Is there such a thing as a shy extrovert?

[Hacksaw]

And if so, how do you parent one?

My 11 yo DS is very shy (struggles to advocate for himself with friends, speak up in class, speak to adults etc). I was the same as a child so I understand completely, but what’s different is that I think he’s an extrovert. He prefers doing lots of busy things and being with people to doing things alone, but it’s painful unless he knows them very well because of the shyness.

Were/are you like this? How can I help him?

Can he crunch up a biscuit and then blow a mouthful of dry crumbs in your face?

If you were shy, what helped you overcome it? For me, I think it was just gradually learning what to do and how to interact with people.
I suppose not knowing what to do led to a bit of a vicious circle. People react badly, you withdraw more, you don’t learn.
How does the extroversion complicate things?

I think because it’s not as if he’s content to be quiet and solitary. He really wants the company of others but then is shy and awkward and finds it really hard.

I’d say I was like that. But it’s difficult to know what to suggest. It’s hard because I craved company but was also very shy as a kid.

i did grow out of it. Id say the important thing is to make sure they have plenty of opportunities to join clubs/ have hobbies/ have a part time job. That way he is meeting new people but it’s not the focus. I think its also practice makes perfect- the more he interacts with people, the easier it becomes

Yes, absolutely it's possible. The only difference between an extrovert and an introvert is the way in which they 'recharge' - an introvert needs solitude to recharge their batteries, even if they also are very sociable, whereas an extrovert may be far less obviously sociable, but draw energy from social interactions.

Usually, an extrovert will be more obviously gregarious and an introvert more reserved in social situations, but not necessarily. (For instance, I'm a sociable, gregarious introvert -- I love social life, my friendships are very important to me, and I love seeing people, but need to balance that with a lot of solitude.)

I think as a pp said, all you can do is make sure he's enabled to be in situations where he's doing things he enjoys with other people, but where he's not the sole focus -- hobby clubs, sports teams, Scouts, martial arts? Whatever it is he's into. He'll find his way of being in the world in time.

I would consider myself a confident introvert so I’m sure the opposite must exist too!

There are millions of shy extroverts and there are millions of confident introverts.

Extroversion just means that you like to be around people and get lonely on your own. It doesn't necessarily mean you're gregarious or socially adept or that you find it easy to chat to people.

Of course. Extroversion is simply someone who recharges their batteries in the company of others rather than being alone. They can have all different types of personality.

I'm an extrovert, but I absolutely HATE public speaking and being the centre of attention. I had to present something on google meets for work the other day and I could hear my voice stammering.

Whereas I'm a confident introvert who is absolutely fine with public speaking, and whose job requires it all the time.

This is so interesting. As an introvert myself I assumed all extroverts were outgoing and that anyone who was shy must be an introvert.

For years I thought I was an introvert, quiet in company and avoiding meeting new people, but I've come to realise that I do actually thrive in company, it just needs to be the right company.

Hehe! I’m an introvert who loves this! Could walk into a massive presentation without a blink.

Whereas parties and pubs😵‍💫hate them but could chat to any random stranger there. But l get resentful because they are stealing my time and l want to go home.

This is such a common misconception. It gets trotted out all the time on both MN and places like FB. FB is terrible for stuff like "extroverts need to learn how to shut up" etc.

It is just about how you recharge your social batteries.

I am shy with new people, then I can rabbit on about any old rubbish for ages. But then I need a lot of time to myself to recover.

Could he be classed as an ambivert then?

I'm introverted and extroverted, depending where I am and what I'm doing. I dont mind being the centre of attention somtimes, other times I detest it, depending on the situation.

I lean towards the introvert side though as I do need some time alone to recharge after socialising ect

My husband is like this. Needs me to be around just so he can ignore me.

He is going on a boys trip this summer and meeting them there and is whinging that he has to travel alone.

Probably best to help him learn to be comfortable alone.

No, that's just different personalities. Literally all it is is whether you gain energy and "recharge" from alone time, or from spending time with other people. Nothing to do with being shy or outgoing.

I'm the same as you! Love (need) my own company, fairly shy and quiet. enjoy parties but am generally found listening to conversation rather than joining in - that takes masses of emotional energy for me.

It sounds like a confidence thing OP. Does he know HOW to talk to others? Talk about the activity they're doing? Can you role play? Get him to show interest in what others are doing, ask about them, say they like the thing they've made at Cubs, ask for peers advice etc.

I prefer the concept of slow-approach and fast-approach. He's slow-approach.

I don’t understand the need to force him into a category. He has his own characteristics - why must you try to fit him into the category ‘extrovert’ even if it doesn’t really fit?

The other thing is that extroverts need more excitement so I can see that encouraging an extrovert child to do things might be important or the desire for stimulation could cause problems.

Everyone on the thread saying ‘I love this but hate this so maybe I’m half’ - you’re just describing the complex personalities of humans. It’s so weird to make smaller and smaller boxes to put yourselves in

It's totally a thing. I'm the opposite, an outgoing introvert. Happy to talk to anyone, but it's exhausting.
You need to keep working on his resilience, and the positive reforcing loop of him overcoming his shyness to get the engagement he needs. Baby steps.

Just concentrating on the shy bit - I was painfully shy as a child, and still tend to it now. I’d suggest lots of gentle exposure, with low expectations. Try not to force anything. For me things like saying “thank you for having me” to a friend’s parent was just impossible because there was the expectation that I had to say that thing at that time.

I see shyness as a fear or anxiety if you like. I’m naturally shy but I think it is a natural anxiety about perhaps rejection? I don’t know. The only way I’ve overcome it is by throwing myself in front of people as a lecturer every day. I don’t have a choice now, I have to talk to people every single day and it’s kind of killed the shyness in me.

I think it's a spectrum, it's not like you have to be totally one way or the other.

You can love being with people/ need a lot of social contact, but still get anxiety about it or have low self esteem.

Are you sure that he needs help? Is he asking you for help?

He might just need time to develop and work things out for himself. Sometimes the best thing to do is step back a bit and give space.

My wife is a shy extrovert and I am a confident introvert!