Your poor mum, what a horrible thing to do

BobbyBiscuits · 29/02/2024 20:05

He's at best rude, at worst horribly controlling. The fact she seems to be so desperate to mask buying you small gifts, there's only one reason why. He's bullying her about how she spends/ witholding money from her.
Can you talk to her honestly about it without judgement, encourage her to seek counselling. She may need a boost to get her to see the wood for the trees. Do not abandon her. Not saying you would but she definitely needs your support.

Whattodo112222 · 29/02/2024 20:06

You're massively drip feeding here.

vanillaclouds · 29/02/2024 20:10

I recognise this behaviour!
My ex disliked my adult ds and constantly moaned about him to me, he'd rarely speak to him first and his tone was cold and unfriendly.

He made little jealous remarks if I was going to meet him and would have rolled his eyes if I'd bought him something.
I think your mum is caught in the middle, she's trying to play down her relationship with you to appease him.
I understand how that must really hurt and she probably doesn't realise you pick up on it.
I'd speak to her, tell her your concerns, there's rarely nothing else going on as well but she won't confide in you if you don't support her and hopefully she can get out of this relationship before she loses you.

It took my ds to make me realise what was going on and I didn't realise he spoke to him in a cold and distant way until he said because he didn't do it in front of me.
Whatever is going on it's not good and she wont isn't happy, however she acts.

Catza · 29/02/2024 20:10

Your mum buys you gifts and you tell her you never want to hear from her again because of her partner? What's the back story? Because if there isn't one, you seem just as abusive as her partner.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 29/02/2024 20:17
Bird Popcorn GIF

Settles in…

SpeedbirdSquawker · 29/02/2024 20:18

I'm honestly not the abusive one. She tried emotional blackmail to get me to get a £10,000 loan for them in my name. I didn't.

She's also got up and shouted in my face that I don't like her husband. I don't. He doesn't speak to me and never has. I tried to make an effort.

She comments on my weight and told me not to sit a certain way infront of his family because I look fatter. She laughs at my hairstyles. She's not the caring mum.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 29/02/2024 20:20

SpeedbirdSquawker · 29/02/2024 20:18

I'm honestly not the abusive one. She tried emotional blackmail to get me to get a £10,000 loan for them in my name. I didn't.

She's also got up and shouted in my face that I don't like her husband. I don't. He doesn't speak to me and never has. I tried to make an effort.

She comments on my weight and told me not to sit a certain way infront of his family because I look fatter. She laughs at my hairstyles. She's not the caring mum.

Very convenient drip feeds after being told you are being unreasonable.

vanillaclouds · 29/02/2024 20:22

Op if all these things are true, why have you started your thread with such trivial examples?

SpeedbirdSquawker · 29/02/2024 20:24

vanillaclouds · 29/02/2024 20:22

Op if all these things are true, why have you started your thread with such trivial examples?

Because that's the most recent example.

OP posts:
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