Is all therapy about blaming your parents?

[Giveupnow]

interested in heating from any one with any knowledge of counselling/ therapy with different types. I’m burnt out and have anxiety and probably PTSD from medical trauma and a tough last few years. I’ve tried personal integrative, and now transactional analysis and both therapists seem intent on focusing on my childhood. There is a lot to unpick there but I’m not sure how much more unusual than strict 80s blame/ critical style type parenting that I’m sure lots of us had. I don’t know… my parents weren’t great in that they were very busy, stressed and strict and didn’t really care about the impact it might have on us but I feel guilty about questioning my upbringing so much, when in reality they tried their best. There just wasn’t the emphasis then on child well being or how parents need to nurture their childrens self esteem and emotions?

It's not about 'blaming' your parents, but everyone is shaped by their childhood so it's useful for the therapist to be able to unpick what experiences might affected/influenced the way you think about things and react to situations.

For instance, my parents were fab parents and I completely adore them. They were in no way abusive or neglectful and there is nothing about my upbringing I could 'blame' them for - I had a broadly happy childhood and was safe and loved in a stable, non-chaotic household. But both my parents are very much people who will joke their way through the most awful situations, and that's definitely affected the way I use humour as a coping mechanism (not always in a way that's healthy). Neither I nor a therapist would 'blame' my parents for that, but it does help a therapist to unpick why I've got a dark sense of humour about the worst things that have happened to me.

Can't agree with above poster more. It's about understanding how your environment affected you growing up (not solely parents) and how this contributes to your responses/perspectives/etc etc. if you aren't aware and don't understand it, it's more difficult to change

I wouldn’t see it as blaming your parents - the majority do the best with what they know at the time. For me, it’s been really helpful for me to look at how my childhood shaped me and led me to develop behaviours which are not serving me as an adult and causing me undue anxiety in my own parenting. I don’t blame my parents at all but by breaking it all down I can now recognise when unhelpful thought processes and behaviours start and stop them in their tracks. This has led to a great reduction in my own anxiety and, I think, led to me being a more patient and understanding parent.

It's not (generally) about blaming parents, it's about understanding how your childhood shaped you.

Why is this important? Between the ages of about 18m and 10yrs you learn at a faster rate than at any other time in your life. You watch, you hear, you experience and you absorb at a prodigious rate. However what you can't do in that period is think logically and rationally about what you learn - you simply don't have the ability.

So ideas become facts and you develop your core beliefs; the deeply held 'truths' about who you are, what the world is like and how you fit in. Core beliefs can be both negative "I am not good enough" or positive "I am a natural sportsperson" - negative ones aren't a sign of abusive or neglectful parenting - they can just be mistaken notions that you developed about yourself.

That's why therapists often want to delve into your childhood - that's where the story started.

Your childhood gives insight into how your coping mechanisms formed and why you are the way you are.

I should have just agreed with the excellent post from @Amber2384 😁

These are all great responses, thank you. Can I ask - does the average person know/ reflect on this? I’m now a parent and am
trying my absolute hardest but find it extremely difficult and worry I’m causing future issues for my children. Nothing specific, just run of the mill stuff - am I too strict? Am I too lax? Not knowing how to handle big feelings. have no idea what a ‘normal’ parent looks like.

I’ve read all the gentle parenting stuff etc so I’m not asking for those recommendations, I’m just wondering how abnormal I am, compared to the average mid 30s parent of young children, in terms of my own emotional regulation etc.

Read the poem, Your Mum and Dad They Fuck You Up. Try hard, read a lot, listen to your children and care about their needs and wants, You'll do better, you won't be perfect.

This

These are exactly the things that brought me to therapy, OP. Best thing I ever did for myself.

Parents mess their kids up. That's just a reality. It's also a product of the fact that every generation typically develops more awareness than the one before them. So, in comparison to your parents, you'll do a better job. And then the next generation will identify things in the parenting we're accustomed to that aren't so great and they'll get therapy for those things. You can only do as well as you know how to do. Read, learn, do the best you can, but know that no parent is perfect and there will be issues they have to work through.

It you have PTSD from medical trauma, you should probably look into something targeted specifically for that. EMDR and trauma-focused CBT are the two major therapies used for trauma. Neither of those would involve blaming your parents unless they were directly involved in some way (which seems unlikely).

You sound very much like me; I think I became a bit more understanding about my parents when I became a parent and realised that they were just trying their best. I accept that with my own children I won’t get everything right and I’ll make different mistakes to my own parents but I’ll keep on doing my best.

This is exactly the reason why you should be examining your childhood - it will definitely help you to get more of a handle on your own parenting and to get some clarity on how you want to raise your children.

I had a fairly shit childhood but had addressed it to a certain extent in therapy which helped. My DH had a run of the mill childhood and always believed his parents were great, there was nothing wrong with how he was brought up etc. We were on the verge of divorce because he was turning into his dad (grumpy, lazy, disconnected) and it was only when he examined his childhood that he woke up and recognised the coping mechanisms he'd developed that were destroying his relationship with me and with the kids. The change in him was genuinely hard to believe - we went from being on the brink of splitting up to a very strong, loving relationship and I can say hand on heart that he is the best dad I've ever come across - fun, engaged, loving, without being too lenient.

You will make mistakes as a parent, it's inevitable. IME what makes the difference is the ability to recognise those mistakes and rectify them. Apologising makes an absolutely massive difference - if you get things wrong, acknowledge that and say sorry. Your child will see that you're a human, you're not perfect but you know that and you can see when you've hurt them.

That was my parenting book as well, I think that poem should be in every parenting book. My kids are grown up now and they've said we didn't do too badly as parents, so I'll take that as a win.

This be the verse by Phillip Larkin https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse

CBT never touches on your past from what I have been told with multiple cbt on the nhs

As pp has said, EMDR or CBT are possibly more helpful therapies based on what you have described.

In terms of thinking about parenting in general, I would highly recommend reading "The book you wish your parents read".

@BallaiLuimni wpyld you mind telling what type of therapy your husband had please?

@Leonarda89 i have already read that, and have to admit I absolutely thought it was navel gazing and clear that that she’d only ever had one, easy newborn to care for and not a difficult baby or multiple children.

Just straightforward counselling. He was lucky that the counsellor was very good and he got on well with her.

CBT is not focused on childhood at all. It focuses on acknowledging your thoughts and trying to retrain yourself to think differently.

It is more like a personal trainer for the brain than therapy. (Can you think of a time you were anxious? What did you do? Did it work? Try doing this next time. Ok, now we're going to practice doing this).

EMDR is therapy and speech is not strictly speaking necessary although most therapists will talk a little bit. It's more about physical eye movements while recalling memories. No-one knows why it works.

CBT is supposed to be very good for anxiety.

Another option for the PTSD would be remedial hypnosis.

When something traumatic happens a part of your subconscious mind is 'assigned' to figure out exactly what happened and why, simply because it was so terrible that it must be avoided at all costs in the future and that can only be done by understanding every aspect of the event(s).

If it's something you can rationalise then your mind can easily put it behind you; the road was icy/the other driver was texting, you tripped over a stair rod, etc. If, however, there's no explanation within your grasp - the events were simply random or the people involved are unable or unwilling to explain their part in the trauma - then your mind will keep on going over all the tiny details in order to try to find all those (unknowable) answers; hence the nightmares and flashbacks.

The key to resolving it is to let that part of the mind know that there is not, and never will be, an answer to what happened and why it happened and also the constant rumination is actively detracting from the happiness of the person. (This is where the remedial hypnosis comes in) Once the subconscious realises this is it will let it go. Yes, the memories will still be there but they will have no power or impact on your emotions.

(apologies, I've cut and pasted this from another thread as I have to go and feed my horses!!)

I don't think it is about blaming your parents but there is a phase where it feels like that is what you do.

In my case, I knew I had a lot to say about my mum. I was surprised to find I spent the first few months talking only about my dad- realising he enabled everything but ultimately understanding why he might have done that.

Similarly when I did come to talk about my mum I ended up a lot more compassionate for why she behaved the way she did and nobody is the perfect parent.

We were on the point of being NC when I started, by the end We were very close and had an adult relationship. I would never have believed this was possible given the starting point.

My therapist who I think is brilliant (took me a while to find one I clicked with) said that it doesn’t mean my parents are bad people and they were just doing what they thought was best at the time. This was in response to me feeling guilty talking about my upbringing etc. It just put a new perspective on it because I felt like I was almost bitching behind my parents back.